STEP CHILDREN NOT LISTENING AT ALL!

Frieda - posted on 11/15/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am a stepmom. I am 38 years old and got married for the first time in 2009 with a man with two daughters now aged 11 and 7. I have no children of my own. I love the children and they love me. They stay with us and occationally visit their mother (when she decides she wants to see them). She is now a lesbian and living with a woman. My problem is that lately the children is lying about absolutely everything, they don't listen to me and don't do as they are told. My husband has a bad temper but tollarates their behaviour without doing anything until such day that he feels irritated and then he punishes them. I am not allowed to dissiplan them at all and if I do they start crying or gets angry and then my husband speaks to me about that infront of them. I feel that all of this is the reason we are having problems in our marriage. I am afraid to talk to him about anything regarding the children because it feels like he blames me for everything. What am I suppose to do now? The older one does not want to learn for her exams. I've done everything I could to assist her and still she just pretends to learn but when you ask her questions she does not know anything. I'm affraid she is going to fail this year. I am truely worried about all of this. Can anyone please help? I'm totally stressed out!

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Frieda - posted on 11/18/2012

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The other bio-moms should not judge if they do not know the situation. In our situation the bio-mom cheated on my husband with another woman. She left him but got the kids after the divorce. She continued her lesbian life while the kids were with her. After less than a year she asked us to take the kids because we can raise them better than her. She also said that we should not expect ANY financial support from her. The children are staying with us now for 4 years already. She only ask to see them when she feels she needs to. That is sometimes once a month. The children are free to call her anythime they want. We are not keeping them away from her at all. The other thing is that sometimes when they visit her we wil get a call any time day or night to come and fetch the kids because of a fight or something that went wrong between the adults in the house. That is NOT the way to raise kids. If you are a responsible mom you will devote all your precious time to the kids when they are with you the weekend and not spend the time with your friends and leave the kids to play by themselves. I may be wrong but the way I was raised was that you should show your love unconditionally but to dissiplan when neccessary. I love the girls as if they were my own and I have nothing to feel guitly about. She will have to explain before God one day why she did what she's doing!

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012

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your welcome. what sometimes happens on alot of mom boards (not this one SO MUCH, but occasionally) you will get a bunch of "bio moms" one here saying well they aren't your kids so you need to stay out of it. but thats just not the reality of the situation, it is your house, you deserve to be treated with respect by anyone who comes into your home, especially children. I am SO glad things worked out so well with you and your husband.

Frieda - posted on 11/15/2012

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Thank you so much for the kind response. It is so encouraging to have someone to talk to and get helpful answers. I did speak to him last night and this morning he called the kids together and spoke to them asking them to do their part, that they should listen and respect me the way they respect him. He told them that I love them and only wants the best for them. I also always tell them that I love them as if they were my own children. And I do love them. I cannot have children so they will be my only children. I just want the best for them. Thank you again for your helpful response!☺

Holly - posted on 11/15/2012

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i can sympathize... I get afraid to talk to my husband will get hurt or defensive when i talk to him about SD's behavior... but if you talk to him, when you are NOT in the heat of hurt feelings and anger, that is the best time. wait until the kids have gone to bed, then talk to him about what is bothering you... explain to him that when he talks down to you in front of the kids it makes you guys appear as a divided front, and that you want to be a united front when it comes to things, that you want to make this marriage stronger. Let him know that when the kids lie to you or don't listen that it IS important to you, because you love them so much that you want them to be the best kids that THEY can be, and that you know they ARE. This is the best way to appeal to his nature, letting him know that your marriage and his kids ARE important to you, and that you are not angry, but hurt.

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