Step-mom not comunicating

Carmelita - posted on 02/03/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

4

0

1

Hello, My name is Carmen and I share 2 awesome boys with my ex-husband. They are 14 and 12. My 14 yr old was having some issues and I had been talking to him about them and I spoke to his dad. His step-mother took the matter into her own hands and took him to counseling at her church. This is fine, but she didn't call, text, message me anything about it. Didn't ask me what I thought. There was absolutely no communication whatsoever. I as a mother just want to be kept in the loop and I feel it's part of my decision where my son goes to counseling. I feel like instead of communicating with me about her concerns for my son, she just wanted to beat me to the punch. This isn't the first time she has done this. I had already warned her about taking matters into her own hands without communicating with me first. We were sharing the boys every other week because we live only 5 blocks from eachother. But I have had the boys come back to live with me because she refuses to keep me in the loop where my kids are concerned. Any advice or comments??

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 02/05/2016

3,761

0

21

If a child needs counseling, surely all would agree.... that no matter who takes them the most important thing is that they get the help they need.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/03/2016

13,264

21

2015

Short answer is this: If she discussed it with her husband, your ex, and he agreed, then no foul. HE should have contacted you, as per your orders, but SHE has no responsibility to do so. SHE should communicate with HIM, and HE with you.

Most likely, she suggested, it, he said OK, go ahead and set it up, and figured that, since it could be beneficial, you'd be OK with it. Instead, you're getting upset because (while it was beneficial to the boy) you weren't 'in the loop'. Be mad at your EX, not his spouse. HIS was the communication failure, not hers.

Ev - posted on 02/03/2016

7,952

7

918

I can understand where you are coming from. But actually, his wife should have talked to him of the idea first and then dad should have talked to you about it. Step mom has no say in those major decisions and should not be really communicating about those with you. But Dove is right though if dad did decide that maybe the counseling at the church was a place to start and had her take him. My own kids' one step mom tried to take over things and make choices that were up to me and dad but I put my foot down. In the end she did not say much to me anymore. Also withholding the kids from dad is gong to get you in trouble.

Dove - posted on 02/03/2016

11,897

0

1350

If he supports her taking your son to the church for counseling... I'm not sure there would be any potential legal recourse because he can always say that he set it up and just needed her to drive the child.

There could, however, be tremendous legal recourse for you withholding his parenting time w/out a modification to the court order.

Is it rude to not inform you first? Yeah... but is it worth making an issue over? Probably not.

Jodi - posted on 02/06/2016

3,562

36

3907

It's not step-mom's job to communicate with you, it's dad's job. Speak to dad about it.

11 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

I think you need to stop making this about yourself. Yes, these are your kids....but they are also your husbands. I read that you are mentioning how "she" took your son to counseling and "she" doesn't keep you in the loop, but what about your ex? Do you really think that he had no say in what his wife does with his sons? If he felt it was appropriate and you guys had 50/50 custody, then you are the one who is out of line. He gets to make decisions about his sons while they are with him just like you get to make decisions while they are with you. Your exes wife didn't do anything to hurt your children. She didn't allow him to get drunk or go on a road trip. She took him to church and allowed him to talk to a clergy person about some issues he was having. I can't imagine why that would upset you so much unless you are making this all about how you just want a "say" in what happens. But it's not about you. I believe whole-heartedly in parallel parenting where the kids have a different set of rules in each household. You don't have to agree with everything they do at their fathers just like your ex doesn't need to agree with everything that you do in yours. That's fine. Take your ego out of the situation. And the fact that you changed the arrangement just because you weren't getting your way....and had your sons come and live with you permanently over these small things? That's the most upsetting part. I feel bad for your kids.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/06/2016

13,264

21

2015

Step mom's actions don't need to be "in check" at all. it is the responsibility of the child's FATHER to communicate with the child's mother.

Step mom did NOT drop any balls here. Bio dad did.

Tina - posted on 02/05/2016

9

0

5

Not sure the legalities in the US, but living in Canada, both biological parents must give written consent.
BUT...if a child needs counselling, surely all would agree; dad should have consulted you.

Raye - posted on 02/03/2016

3,761

0

21

I am a step-mom, and anything I do with the kids I clear with my husband. It's up to him to discuss with the mother, if he feels it warrants her being aware of the situation.

Carmelita - posted on 02/03/2016

4

0

1

That my husband and I are both entitled to major decisions in the kids life. I am also still the custodian parent even though we were sharing the kids every other week.

Dove - posted on 02/03/2016

11,897

0

1350

What do your custody/visitation orders say about this type of situation?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms