Step Moms, Bio Moms, Anyone, Advice Please???

Robbin - posted on 12/19/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I apologize ahead of time if this runs a bit long, but I need advice terribly bad. My husband and I have been married for 6 months, living together for 18 months and together for a total of 2 ½ years. Together we have 6 kids, 4 of them my bio kids and 2 my step. My 4 bio are my 21 year old daughter and 20, 13 and 12 year old sons. My 2 youngest boys live with us full time. My 2 stepdaughters are 13 and 11, whom we are supposed to have Thursday – Sunday 3 weeks a month. My oldest 2 bio kids live close and we see them regularly. We are having problems with ex’s on both sides and my 2 stepdaughters. First I will start with my ex, we settled a custody battle a few months ago where I got full residential custody with joint decision making custody, he is to have visitation every other weekend, half of all school holidays and half of the summer. My 2 oldest bio kids have cut all ties with their dad each for their own reasons. He stole money from my oldest daughter, illegally claimed her daughter on taxes, threatened to beat up my oldest son when my son gave him his opinion on his dads new wife…..the list goes on and on. My 2 youngest boys have not seen their dad in 6 months but not because they don’t want to, it’s because he just never shows up to get them. He doesn’t have a phone so they can’t call him, they only way they have to get in touch with him is by sending him messages on facebook and they have asked over and over to see him. He makes the promise to come get them and never shows up. With Christmas just a week away I am worried that my boys will once again be heartbroken over their dad not showing up and I don’t know how to help them. I refuse to make any more excuses for their dad, you can only say “maybe something happened and he couldn’t come” so many times. I guess I should add here that all 4 of my bio kids LOVE my new husband and have awesome relationships with him, but I worry for my 2 youngest because I hate seeing them hurt when their dad doesn’t show up to see them. Does anyone have any advice on this?

Now for the issues on the other side, my husband has not seen his oldest daughter(13) for 9 months with the exception of Thanksgiving dinner at his parents’ house where she showed up. He also has not seen his youngest daughter(11) for 2 months with the same Thanksgiving exception. His oldest has given weird excuse after weird excuse as to why she won’t come stay with us on his weekends with her latest excuse being that she doesn’t feel safe at our house. His youngest daughter has all of a sudden stop coming with the excuse that she doesn’t like me anymore. Their mother encourages them to not come to our house, telling them things like “if you don’t like their rules you don’t have to go” or “if you don’t like doing your chores there you don’t have to go”. And since they agreed in mediation that the girls will not be forced to come see their dad, we really don’t think there is anything we can do about this.?.? My husband still has contact with his ex’s family and they keep him up to date on a lot of things. His ex-sister-in-law has told him the reason the girls refuse to come see him is because in his house he has rules and they have to do chores whereas with their mom they do what they want when they want. Both of the girls have claimed that they do not even do their own homework when they are with their mother; they refuse to do it so she does it for them. My husband has tried going and picking them up and spending some one on one time with them to see if he can get them to start coming to spend weekends again and it has not worked. Every time he picks them up they expect him to take them out to eat or take them shopping and if he doesn’t do it they get mad. They demand things from him and when he does not do what they tell him to do they get mad. His oldest daughter at one point told me that she can tell her mother what to do and she will do it and she thinks that her dad should do the same and get rid of me because she said so. I have tried my hardest to bond with these girls, before they quit coming to see us I took them shopping for clothes, let them pick out what they wanted and paid for it out of my personal money. I have painted their nails, done their hair, let them borrow my clothes and jewelry…………everything I could think of to bond with them and all it got me was for my things to come up missing and them saying they can’t stand me. We have recently been told that their mother is now telling them that it is my fault that she is no longer married to their dad because she never meant it when she told him to get out and if I hadn’t gotten in the way then they would have gotten back together. My husband and I didn’t even start dating until after their divorce was final, granted it was only 1 week after, but they were separated for a year before they divorced. I had nothing to do with their divorce at all. I guess what all this boils down to is, I need to know if anyone has any advice on how to get my 2 stepdaughters to start coming to see their dad again? I have tried so hard to not let it bother me, because heck those 2 girls make our whole house miserable when they are with us but I am so tired of seeing my husband hurt because his girls are acting like spoiled brats.

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Jodi - posted on 12/19/2013

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About your two youngest boys, they will be fine. My son's father took of to live interstate a long while back, and at one point, he didn't see him for 10 months. Yes, it made him sad, but kids do figure out what their father is like when he is flaky. My son is now 16 and he does see his dad here and there now, but it isn't all that regular. He's just used to it. It doesn't really upset him, he just makes the most of the time he has. I stopped making excuses for his dad a long time ago. I decided it was bet for him if he figure it out for himself. They only need one stable parent to grow up to be stable adults. All you can do is make Christmas wonderful for them so any pain they feel is minimised.

I'm sorry, I don't have advice on your husband's daughters, other than that maybe there need to be court ordered visitations. While they are old enough to make a decision themselves, the reasons they are giving are not good ones, and I doubt a judge would agree with them. But then, do you really want to force them? I imagine not. They do sound like spoiled brats, and I'm not quite sure what to suggest.

Amy - posted on 12/19/2013

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I wish I had some sound advice for you...
I have been there. My husband and I have been together 10 years and I raised his three children (now 22, 20 and 15). Out of 3 only one talks to him often and that's the one that lives with us. One will not talk to me at all, the other only calls or texts if she wants to know something about the younger one (say what does she want for Christmas...). The youngest says she wants me to be her mom but then when she gets around my husband's family, she acts totally different and she doesn't try to connect with me when I reach out to her. They have told fabricated stories and lies about us and our household to his family and their mom's brother. I would think that since their mom was not living now, it would have made us closer. We also have three children together but neither of the older two acknowledge them unless we are all at the same family gathering. The youngest just seems to be bothered by the younger three. It's a bad situation when blended families end up not getting along. I wish I had advice...good luck! (((HUGS)))

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Robbin - posted on 12/26/2013

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Thank you for the comments, Christmas went pretty much as expected. Its so hard to watch people you love hurt because other people want to be so selfish.

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