step mom with rude step child

Ashley - posted on 01/20/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I'm so sick of doing everything for a child who isn't mine I only say this because I'm more of a mother to this child than his so called mom but he thinks she is the world but when I do everything I can for this 6 year old boy he tells me he hates me h don't like me that I'm mean he lies to his mom about me makes up stories and has such bad problems at school he is so disrespectful to me and other adults tells me to do things doent appreciate anything I do don't tell me thank you and last night I just blew up I need advice on how to handle this child I can't take anymore but I do what I can for him because he needs me as a mother figure. I'm just very hurt.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/21/2014

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First, the child is SIX YEARS OLD. Regardless of whether you've been in his life for 5 of those years, did his parents ever bother to get him some counseling for their split?

Have you gone to mediation to blend the families? Did you (EITHER of you) stop to consider how this child feels, being not only shuffled back and forth, but having his mother fill his head with viciousness, and her own brand of childishness, and then having you pretty much show him that you really don't like having him around...That kid lives in a war zone.

"I'M SO SICK OF DOING EVERYTHING FOR A CHILD THAT ISN'T MINE"... Re-read that for a minute, and ask yourself: Is it more important WHO is the parent, or is it more important that this child feel loved and secure at the very least in ONE place, with ONE person.

Now, re-read that sentence again, this time addressing yourself towards the attitude that you show the child. It is highly doubtful that your emotion in this regard is being subdued, no matter what you think. Bottom line is the kid knows you don't like him, and can feel that you'd rather not have him around. Put yourself in those shoes. Would you give a rat's ass about someone who so obviously disliked you?

He's reacting to you in exactly the manner that every kid reacts when they can tell they aren't loved. And, regardless of parenting situation, EVERY child can use all the love they can get.

Angela - posted on 01/21/2014

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I know what it's like...
For both sides
I was like the child once I was disrespectful to my stepmother but layer on I became a stepmom and now I realise why they are disrespectful.
It's because of the fact that they don't like it how you are acting like your his mom.
What I would do is stay calm then tell him you would like to just be his friend. Smile with him make him laugh if he says I hate you or something rude to you say I'm sorry you feel this way but I'm trying very hard.
If this doesn't work try talking to his dad. Ask him to talk to his son

Rochelle - posted on 01/20/2014

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Nowadays, everyone tip toes around rude, obnoxious, arrogant, spoilt children because of all these very many psyco-babble reasons. Regardless the "reasons": respect is respect and discipline should not be allowed to "be overlooked". My OPINION... I'm not here to score points on whether people agree or not. I've answered a question, leave it at that. Give you own opinion and let the writer decide what she wants to do with the opinions given.

PS: this is not a debate forum.
PPS: he needs a bloody good hiding

Lisa - posted on 01/22/2014

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From a personal stand point, I'm also a step child and It was VERY hard to except that kind of change. I was 5 when my parents divorced, and I didn't except the change until I was well out of high school. He will probably grow out of it the nicer you are, and the less intrusive you are. The simple fact is you are not his mother biologically, and he knows that. I'm sure you're a very nice woman, and I'm sure its hard for you, but you also need to understand that it is also very hard for your step child. Good luck to the both of you.

Susan - posted on 01/22/2014

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Dish out lots and lots of love and kindness, even if he's being rude, etc. If he says 'I hate you', in return, tell him 'well I love you' and smile. Tell him you've missed him when he is away at mummy's. And mean it. He's got a tough ride, he's 6 and hearing crap from mother... sadly:-( He probably sees that you are loving on your daughter and gets jealous, kids pick up on all sorts like that. So, he acts up. He really needs love and you are in a great spot in which to give it to him.

If you can turn all this around and make him be a better, happier boy, then your hubby will love and respect you for it. Hence a healthier relationship. Hubby needs you to be a loving, caring, doting, vulnerable mother to his boy.

