Robbin - posted on 12/19/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )
I apologize ahead of time if this runs a bit long, but I need advice terribly bad. My husband and I have been married for 6 months, living together for 18 months and together for a total of 2 ½ years. Together we have 6 kids, 4 of them my bio kids and 2 my step. My 4 bio are my 21 year old daughter and 20, 13 and 12 year old sons. My 2 youngest boys live with us full time. My 2 stepdaughters are 13 and 11, whom we are supposed to have Thursday – Sunday 3 weeks a month. My oldest 2 bio kids live close and we see them regularly. We are having problems with ex’s on both sides and my 2 stepdaughters. First I will start with my ex, we settled a custody battle a few months ago where I got full residential custody with joint decision making custody, he is to have visitation every other weekend, half of all school holidays and half of the summer. My 2 oldest bio kids have cut all ties with their dad each for their own reasons. He stole money from my oldest daughter, illegally claimed her daughter on taxes, threatened to beat up my oldest son when my son gave him his opinion on his dads new wife…..the list goes on and on. My 2 youngest boys have not seen their dad in 6 months but not because they don’t want to, it’s because he just never shows up to get them. He doesn’t have a phone so they can’t call him, they only way they have to get in touch with him is by sending him messages on facebook and they have asked over and over to see him. He makes the promise to come get them and never shows up. With Christmas just a week away I am worried that my boys will once again be heartbroken over their dad not showing up and I don’t know how to help them. I refuse to make any more excuses for their dad, you can only say “maybe something happened and he couldn’t come” so many times. I guess I should add here that all 4 of my bio kids LOVE my new husband and have awesome relationships with him, but I worry for my 2 youngest because I hate seeing them hurt when their dad doesn’t show up to see them. Does anyone have any advice on this?
Now for the issues on the other side, my husband has not seen his oldest daughter(13) for 9 months with the exception of Thanksgiving dinner at his parents’ house where she showed up. He also has not seen his youngest daughter(11) for 2 months with the same Thanksgiving exception. His oldest has given weird excuse after weird excuse as to why she won’t come stay with us on his weekends with her latest excuse being that she doesn’t feel safe at our house. His youngest daughter has all of a sudden stop coming with the excuse that she doesn’t like me anymore. Their mother encourages them to not come to our house, telling them things like “if you don’t like their rules you don’t have to go” or “if you don’t like doing your chores there you don’t have to go”. And since they agreed in mediation that the girls will not be forced to come see their dad, we really don’t think there is anything we can do about this.?.? My husband still has contact with his ex’s family and they keep him up to date on a lot of things. His ex-sister-in-law has told him the reason the girls refuse to come see him is because in his house he has rules and they have to do chores whereas with their mom they do what they want when they want. Both of the girls have claimed that they do not even do their own homework when they are with their mother; they refuse to do it so she does it for them. My husband has tried going and picking them up and spending some one on one time with them to see if he can get them to start coming to spend weekends again and it has not worked. Every time he picks them up they expect him to take them out to eat or take them shopping and if he doesn’t do it they get mad. They demand things from him and when he does not do what they tell him to do they get mad. His oldest daughter at one point told me that she can tell her mother what to do and she will do it and she thinks that her dad should do the same and get rid of me because she said so. I have tried my hardest to bond with these girls, before they quit coming to see us I took them shopping for clothes, let them pick out what they wanted and paid for it out of my personal money. I have painted their nails, done their hair, let them borrow my clothes and jewelry…………everything I could think of to bond with them and all it got me was for my things to come up missing and them saying they can’t stand me. We have recently been told that their mother is now telling them that it is my fault that she is no longer married to their dad because she never meant it when she told him to get out and if I hadn’t gotten in the way then they would have gotten back together. My husband and I didn’t even start dating until after their divorce was final, granted it was only 1 week after, but they were separated for a year before they divorced. I had nothing to do with their divorce at all. I guess what all this boils down to is, I need to know if anyone has any advice on how to get my 2 stepdaughters to start coming to see their dad again? I have tried so hard to not let it bother me, because heck those 2 girls make our whole house miserable when they are with us but I am so tired of seeing my husband hurt because his girls are acting like spoiled brats.