Step-Mom Problems

Mia - posted on 05/26/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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LONG STORY SHORT: I married my childhood best friend. He got his high school GF pregnant. My husband has had full custody for 13 years now. No battle, Bio Mom signed and agreed she wasn't a good fit for her son. Present day now....We have been together for 5 years.

My step son I consider my son. This woman... I don't think highly of. She is very immature and selfish (she plants negative seeds in his head and allows him to quit things that challenge him). She remarried and has two girls from another marriage and her newest model of husband has three of his own. sooooo Every JULY, that my step-son spends with them is like freakin DISNEY LAND! Presents, FUN, theme parks. She would never call him through out the year to check on him. She would text every once in a while.

Then her Husband and her move back to town and paper work says EVERY THURSDAY and EVERY other weekend she gets him. The stability we had built has gone to shit. We have a 13 year old boy who honestly has the best of both worlds. He is contently receiving love, affection, and anything he wants to do we are all for it or at least try. On the weekends when it is suppose to be her responsibility to make sure he makes practices for clarinet lessons, basket ball, and School functions. He some how always flakes out, or gets "Sick". She never follows through for us. She is teaching him to lie and make excuses. His attitude has changed from caring to, "Whatever, I'll do it next time".

His grades are slipping. He is quitting things and making excuses (he sounds like his mother, "I have five other kids to take care of I can't drive him around all day", My husband and I never talk bad about his mother in front of him.

When we try to talk to him he emotionally shuts down. He doesn't like to be told what to do it seems. It goes through one ear and out the other. He doesn't respond. This morning, I tried to talk to him on our way to school. I asked him to not take people for granted, that both families loved him and that we know he could do better if he tried a bit harder or cared a little bit more. He ignored me. I asked him to say something or respond on how he feels. He said,"ok" and slammed the door in my face. No remorse.

I am a good mother. I do so much for him and his baby brother. We use to be closer and now that she is in the picture again... He is changing. Whats worse is that he gets in trouble with us only to leave Thursday- Monday afternoon on her weekends and we never really properly get to deal with it, So when he comes back it is hard to be mad at him cause we missed him and vise versa with his BIO Mom. He is a chameleon. He is Chris over there and Middle name with us. There is no consequences for him, material things don't matter. He seriously has a lack of empathy. I don't know what do.

My husband and I are struggling... not with our marriage, we have each others back but, with him he is so closed off.. Did I mention BIO MOM pays ZERO in child support. My husband is just now considering taking her to court. He hadn't because he didn't want his son to resent him any more than he already does cause she has told him that We are trying to keep him away from her...the one who said in court she could't take care of him. I Love this kids so much and I also am very sad for him. I wish he would talk to us.

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Raye - posted on 05/26/2016

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Mia, I am a step-mom, and feel your pain. Co-parenting with a bad parent is no joy for bio or step parents that care. My SK's mom is lousy, too. My husband has had to pick the kids up from her house to take them to their activities and them bring them back to her plenty of times. She has agreed to take them to doctor appointments only to end up being "too busy" and not telling anyone (so we still have to pay the co-pay for the missed appt). She doesn't pay any of these things. She called my husband because she didn't have $3 to get into her son's basketball game, and he went and paid for her, her boyfriend, and her BF's two kids admission so his son wouldn't be disappointed that his mom couldn't see him play. We make plenty of sacrifices to cover her self-absorbed, lazy ass. We don't do it for her. We do it for the kids. Luckily, she doesn't talk bad about us (that I know of) to the kids, so we don't have that struggle, but you can't change how other people are. You have to make the best of it, change the circumstances if you can (through the courts), and try to do what's best for the child. Will the kids ever realize the sacrifices that are made for them? Most likely they won't pick up on everything. But if they felt loved, that's what they will remember. And that's what it's all about.

Mia - posted on 05/26/2016

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{{It has gotten to the point were we are going to stop asking her to help and arrange it all ourselves,}~~~~~Arrange what?}} Talking about The fact that when he has practices on her weekends and she makes excuses not to take him. I feel like not asking any more.

