Step Dad Vs. Real Dad

Jessica - posted on 12/28/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I guess my situation is a little difficult. My sons biological father and I were never married, were together for a couple years and seperated when our son was 2. He never really came around after that, didn't help support him for awhile, was court ordered to pay child support and never did. I became a single mom and did everything I could with what I had. I had, after a year, gotten full custody of our son. I ended up dating a mutual friend of ours and later we moved in together and got engaged. This mutual friend was close to my son from birth, always there for him, always helped with things he needed if I hadn't enough money. My sons bio father never liked that we were together. But, he didn't come around much, and when he did he was rude to our son and to my fiance, making snide remarks. We later got married, and the hits kept coming. When he did decide to show up he brought his current GF and either her or him would pass out on my couch during his visits with his son. When I said she was no longer welcome in my house because she had been rude on a few occasions, he started coming even less. He hated that our son called my husband Daddy +his name. An example of a rude remark is that I had gotten my husband a worlds greatest step dads mug, I saw no harm in this, because he was after all amazing with my son, and it said step dad, not DAD. He snatched the cup for coffee and said I will drink out of this, I am HIS father. I have dealt with these types of things for years. In 2013 my husband, son and I moved to Germany. I am German/American, my son as well. We made the decision for job reasons, it is a better quality of living here for us. My sons father new first about our plans, was okay with it. My son wants contact with his bio-father, to Skype and call. He rarely has that contact because his father never answers his phone. He rarely asks how he is, doesn't send cards for birthdays or holidays, nothing. Even went as far as to saying he would sign his rights away because my husband wants to adopt him to give him his last name. The problem is after all this, he still thinks he has a say in our sons life as far as what he calls my husband and how I raise him. I am wandering what do I do? I feel stuck and confused. I don't want to make people mad, but my son deserves better then what he has been given. I feel like no trying anymore, like trying for contact hurts my son more then no contact. And should he have the right to tell me how to raise him, or what my son calls my husband? My son calls my husband daddy and by his name or both combined. He is comfortable with that, we let him choose. He knows whose his father is, but doesnt understand why he doesnt want him, or talk to him. He constantly thinks he did something wrong, that he was bad. No bashing on the fact I moved to another country bit, his father was well aware and consented.

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Dove - posted on 12/28/2015

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He can sign away his rights, but you can still allow him contact w/ his son. It would just be up to you (or better... your son) how MUCH contact and what type is allowed. If your son wants to maintain contact w/ his bio father then he can still be allowed to do that even if his father has no parental rights.

I hate to say it, but... talking to his son once a month is a LOT more than some kids get. My ex went over a year w/out calling his girls... It's never an easy situation.

Ev - posted on 12/28/2015

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It is never easy going through a split up, divorce and then custody. The kids do suffer most. You gotta do what you can for your child.

Jessica - posted on 12/28/2015

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Thanks for the comment. And yes, I have asked about signing his rights away. It was a topic of conversation a few times. But, always followed with, "Even though I sign my rights away, I still want to talk to my son." He talks to him maybe once a month and never for more then 10 minutes. As I said, it isn't easy. When we do talk about anything, he makes promises to be more active in his life, to contact him more. But, it doesn't happen. My concern is for my son. He doesn't understand. With us being in Germany, I know is harder. I feel like maybe his priorities are not where they should be. I cannot make him be a father to his son, but in the process our son is the one being hurt. I am being as civilized as I can be. It is so stressful.

Ev - posted on 12/28/2015

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This is a hard situation but not one that is unusual. I have read about a few of these sorts of posts. I know from your post that the whole situation is less than ideal but he is the father of this child and has rights to see him however little he does. Have you considered asking him to give up his rights to his son if he is not wiling to be a part of the child's life?

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