step daughter feels unsafe around her biological mother what to do

Tiana - posted on 08/04/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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my step daughter is always telling me when she is at her mothers house for the week she feels her and her sister are unwanted, she is always yelling and swearing at them. I believe she is resentful and taking it out on the kids. me and there dad been together for 2 years now he proposed 1year and 3 months in.. she has 2 kids with my fiance and they were boyfriend girlfriend for 15 years. Whenever she comes back to us for the week she is happy and excited and also needs to get her emotions out and she is only comfortable talking to me, this time she told me her mom yelled " i swear to god i just want to kill you guys" with her fist balled up in the air. my step daughter says she tries to take it as sarcasm but knows its not and that she tries to take all the mean things she says as sarcasm,she also feels the need to be perfect to make her mom happy and that she can never make her happy. and is scared to be excited or happy about coming to us or talk about fun things we do because it makes her mother angry and her mom lashes out to her and says things like well why dont you just go live with your other mom or oh you must not like being with me then. after me telling her she does not deserve that nobody does and she is not responsible for anyone's happiness but her own, and her mom will eventually come to terms with things and hopefully find her own happiness. after comforting her she then came to our room and told me she doesn't feel safe there and if she spills something or has some sort of accident she gets scared. she also said she sometimes just wishes she can stay with us. these are one of her many venting sessions, i usually comfort her and make her understand things and tell her its not her fault but this is more serious, the fact she feels unsafe and that her mother said she wants to kill her. i don't know where to take it from here or if i should take it anywhere.

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Jodi - posted on 08/05/2013

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I'm not sure how old your stepdaughter is, but any child who somehow feels unsafe for valid reasons, for some occupations, is a mandatory report (at least, where I live). So firstly, I would consider having her talk to a child psychologist about the situation. A child psychologist MAY feel it is reportable, and also may recommend and support an advocate for the child in order to reconsider custody. Also, depending on her age, the courts may take her wishes into consideration. If she is truly feeling unsafe, then a counsellor/psychologist may be able to determine a level of concern about this and you can take it from there.

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Jodi - posted on 08/05/2013

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Yes, you do have the right to an opinion, absolutely. Just not the final say. And if no is to be said, it probably should come from dad. That's all I'm suggesting.

But definitely talk to dad about taking her to talk to a professional and see where that goes.

Tiana - posted on 08/05/2013

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I did say no! And dads place of course and i feel mine also and i feel i have a right to an opinion or choice in all to do with the girls, since all three of us are raising them .dad is completely fine with it and listens and respects my decisions however no i did not say "no"flat out like that, it was a discussion between him and me which he felt the same at the time also given she seemed perfectly fine.yet come to find out as time passes and we settle more and more as a family, most of my step daughters issues,from what she tells me,seem to arise from bio mother, and she is insecure and feels her mother will hurt her. I doubt she'd tell the therapist,her mother would have taken her to,these things being afraid and all. Yet I am still up in the air not wanting to cause issues and also maybe she is seeking some sort of attention since when she comes back to us she always wants my undivided attention at all times.

Jodi - posted on 08/05/2013

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I'm not sure that it was your place to say no if bio mum has suggested a therapist in the past. That was probably inappropriate. That's not your place to say no about that. Dad's place, maybe, but this is where you might be finding yourself crossing boundaries. I'm going to say that I am on both ends of this. If my ex's partner said no to me about something for my son (or if I knew she had told my ex the answer was no), I'm going to have an issue with this too. Personally, for myself as a step parent, this is really not my business either (I have been a step parent for 10 years). My husband definitely comes to me for advice and discussion, but advice and a definitive answer are two different things.

Maybe I am misreading your post (or misinterpreting), but it came across that you were the person who had said no.

Tiana - posted on 08/05/2013

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Thanks Jodi!....She is 9 going to be 10 in September. She is known for inflating things a bit so dad brushes her off so she stop telling him personal stuff. I know she inflates some things but her stories remain the same every time, and I see she feels ashamed when she decides to open up to me. I am not the bitter step mom just to make that completely clear. I love the girls like there my own and when me and dad got together I was expecting she (mom)would want a sit down with me at some point given i am raising her kids also.but never did and probably never will.The mother brought up a therapist once before to dad, her reasonings were because our daughter is overly sensitive.I said NO! and that the mom needs to stop saying negative things to her daughter that any young girl should not even have a thought about and maybe she won't be how she is. So that never happened.But now i have been thinking about a therapist for quit some time because of things she says such as her not feeling safe and her mom doesn't want her and she has dreams that she wanted to kill herself,but felt I would be crossing boundaries with her biological mother and Dad doesn't really get into this kind of stuff he grew up in a tough family and doesn't understand especially since she doesn't talk to him about any of it and plus she is a girl. So I don't know if its me making it bigger then what it is since she is 9 or what or if I will be crossing boundaries.

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