Step grandparent doesn't see child, but still wants to be called grandma.

[deleted account] ( 1 mom has responded )

I will try to keep this short. I didn't quite agree with her being called grandma or nana from the beginning. But everyone kept referring to her as such. She was "the other woman" and I felt that it was disrespectful to my MIL. And the relationship between (I'll call her Jane), was never solid. When my husband and I got engaged, she cried. Not because she was happy for us, but looked at my FIL and said, "When will I get my ring? It's not fair." Fast forward when we had our baby. We were in a bind and had to move in with my FIL and Jane. It was difficult the first few weeks as all 4 adults in the house worked full time. They all woke at different times and weren't very quiet. They were constantly waking the baby and in turn, he was quite cranky. If I took a shower and the only person in the house was Jane, she'd do dishes and all the hot water would turn off in my shower. She'd make remarks about how the baby kept her up at night and we were too noisy. As the months went on, she started hiding the vacuum so I couldn't vacuum that carpet my son was crawling on, she'd ignore my son if we were alone. But when my FIL came home she was cooing all over him. Being drunk, she would pry him out of my arms and I'd keep telling her to stop and let go. My FIL would tell me to just let her hold him. That he wouldn't let anything happen. My husband had a go at his dad for that, but nothing seemed to work. My son refers to her as Jane but when we see them, she takes my son away to go play and I overheard her telling him to call her grandma. She has made it clear that she doesn't like me or my husband. And in a year, she has seen our child 3 times. They didn't even come to his birthday. I really don't feel she should hold such a title when nothing she does is even close to worthy of it. How can I tell her that she will only be called Jane because of her actions over the past 3 years? It's gotten so bad, that not even my FIL comes to see his only grandchild. He won't come to see him unless she wants to. And when we go to see them, he gives us a 2 hour time frame otherwise we can forget it. I tried to make amends but all she did was write me a letter telling me of all my faults and to get over it. Any suggestions would help! Thank you!


Jodi - posted on 01/27/2015




While I understand your point, I think you need to consider this very carefully. Firslty, this is about your feelings for her, not your child's feelings, and you are essentially bringing your child into the middle of a problem you have with her. She DID take you into her home at a time when you needed the help, albeit she was a complainer and you didn't get along.

If your child has grown up referring to her as grandma, you are now suggesting putting a stop to it, and that really WILL bring your child into the argument. Is that what you want? I'm not saying you are wrong in how you feel about it, just that you may be opening up a huge can of worms making a decision like that now. And the first time she sees him after you tell her he isn't to call her grandma, I guarantee she will do it, and then what you have is a child in the middle, feeling guilty because he is going to let one of you down and make one of you sad. Is this really a battle you want to have?

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