Step mom dealing with bio mom need help

Tiffany - posted on 07/27/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I am a very young step mother of 2. I also have one of my own he is 4 my older two are 9 and 11. There bio mom left them when they were baby's. My husband has sole custody of both of them. When i came into the picture my kids where 2 and 4. I have been with them ever since day in day out. I love my kids with all my power and hate to see them upset. My kids are my babies and i would do anything for them. Now that they are getting older they do not want to see there bio anymore and my husband and myself dnt know what to do so any suggestions? As well the bio mom just recently cheated on her boyfriend and it was posted all over face book. My 11 yr old was on his grandmothers phone and seen the posts that were put up and now is very upset with his bio mom and wants to tell her something about it he has also told his sister what happened. When my son talked to his mom she said that it was the boyfriends fault they are not together. Now they went over there and she said they are trying to work it out. It is such a mess I dnt know what to do anymore. My son and daughter know the truth and are very upset and i dnt know what to tell them. I dnt want them to think this is ok and grow up being a cheater or getting cheated on and staying cuz they think its normal. This is a very crucial age range and I need help!!!!

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Jodi - posted on 07/27/2015

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Firstly, I am not sure why the 11 year old was on Facebook. There is no need for a child to be looking at Facebook anyway. Even on his grandmother's phone, I don't understand why he was on Facebook.

Secondly, how often are the kids with their mother? Do they actually understand what is meant by "cheated"? I highly doubt that this one experience will mean they will grow up to think it is ok, especially if they are mostly residing with you. These are ongoing conversations you can have with them as they grow and develop and start in their own relationships.

With regard to them not wanting to see their mother, is this the only reason? They don't get the option at this age, and you need to continue encouraging them, letting them know their mother loves them and misses them.

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MaryAnn - posted on 07/27/2015

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If its not in the court order, who BM introduces to the kids is her business alone. Not yours, not your husbands. You might not like it, but theres value in that experience, too. Action and consequence, right? it hurts. But people get in relationships and people break up- and the only people in control of that are the people in that relationship.
If shes that inconsistent, i really wouldn't worry about it. Aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings get in relationships, and it sometimes hurts when those relationships break, too. Clearly, they dont depend on her to be consistent. You haven't said it, but beyond her presence... im guessing her employment and living situations arent consistent, either.
As they grow up depending on you and your husband, they will understand the need for consistency. They will understand that she didn't make consistency, and they will see what the outcome of that is. Keep telling them you love them. Keep sending them to bm when she is there, and it is her time.
She is their mother. And you might not like what she does. But every time you fail to reassure them she loves them, youre failing them, because she is half of them. If you let them believe she is a bad person, youre letting them believe they are half bad. And that they deserve to be treated in this way.
Will it hurt them to find out on their own? Yes. But not nearly as bad as if they were treated like glass and as though they arent strong enough to handle their reality on their own. They will overcome it. Their mother loves them. Dont ever take that away from them.

Tiffany - posted on 07/27/2015

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I do understand however the usage of Internet is monitored by my husband and myself my son would never have known how to use Facebook if it wasn't for there mother. I also do not enforce that she is a good mom they see for them selves what kind a mother she is. Everyone makes mistakes I agree but your suppose to learn from mistakes not keep doing the same thing over and over again theyes are people as well and should not be played with like toys.
I really appreciate the advice that's why I made the post. However relationships are a concern it is not healthy to bring alot of men or women around your kids when blended family's occur.I really do appreciate the advice tho.

MaryAnn - posted on 07/27/2015

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As a primary care stepmom, with an inconsistantly involved biomom in the mix, I often struggle and need to remind myself of this...
Biomom doesnt not love her kids. Biomom doesnt not care. Biomom is a human who has had a child without fully understanding the committment of parenthood or the needs of her children. You can not replace the broken part. You can be another piece to make the machine run more smoothly. Shes not going away. They will always be a part of her, and they will always feel like it. She doesnt have to be a burden to them. She doesnt have to be a disability for them. You can show them a better way to live, and you can show them the love they deserve.

