Step Mom in Need of Guidance!

D - posted on 09/22/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




First before I begin my story, I would like to say that this is the very first time I have ever done anything like this, mostly due to the type of job position I carry and I’m a bit nervous about reaching out for help but I’ve run out of options. I’m younger (28), have several degrees, a management level job position, own my home, and have no children of my own. I come from two loving parents who have always been married and even though I live 5+ plus hours away from them I speak to them both almost every day. They made me work hard for what I have. Even though they had money, I had to pay (and still pay) my way through college. Everyone in this story is from and currently is still living in the south, in fairly rural areas, by choice.
Several months ago (September 2014) I found this website when I was having a rather hopeless day, along with several other websites of thoughts and prayers and I used all of them, I still am for that fact. However, none of the stories I read or prayers I say seem to be similar enough in nature to my situation and I’m reaching out in hopes to find someone that experienced something similar and give me honest sound advice.
In March of 2014 an old friend of my boyfriend contacted him stating that his ex-wife was seen on several occasions doing cocaine. At that time both our children lived full time with her (older female child 6, younger male child 2). Within a couple of days of that the older child’s teacher called and said she had missed 15+ days of 1st grade and had 28+ days of tardies. The very same day the daycare for the younger child called and said no one has paid for daycare in months. Needless to say we met with my boyfriend’s attorney who handled the divorce and within a month we had temporary custody of the kids due to her failed drug test and the older child’s school situation. We committed ourselves and drove that child to school every day over an hour away each day until school let out. I helped her study, I gave her extra reading, we memorized the alphabet. There were tears and fits and spankings, but by the end we had A’s and B’s. Due to the absences, in our home state, she would have had to repeat the 1st grade. So I researched endlessly for a private school in the next state over that would take her, I bought the aptitude test she would need to take and studied with her every day, I enrolled her in extra curricular’s for the first time, I put her in the most prestigious academic camps in the area I could find, and I gave her structure. She passed and we committed to pay (without child support) tuition to that school for both her and her brother, I took them to school every day and made sure they both had all A’s. Even on two six figure salaries financially it was tough. I put my house (our second home) on the market.
Our younger one struggled the most, not knowing or understanding me, my role, the new and necessary structure, or why his mommy rarely got to see him, he still does. It was tough on my boyfriend and I in our relationship, it was tough on us individually because of our finances. We came through it though and our younger one is doing outstanding.
The toughest thing then and to date, is we couldn’t get married on our own agenda, every extra dime we made went to court costs, everything we do is examined under a microscope.
Finally in August of 2015 we had final orders stating that their bio mom would only get them the first and third weekend of the month in exchange for 500/mo. in child support. In our state you’d have to make below minimum wage to allow for that. We didn’t care. We just wanted to get the kids as far away from her as possible….which is the crux of the problem.
Some of you may not agree with how much of role I have in these kids’ lives and I’ll listen to that commentary too, but my question comes from my feelings. Over time, I’ve become their mother. I’m our older ones cheer coach, I hold her secrets and crushes, I’m there to pick up our younger one from school every day, I’ve made sure they have good friends, our older one tells everyone at school I am her mom. Their real mother has had very little to no involvement.
Now their bio mom is pregnant living in a 2/2 run down house with a boyfriend covered in tattoos, with him having 2 kids as well. She’s decided she’s going to play the role of super mom all of a sudden (probably because she’s sober). The problem is, I don’t want her in our kids’ lives, I want her to go away, she just got out of jail (pregnant) for a DWI for god’s sake. I worry for when our kids get older what type of advice she will give them. This façade of super mom is just that, it’s fake, she has never paid child support, and she has never attended a school function, or taken any interest in their schooling. Heck when they stay with her, she rarely feeds them and they never take baths. If you do the math, when my boyfriend/husband and his ex-wife were having our daughter my biggest concern was sorority social functions and getting into law school. I’m more mature than this woman will ever be and I’m younger and right now I feel hopeless because she harasses us daily and is never there for the kids and I feel jealous at times because she swoops in tries to be something she isn’t and I don’t have any control over it. Most days I wonder how long I can do this and the emotions (mostly anger) completely take over. I don’t know how to control my feelings on this. Advice, positive or negative is what I’d like.


Jodi - posted on 09/22/2015




If it is a facade, it is unlikely to last anyway, so just let it ride. The fact is, she is their biological mother, and she does have rights to be involved with them through the court orders you have, so you can't prevent her from having them. Kids are smart. They figure things out over time. If you push their mother out of their lives, they would never forgive you, but they will thank you for being mature about it and for being there when they need you. And you know what? If she DOES become sober permanently and grow up and ends up being a decent mother to those kids, be happy for them. I know that's easier said than done, but I promise, your part in their lives will never be forgotten. You may not see it until they are older - children can be unappreciative - but as kids get older, they work out who had their backs :)

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