{{ if she is willing to give up her visitation rights.}~~~Unless she is abusing or a danger to this boy she won't loose or even consider giving up her rights to be with him. She has as much right to this child as his father does.}} Meaning she is unwilling to cooperate during her visitations rights. not asking her to give it up but to follow through...and excuses again.

thank you for your thoughts. Being a step mom has been rewarding and hard. It is frustrating to have this woman out of the picture for so long, to then just come back in and see him change...ugh. I just don't have all the say since he is technically not out of my uterus son. I just have to keep showing him that I love him and will always be there for him, even if its just his mother who he wants......( let me give another idea about BIO MOM: The month of July would be her month to have him but she and the new hubby drop the kids off the 5 kids at her mom's for the summer and that is one of the many things she does. So I see where all he wants is his mother. I just don't know why he is so closed off with us. We are not horrible. We have rules and chores and consequences... I don't know. I am venting for sure.

Ev - posted on 05/26/2016

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{{ Do you wait and hope that one day he realizes everything we did and how awful she is? }}~~~It may come to this. He may not understand at his age what she is really doing. My kids have had to deal with not so good step moms (I personally do not consider all step parents bad eggs....just the cards the kids got dealt). The current one used my daughter's want to please everyone to her advantage over my daughter time and again yet my son saw straight through her antics. And he was 7 years old when she came into his life. It took my daughter a long time to understand pleasing everyone just was not going to happen. But you also have to work at it too. Its not just wait and see....you have to make the boy responsible for how he treats others and give consequences when necessary.

{Or have to deal with new orders, court and the ugly truth.} ~~~~Yes, you may just have to deal with court orders changing and court and the truth. No one said life was easy or a bed of roses and you can not keep the truth from a 13 year old who can see what is going on and maybe get a bit of why.
{
We are trying to think of him. I don't want him to hurt anymore. I want him to let us in. I just don't know how yet.}~~~~~I understand you are thinking of his best interest but at the same time his mother is getting away with telling him all sorts of things when he is with her. It is usually against court orders for her to bad mouth or lie about the other parent and if that is the case, she is in contempt of court.

{It has gotten to the point were we are going to stop asking her to help and arrange it all ourselves,}~~~~~Arrange what?

{ if she is willing to give up her visitation rights.}~~~Unless she is abusing or a danger to this boy she won't loose or even consider giving up her rights to be with him. She has as much right to this child as his father does.

{ It still is not fair. We want to teach him commitment and to be discipline in things he wants to succeed in. }~~~Like I said, life is not fair or a bed or roses. You guys are just going to have to learn how to work with her via the courts or make this boy understand that the rules at home are ones he has to follow no matter what happens at mom's.

Mia - posted on 05/26/2016

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I agree about her paying child support. He should have done that from the beginning, but he was also young and his parents helped with court fees.Court Cost money, its crazy how she just gets away with so much. We have to pay to take her to court. We have to pay for lawyers to change the paperwork.

As far as communicating with BIO MOM, seriously has to be done via email. Her and My husband turn into vicious beings...they loath each other and my husband is boarder line Deaf so he prefers it in writing. He has a bunch of emails to use against her, but its the idea of our son being angry with him he hates. It is frustrating. Do you wait and hope that one day he realizes everything we did and how awful she is? Or have to deal with new orders, court and the ugly truth. We are trying to think of him. I don't want him to hurt anymore. I want him to let us in. I just don't know how yet.
It has gotten to the point were we are going to stop asking her to help and arrange it all ourselves, if she is willing to give up her visitation rights. It still is not fair. We want to teach him commitment and to be discipline in things he wants to succeed in.
Thank you for your thoughts!

Ev - posted on 05/26/2016

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I see a bunch of things wrong here. 1)Dad should have had her paying child support all along. 2)Dad should have been talking to her about having similar rules and consequences at her house just as at home. 3)You guys can not control her house or what she does there. 4)You guys should have gone back to court once they moved here to mediate some of the issues here. Like his going to practices and games what have you could have been added into the custody orders and visiation orders. Just because it is on her time does not mean he should be missing the things he has been doing.

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