Step-Moms/ Moms/ Single Parents

Jess - posted on 04/19/2017 ( 12 moms have responded )

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So... long story short... I am a single mom. I got out of a bad relationship with my ex about 7 years ago, he was emotionally and physically abusive, even making my daughter call me names when she was 3 years old. I left, and days later I was served papers for a custody agreement. Every other day and every other weekend. Holidays split yada yada... dad was never to pay child support and he was to claim her on his taxes every year. Well... let's just say - this has never happened. At all. He moved to a town an hour away to go to school. But when my daughter went to stay with him, she always stayed at his moms. And if she was lucky he maybe would see her for a maximum of a half hour if that. Over the past six years I can count on my hand the number of times she's stayed with him only. I moved to another state (only five hour drive away) during these six years and never once got a phone call from him. He met me halfway twice to pick her up so she could stay with his mom. So... this last summer.. a miracle happened (sort of) and my ex started to show interest and wanting to visit his daughter more often after I moved back after a family tragedy. Of course I was okay with it, I was thrilled he wanted to spend time with her. Only took me a couple of visits to find out he was basically using her as a 'father of the year' pawn. He had found a new girlfriend. But yet, he still had a hard time visiting his own daughter even when we moved back to the town we started in (only a hour apart) until he started seeing someone new. Months went by and it continued, until one day I received a call from him, and told my daughter he asked his gf to marry him and she would have a new mom. I was irate, but I didn't say anything. Time goes on, (this was last October when he called so they hasn't even been dating a year). We argued over who got her for Christmas (last year his mom had her, which I have proof of) and so he and his fiancé were angry they didn't get her. Little banters like this go back and forth every once and a while but never once have I bad mouthed him or his new fiancé. But now, my daughter won't let me do anything, this gradually started a while back, but it's increasingly so... im not allowed to braid her hair, or paint her nails. I'm not jealous of the other woman and I could care less about my ex, but it feels like my daughter is slowly turning her back on me. She's literally all I have. She wants to spend all her time at their house, she even told me today that ' I trust '(insert step moms name here)' only, she's the Only person I trust anymore. My daughter refers to her as her new mom. She's doing poorly in school now. Doesn't care about school or doing well. Acts out. Her new step brother doesn't help matters any either. When she first started staying at her dads house, they would let the two sleep together in the same bed, which is NOT okay in my books, especially when they are pre-teens. I am just being petty and jealous? I don't feel like I am, and I'm sure there are great step moms out there, and I have nothing against this lady either. I just don't trust either one.

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Ev - posted on 04/20/2017

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I have to agree with Sarah E. You need to follow the court orders to a T. If you do not you will be in trouble with the court over it. If it says you have total sole custody, then he does not have joint 50-50 custody. If he has some sort of joint custody no matter the percentage then that is what he gets. You can not alter the court orders because you feel he is not holding up his end of things. Take it to court.

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Michelle - posted on 04/21/2017

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Court orders are court orders even if they haven't been followed. Your lawyer was very wrong to tell you that!
You need to go back to court and get new ones. That's where he can ask for 50/50 and the judge will decide, not you.

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2017

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The sticky part (and your lawyer should be cautioning you) is it does not really matter what you think, if it is in the court documents then you are obligated to either follow them or amend them. Certainly if you can demonstrate to the court that he has been refusing his parenting time the arrangement may get altered. But emotions aside, he really does have equal right to parent.

Jess - posted on 04/20/2017

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Yeah - we did. But it hasn't been followed since day one, like I said in the my post. He now feels like he's entitled to 50/50 custody even though I've been the sole provider for the last six years. She would go between myself and her dads mom (grandma) and even then they would call and cancel because grandma had to work. So I consider the papers null and void, and my lawyer does too. I just don't think he has the right to tell me he deserves 50/50 when he hasn't cared at all before, it's just since he got a girlfriend (fiancé) it seems to matter. I'm glad he wants to spend time with her now but he better stick around for her sake.

Jess - posted on 04/19/2017

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I hear ya there! She hasn't been nasty to me yet, but it's the lack of motherly duties that the new step mom gets to do is what really stings. I also remember being a kid too and being nasty, but yeah. It's just a lot of change for the both of us so fast. It sort of happened out of nowhere, she also lost her grandpa last year (my dad) and they were close. But it seems like she hasn't really grieved at all. She was showing a friend some of her pictures and when it came to grandpa she didn't even mention him. I have a feeling part of this behavior (especially the schooo part) has to do with that.

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2017

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I do get how you feel, My daughter, now 18, went thru a spurt of being horrible to me but nice as pie to every other person in the universe. Thankfully it has passed. I recall not being so nice to my own mom as well. One thing my mother reminded me about was kids will be unkind to those they know love them unconditionally. Your child knows that nothing she can do will cause you to stop loving her and so she's going to use you to test out her autonomy. I don't have personal experience with step-parents but that has got to sting a bit.

Jess - posted on 04/19/2017

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Step mom hates me... because I said no to Christmas. Mommy daughter date sounds like a fantastic idea though. We don't nearly get to spend as much time together as we'd like to.

Nikki - posted on 04/19/2017

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I totally get it, and you right in feeling that way. It hurts. But you should take her on a mommy daughter date and reconnect. Just know that no one will ever take your place and im sure step mom knows that as well.

Jess - posted on 04/19/2017

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I understand. But it's when the new step mom is allowed to do her hair and not me. I'm happy that her new step mom treats her well, and she is comfortable around her. I guess I'm just butt hurt I'm getting thrown on the back burner. She's not mean or hateful to me, I just don't think she realizes what she says is hurtful to me.

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2017

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This may be more of an issue between you and your daughter rather than your ex and his family. It is normal for teens to push away from their parents, it is part of asserting independence and growing up. Now, it is not ok for her to be rude to you, you don't have to tolerate that. But if she is old enough to do her own hair, she can decide for herself who gets to do it and when.

Nikki - posted on 04/19/2017

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Unfortunatley you cannot dictate what happens when she is with her dad that is her other family. Just as you wouldnt want him telling you what to do when she's in your care. However, its not ok that your daughter is lashing out and acting differently towards you. I'd talk to her and try to get to the bottom of it. At the end of the day she's a child so disrespecting you isnt ok, she cannot tell you that you cant do her hair etc. Have you talked to her dad about it?

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