step grandparent raising step grandchild, feeling undermined

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

my husband and I took in when his mother went to jail. Thankfully, she was only in jail a few days, but afterwards it was just never a good time for her to take the boy back! After 3 years we adopted the boy (his bio dad's request. His bio mom said that was fine, where do I sign?) The boy is a joy. I love him with my whole heart. He is the best thing that ever happened to us, but his "real" grandmother and his step grandfather (are you following this?) continue to enable my step daughter by paying her rent, buying whatever she wants, going out to dinner, vacations, etc. The girl won't work. She doesn't want the boy but she DOES want everyone to know that's HER son. The bio dad is long out of the picture. The other grandparents tell anyone who will listen that we "stole" the child! We just happened to be the only ones who said we'd take him while his bio mom got her act together. That never happened and his other grandparents didn't want to raise him. My problem is I resent his bio mom and other grandparents seeing him when it's convenient for them and trying to raise him via text or phone calls. The other grandparents take the boy and his bio mom out to dinner or on vacations and they all post on facebook about it! They are fooling no one but they are confusing the boy. If anything interferes in their plans (like school or an early soccer game) they DEMAND we accommodate them "because he needs to spend time with his REAL mom and REAL grandmother!" I don't want to cut them off, but more and more I'm asking myself if being around them is really good for the boy. I don't understand why I am so resentful because I am the lucky one for getting to raise the boy. I wish I wasn't so old. It's not fair to him not to have the childhood he was entitled to.

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[deleted account]

Raye, thank you so much for your comments. I think you hit the nail right on the head! I'm going to take your advice.

Raye - posted on 03/14/2016

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If you want to allow the bio-mom and other grandparents to see the child, that's good, but don't let them walk all over you. YOU are the legal parent now of that child, and they either accept that situation and be happy you're allowing them access at all, or stay away and stop trying to make everyone's life (even the boy's life) more difficult. If they want to enjoy time with him, then you all need to work out a set schedule. The child needs stability and structure, not to be passed around willy-nilly to whomever cries the loudest to see him. They don't have the authority to DEMAND anything. He is YOUR child, and YOU have the responsibility of raising him and making sure he's getting his needs met. If they can't be respectful and appreciate what you do for that child, then you can decide not to allow that. Don't use the boy as a bargaining chip, but do make the other adults understand that they must behave like adults and get along for the sake of the child or they won't be able to continue being in your lives. If they're causing you stress, the boy can pick up on that, too, and it's not good for him. You all should be thinking about HIS welfare.

[deleted account]

none. his bio mom was fine with that. we have always included his other grandparents & never denied them seeing him. We are not fond of them, but they are his only grandparents. his bio mom sees him rarely. her choice. we've never not included her in family events, Christmas, etc. She lives about 12 miles away.

Raye - posted on 03/11/2016

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You adopted him legally? Then he's YOUR child.
What rights were given to the bio-mom or the other grandparents in the court orders?

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