MaryAnn - posted on 07/27/2015

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9 and 11? Sorry. They dont get a say. You don't get a say, husband doesnt get a say. The courts get a say. If biomom doesnt take her opportunities, not mich you can do. And the court likely won't do anything about it either- unless she has valid concerns, such as travel, work, or change in living situation. Its out of your hands. Its our of your kid's hands.
The reality of the matter is that parents arent perfect. They make mistakes. Sometimes they are little mistakes- like burning casseroles. Sometimes they are bigger mistakes like infidelity. Sometimes they are mistakes in raising children- not being aware of their needs, sometimes they are not mistakes that involve the children- debt and relationship issues. This is a time where it should not have reached the children, id highly suggest better monitoring of their technology use. Children should not be on facebook.
Its hard to learn your parents are human and make mistakes. And in blended family situations, it often happens earlier than in other family situations. This is an opportunity to talk to them.
Its important to acknowledge your part in this with them. They should know that it is a situation that does not involve them. It is a thing they dont need to have seen. It doesn't mean anything about their mothers love for them. It doesnt mean anything about her ability to care for them.
As for the example setting- the fact that they are upset about this is a good thing. It means that they already understand that there is something not quite right about what shes done. But they need reassurance that she is still a good mom. And a human who happened to make a mistake. That we *all* make mistakes. And although you may not agree with that- and i dont blame you- it is a thing they need to be reinforced. Because they are good kids.

Sarah - posted on 07/27/2015

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That doesn't sound mean at all. You aren't doing anything to reinforce negative feelings. It's kind to cover for her when she blows them off because to say that she forgot them or didn't feel like being with them just makes them hurt and feel uncertain. They seem to be figuring out where they feel safe and protected.

Tiffany - posted on 07/27/2015

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ok so they see her very other weekend if she comes to get them but sometimes she just doesnt show up and then says she forgot. When she does come to get them its cuz her dad asks her to bring them to his house. They have not been wanting to go to her house for about 6 months now and we dnt know why. We have asked them several times and there response is they dnt feel safe. they are going to counseling now to hopefully get some answers but nothing yet.
As for the social media thing i completely agree and there mother was the one who allowed them both to have facebook and twitter. We told there mother we did not like it and she said when they are with her its her rules and ours do not apply. We still told the kids to delete them and our reasons why they agreed.
My son does have a phone now since they are having the trouble with there mom but knows that I monitor his internet usage. So when the moms BF texted him and told him that he was no longer with there mom he asked why and was not given a direct answer so he texted his mom and she blamed him. My son did not believe her and asked my mother-in-law if he could use her phone and looked up the BF cuz he knows his facebook was not blocked. Thats how he found out and is now more upset then ever about it.
And as far as telling them that i wont say she loves them or misses them i will tell them she is working or had an emergency at work to cover for her but i feel that they know weather or not she loves them and its not my place to say something that she should be doing on her own i dnt need anyone to tell them that i love them. they already know i do. If they ask me if I think she loves them then yes i do tell them she does but dnt enforce something especially when its not true do to her actions. I dnt want to sound mean but this women has put them through a roller coaster ride that never ends. My daughter had surgery and she never even bothered to come see her at the hospital or at home. not even a damn phone call did she make.

Sarah - posted on 07/27/2015

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I agree with Jodi, keep them off social media and out of adult conversations. If they bring it up to you, keep your answer objective and brief. For example; "grown ups make mistakes, everyone does, we are all human". It is not likely that they have a good understanding of sex, monogamy and relationships at 9 and 11. We are very open about talking about sex, safety etc but if I were to ask my 11 yo what "cheating" means, she would not say "it's when you have sex with someone other than your partner", Now, it may have been in much more graphic and adult language on Facebook and that is why it is not a children's website. As long as you continue to demonstrate a healthy model for them and keep an open dialog, you are doing what you need to do to teach them.

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