step daughter not living with us

Tinamarie - posted on 03/24/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I have a husband who has a daughter. She dont live with us. She lives with her grandparents very far away. About 10 hours away from us. Her mother passed away in a car accident a long time ago when she was a baby. My Husband at the time became deeply depressed and let the grandparents raise her cause he was in no condition to raise her. When i met him he was still like that. Now hes getting his life together. Hes in school and jojoined the army. We had a baby together and now saving for a house. I really want her to come live with us but her grandparents are very rich and we live in a apt. We go see her as much as we can but its not the same. I feel bad that she sees ger dad with another family. But she tells him she wants to stay with her grandparents. I think its cause we dont have alot of money and her grandma spoils her. My husbands doing the best he can to get her back. The court wants to see us stable with a house and her own room. We dont want to force her to come live with us and her be a angry girl cause of that but it doesnt look right her living away from us. We cant move over there cause i have a son with someone else and dont want to take my son away from his dad. So what do i do

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Ev - posted on 03/24/2013

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From what you say here, this girl has been with her grandparents since she was still a baby. This is all she knows. Her grandparents have become her mom and dad in a sense. To make her come live with you and her dad right away would be very hard on her. It is not necessarily the fact that they are rich and can give her what she needs and wants. Its that they have raised her. To take a kid from what they have known their entire life is very determental to their emotional state. Could you imagine someone trying to take your baby from you all of sudden because they wanted your child? SHe would be sad, depressed, and would want to go back. If you guys really want her sometime in the future to live with you even if it is just for summers, work at it slowly. Set up regular visits, then go for weekend visits and some holiday times and summer. Do short visits and give her time to get used to you and her daddy again. Work with her grandparents on this. Once she is used to you work out longer visits. In time you might be able to get her all summer and then maybe even most of the time. It also depends on the court and what is ordered too. If they are her guardians they have to agree to the changes and she has to be able to understand them.

Don't do this just because you want this. Do this because she does.

I know this from experience. My kids had to go with their dad but it was a choice at the time that had to be made for their well-being not because I wanted to keep them with me.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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It sounds to me like the court has already told you both what you need to do. The reason I asked her age, is because by a certain age the court will take into consideration what she wants, where she wants to live. Don't assume just because the grandparents are rich, that that is the reason she wants to be with them. It sounds like she has spent the majority of her life with them, and they have become her parents. She probably does not know you well, and her dad either. She may not feel comfortable with moving...especially if she feels abandoned by her dad.

Do you ever have her for long vacations? 1-2 weeks at a time? That may be a good start.

Christine - posted on 03/24/2013

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I don't think u should worry about what "looks right". I think it's really wonderful that u value having the family together and that u care about her welfare however it sounds like she is happy and well cared for living with her grandparents. If she's happy there and if that's what she prefers, I agree that maybe some longer visits with u would be a great start. Meanwhile u can work on your relationship with her and providing a stable home for her so that she feels safe and comfortable enough to move in with u.

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Ev - posted on 03/25/2013

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As I said and as the others have pointed out that this is not about you two....its about the child. IF you have been through what she has been through and you were uncertain about seeing your father after five years, then you should understand what she is going through about leaving the only PARENTS she has known. To take her from what she has known would only make the distance greater between her and her father. Just keep the visits and phone calls like they have been and increase the duration of visits if possible when she is comfortable. You can not push this on her.

Dove - posted on 03/24/2013

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Leave her where she is and he needs to quit pushing for her to live with you guys. Time and patience are the only ways for him to prove he is changed and if she's been living with her grandparents for 12 YEARS.... it's likely he won't 'prove' himself before she's an adult. The court isn't (or at least shouldn't) going to take her away from the only home she knows when she doesn't want to leave.

Just tell him to keep in very regular contact with her and work towards longer visitations if she gets comfortable with the concept.

Christine - posted on 03/24/2013

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Maybe your husband has changed and is a good man now but the main priority here is that little girls happiness and what she wants. Forcing her to do something to make things "right" and to make up for the past would not be best for the child because it only addresses your needs and your husbands needs but not the child's. I understand that it must be very hard to try and make up for the time lost but it sounds like shes happy and cared for and that should be your goal.

Tinamarie - posted on 03/24/2013

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Yes my husband did cheat on his daughters mother but they were also only 17at the time . Became very young parents. Hes a grown man now . Make alot of mistakes in his past but like i said he gave his life to the lord and trying his best now. Hes always the one that says he wishes she would want to come live with us but i tell him it needs to take some time. Ita her choice. I been threw what she went threw. I was taken away from my dad when i was 8 cause he was a drug addict and acoholic and didnt talk or see him till i was 13 . He still sees ger and talks on the phone with her all the time. I was alil nervous seeing my dad again but then got used to him back in my life. So i know its going to take some time but my husband had a bad past but is a good person now.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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So, the father cheated on their daughter, and in general was not a good man or father. He has a lot to prove, and you are not the one who needs to go to bat for him. He needs to step up to the plate himself. Have you been pushing him to fight for her? I do think you should back off of the situation a bit. There seems to be a lot more to this story than you are telling us, or that he is telling you.

Tinamarie - posted on 03/24/2013

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Shes already 12. So yea shes been raised by her parents. We want to start taking her for vactions like summer or part of summer but she always says maybe next time. My husvand says her grandparebts tell her bad stuff about him. He used to be a pretty bad . Not taking resposivabilty. Cheating on her mom stuff like that so her grandparents think of him like that. But since hes given himself to the.lord hes a different person . Hes saving for a house for her. Hes kind and a perfect husband and father. But when i go over there and tell her grandmother she is not convinced . She tells me hes going to do the same thing to me as he did to her daughter. Shes very hard headed . Were not even allowed to spend the night there we have to get a hotel. We dont want it to get ugly with the court so how can i convince her and his daughter hes a good parent now. He trys when hes there i can tell

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