Step-mom having trouble with Biological mother!! Needing help...

Christina - posted on 11/30/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Me and my boyfriend have known each other since we were 12- now we are both 21. We dated for years in middle school and high school and were for the most part a happy couple. Then in high school he began to have feelings for his now ex-girlfriend and mother to his now 5yr old son, whom they had when they were both 16/17. Yes practically a year after we broke up, they became pregnant during high school.

A year ago in November we decided to rekindle our relationship after becoming friends again. A couple of months after getting back together it was going so well that I decided to let him move into my apartment with me. From the moment we started talking again, I loved that he was a father. I had to overcome many ill feelings towards the mother of his child since she was the reason I was forced to break up with him during our high school years. But it was easy for me to get over since we were all very young and foolish!

Now when I say that my boyfriend is my soul mate I truly mean that, everything I look for in a spouse is within him and he is very caring and fun to be around. As soon as we got back together it was an amazing relationship instantly and we had no trouble getting along and putting our differences aside despite the past and whatever came against us! HOWEVER (enter sad face here) there are few things that I feel have the potential to completely break us, mostly having to do with becoming a stepmom, dealing with a bitter ex and not being able to come to agreement on our parenting style.

THE EX FROM HELL- I believe myself to be a very nice person by habit. I love talking to people, helping people and DO NOT like feeling this intense hatred to this woman. Now I have come to terms that no matter how much I tell myself im over past offenses, I cant help but feel the old wounds. But no matter how hurt I am, I always treat the mother to my stepson very respectfully and have never said an ill word to her or treated her unkindly. When I pick up my stepson we say our hi and goodbyes and that's that. But I cant help feeling how I feel about her parenting and that is- that it's horrible. She has not had a job in at least 3 yrs (stepson is 5), and lives with her mother with my SS off and on. She always ridicules my boyfriend about how he never helps out with any finances and never sees him even though my boyfriend calls and messages her how is he doing and buys him school supplies and clothes whenever we have the chance. She tells him he doesnt do ANYTHING for my SS and that my SS doesnt want to be around him or come to our house, yet my SS says the same thing about her when he's around us. Then the one thing that gets to me is that SHE DOES NOT HAVE A JOB OR MAKE ANY MONEY. Her parents pay for everything, so financially she does nothing for him either. ALSO, she is heavenly into drugs. She has left my SS more then a few times with he mother. Moving to Dallas with her new boyfriend, going out to parties, even forgetting who she left my SS with during one of these partying nights. She has admitted to doing heroin to my bf and since she shares mutual friends with my boyfriend they tell us she is constantly looking for pills, coke, weed whenever she can because of "pains" she has. She is juggling 2 boyfriends who live in separate cities, neither of which are fit to be step dads both of which are coke/pill/heroin addicts. She constantly accuses my bf of not being a good dad yet she made me and my bf buy my SS school supplies and clothes for his first EVER day of school and ended up not enrolling him and still hasn't to this day even though he is five. Developmentally he is very stunted and cannot even count ten and has so many bad behaviors from learning them from his mother. She is constantly bad mouthing me and my BF, and my SS sometimes says that his mom calls me fat and that she doesn't like me. I feel really horrible about being caught up with all this and i feel like I have no say in what happens from here on out. I know I chose to be with someone who has a child already but I never anticipated that even though me and my bf have both grown and matured since high school, the mother of his child was still stuck in her old ways. Im also sad that my SS has to go through this and his being affected negatively because of his mothers actions. I want to reach out to her and tell her to get herself together for the sake of their child but feel like I dont have any grounds to talk since he is not mine. Does anybody have any advice for me, can i be doing something different/better? I really need help with this, this is the love of my life and i feel heartbroken that this may tear us apart...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amy - posted on 12/01/2013

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Your boyfriend needs to find money for an attorney. His son is too important to let this continue without seeking counsel.

Jodi - posted on 11/30/2013

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No, I am not suggesting she shouldn't better herself or attempt to get a job, but I know many mothers who choose not to until their youngest child is in school because it honestly isn't worth it. It isn't your place to question her reasons for not working at this point. Once the child is in school, I can understand your cause for concern there. But it really isn't your business that she doesn't have her high school diploma, or remarried, or any of that. It is also not your business if her family is supporting her. Your only business is with the child and his best interests.

And if you want her to stop bad mouthing about the financial support, your boyfriend should sign up for child support and be done with it. It is not your prerogative to dictate how she may spend the child support money. If there is an obligation to pay child support, then you don't get to control how it is used. But then, if she hasn't filed for it, she probably doesn't have the right to complain either.

If you are truly concerned about the interests of the child, your boyfriend really needs to talk to a lawyer and look at the custody arrangements.

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Michelle - posted on 12/01/2013

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It sounds like child services needs to be involved. He should be in school legally whether his is ready or not the schools can help him and get him where he needs to be. The father needs to push for custody is what it sounds like and she needs to have supervised visitation. And is all of this is going on and the father hasn't stepped up already there is a problem right there. He needs to fight for his son no matter what and get it taken care of because if your going to be with him if he can't do the right things then you need to split up and you need to call child servies on her anyway best of luck

Jodi - posted on 11/30/2013

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I'll be honest, if he has only just turned 5, I wouldn't enrol him in school until next fall. Boys in particular don't tend to fare well at school if too young, and if he is on the younger side, academically and emotionally, he will probably benefit from a year in pre-school of some sort before he starts school. We held my step son back a year (he was on the younger side of things) from school because he was not emotionally ready for it. It was the best decision we ever made, because now, at age 14, he is excelling, both socially and academically. On the other hand, my daughter is amongst the youngest n(she was not yet 5 when she started), but she was so emotionally ready for school there was no holding her back. There are studies out there that advocate that boys should start school a little later due to less developed social and emotional skills. But then, I live in a country where they must be enrolled before they turn 6. To me, 5 seems way too young.