Also, he is gonna think and feel that his mummy is the best thing since sliced bread. Its in a child's DNA to protect and be faithful to mummy. Tell him i'm glad you love your mummy, i'm proud that you love your mummy. Say wonderful things about his mum (lie if u have to at this point but do try and mean it;-). In time, he will ignore the bad things said about you and will form his own opinion. He will start to hide his excitement from his mum about coming to stay with you.

Its a form of abuse when mums say bad things to their child/do this to their children – it p6sses me off! So help him, because deep down he really needs you... :-). Also feel sorry for the mum and wish/pray that she will become a better person.

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Leela - posted on 01/21/2014

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Ashley this child is 6! I question how much you are projecting your feelings on this child. You sound very resentful towards him and it is possible that he's picking up your feelings. This child's world has been crazy and he is above it all a very young child. He probably doesn't even understand why he feels or acts the way he does. You howeve are the adult fighting with a 6 year old. Of course you're not winning! Step back and ask yourself what you really want.

Ashley - posted on 01/21/2014

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Thanks that is understandable I ha e talked to his dad many times and when we fight its because of his child and the child enjoys us arguing it just to the point where our relationship is going down hill do to the child treating me so crappy I can't handle it.

Teresa - posted on 01/20/2014

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You can't compare this child to your daughter which has a more stable home. You need unconditional love for this child. Love that is there whether you feel like doing something or not. Love that is there even when the kid is bad. It seems he is acting out for attention because he really doesn't know where he belongs. Reread your first sentence... then change your attitude and love no matter what and then you can help the child but you can't help a child you resent. Be the adult and do what is right then you can help the child with discipline and love.

Ev - posted on 01/20/2014

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I did not say that discipline should be over looked but that there are underlying reasons to his behavior. That is why the parents need to sit down and discuss things and even go to school and discuss things with those in charge to see what can be done to help him out. He needs to learn things and just giving a hiding is not going to get the point across. I understand the need for respect but it has to be earned both ways. I have two kids who give their dad respect but have told me that he has not earned it. He does not show them any respect to their feelings and/or themselves. They are both grown now. But it takes showing respect on both sides to start earning it. You can not demand it. Its one thing for a kid to respect someone because that person shows them the same. We are here to teach our kids all things that they need to grow up. I am not a perfect parent either. But I do think that besides spanking a kid or giving a good hiding to them does not always resolve issues. It might be time for counseling to come to the idea as to what is causing his actions.

Ashley - posted on 01/20/2014

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The child is here half the time and I do spend so much time with him and I get him things all the time the problems with his mom is she isn't stable his dad and I have been together for almost 5 years. So I don't see why he isn't used to this he wasn't old enough to understand when he was young. I don't demand respect from him I expect it as I'm an adult. His issues at school is he says bad things stealing stuff hurting other and talking back so I'm just lost I don't feel like it has to do with me I feel its a buch of things and I takes it out on me I'm not sure but that's why I'm just asking for advice my daughter lives with us full time and she isn't like this and we ha e same rules for our children.

Ev - posted on 01/20/2014

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Does the boy live with you and his dad most of the time? Or is it weekend visits? Its hard for a child his age to understand why mom and dad are not together, why dad or mom remarries, and then have to get used to a new person in their life. You can not expect that change to happen over night. Nor can you expect the child to love you automatically. Have you gotten to this child's level and tried to interact with him doing things that he likes or things that both of you like? Have you tried to be positive with him on those times that are good? You need to establish a base to build a relationship on. You need to also set the rules with father in the house and follow through with consequences when necessary. Have you talked to his father about how to handle the rules and such? There are a number of reasons this kid is doing this. And you need to figure that out. Once you figure out the problems then you can start to fix the problem even including things at school. He is also most likely angry because things are not what they used to be. As for your opinion of mom, I hope that is kept to yourself and not said in front of him; therefore; if it is said in front of him, I can see why he is acting like he is around you. Also you can not demand respect from him, you have to earn his respect too.

Rochelle-I have to disagree with you totally on "a bloody good hiding!" For the reasons I posted above...this child's world is not what it once was and he has no real way to express himself. And if he is angry he is going to act out. There are other options.

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