And yes, definitely talk to the lawyer. I know you don't want to cause issues with his mother, but it does have to come down to the child's best interests. I am on both ends of this one. I have a biological child from a previous marriage AND step children in my current one (we have now been married 10 years), and to be totally honest with you, the best thing we did was have it all above board with court ordered custody arrangements and filing for child support, because now there is no question.

Christina - posted on 11/30/2013

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Hey Jodi, once again, you made some really good points and thanks for the feedback. I will definitely be urging my bf to seek legal council regarding the interest of my SS. I believe that if she really had the need for child support she would take the time to file for it and in the mean time, my bf will do what he has continued to do which is provide for his child in any way he can without putting his life in further jeopardy by enabling a drug addict.

Unfortunately I have a feeling she is only delaying his enrollment in school to give her an excuse to continue to be jobless and as of recently homeless. BUT, to each their own right? My only concern is that she is in turn hurting my SS by keeping him out of school to continue her lifestyle, because according to you (once again correct me if I'm wrong), as long as he is out of school it MAY be more beneficial for her to be jobless. However we will see how this continues to work when he is required to go to school next fall (because per Texas law, children need to be in school the fall semester after they turn 5, which he just turned.)

Again, thank you for your feedback though!

Christina - posted on 11/30/2013

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Jodi thanks for your feedback- let me clear up a few things, I know the post was really long and I tried to go over as much as possible but it seems I wasn't clear enough. Once again, I NO LONGER blame her for us breaking up, I will admit I use to but like I said "But it was easy for me to get over since we were all very young and foolish!" I still struggle with that part, but for the most part I feel as though I have come out a better woman and am thankful for the opportunity to experience a different path. And even though she is difficult to deal with at times (and i'll admit, I can be a little stubborn as well), I still treat her with respect and accept her decisions.

As for your second point. Yes I do know daycare is expensive, I have looked into this myself as we have him a lot of the time during the week when we work. We ultimately decided that having relatives like my bf's mother or sister is more beneficial then daycare (he gets to be with his cousins, people we trust, home cooked meals, its flexible and free). However, correct me if im wrong but, are you implying that she should forego any attempt to attain a job? Or at least better herself? My SS mother does not have a high school diploma, does not express a need or want to go back to school and is not married (or has a spouse providing income). If this is the case you are suggesting she never work until she can either a) find a job that can cover the cost of daycare/living comfortably (unlikely since she does not have a diploma and jobs like that are hard to come by for high school drop outs) , or b) continue to have her mom/relatives support her or wait to find a spouse that will support her.

My boyfriend does not pay child support, even though she has threatened us multiple times with it or back pay. My bf himself has not signed up for child support because of her numerous issues with drugs/lying to us about money including taking money that she said was for my SS and leaving to Dallas for 2 weeks without my SS. HOWEVER, we have offered numerous amount of times to provide her with prepaid cards with whatever amt of money she wants to pay for things like medicine/food/clothes/whatever he needs but she will only accept CASH and only CASH. The prepaid cards are re-loadable and can be used any where cards are accepted. We even asked her NUMEROUS times that if he needs something that she can write a list down with no restrictions on however long and expensive that list is and we will buy whatever is on the list and she just flat out says no and accuses him of not helping out.

My bf and I spend 3-4 days a week with him at which point she does not try to contact my SS, only her mother does. Even when my SS is at his mothers house, his grandma (his maternal grandma), constantly calls us asking if we've talked to/seen her because she has left my SS with his grandma AGAIN. My boyfriend is not out to get my SS mother and does not want her to go to jail or be stripped of her right to see my SS, so he does not go to court for her sake and she could not even afford a lawyer if she wanted to take him to court. I know she is going through a rough time, and I probably will never understand having your own child until I actually HAVE my own child, but there is no possible way you couldn't see how we are trying our hardest to negotiate in the best interest of the child.

Once again thank you for your feedback and I look forward to your reply...

Jodi - posted on 11/30/2013

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Firstly, she is NOT the reason you were forced to break up with your boyfriend. He is the reason. You talk as if he did not have a choice in the matter, and the fact is, he chose to break up with you. You need to stop blaming her. She didn't force him to have sex with her. He did so willingly.

Secondly, has it occurred to you that it is quite expensive to put a child into daycare? I know many people who choose not to work because the income they receive from working is eaten up by daycare and other costs just to get to work. Then, because they receive an income of some sort, they also lose some of the benefits they were receiving, so they end up worse off.

Does your boyfriend help out with finances? That is a genuine question, because he should be. It sounds to me like he isn't paying child support. If he isn't then he should. Sorry, but buying school clothes for him is hardly financial support.

If your boyfriend has an issue with the way the mother is parenting, and with her drug habit, he is free to collect evidence and discuss custody with a lawyer. But it sounds to me like she and her mother are the only ones doing the parenting at the moment if he is only calling and sending messages and buying school clothes. He hasn't really stepped up at all. Being forced to buy school clothes doesn't make him a good dad. Providing PROPER financial support (child support) and actually spending time with his child on a regular basis is what makes him a good dad. Buying school clothes is not 50% of the child's cost of living, not even close. Of COURSE she would be upset with him if that's what he thinks the extent of his support should be!

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