Step moms not being accepted???????????????????????????????

Stacy - posted on 03/24/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I am in a relationship with a man that has an 81/2 yr old daughter and we have been together for 2 yrs now and the daughter still will not accept me and the father does not help the situation because when she is horrible to me all he does is say thats not nice or does nothing, she has told me many of times " i hate you, your the worst step mother there is, you need to just go away," she has said this in front of her father and again he says nothing or says thats not nice you need to say your sorry, when i cook she will say"I'm not eating that,dad you will fix me some hotdogs" and he will fix the hotdog about half the time and the other half he will compromise with her and tell her " eat some of it" then it becomes a game with her and she will say " well how much do I have to eat?" I am at my last straw and don't know what to do any ideas would be great...... my thought is that she was not taught proper maner when she was younger.

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Jodi - posted on 03/24/2011

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You need to talk to your husband about this. Not only is it unacceptable for your stepdaughter to treat you this way, it is totally unacceptable for your husband to stand there and allow it to happen. Unless you and he can be a team on this, you will get nowhere. Sorry, but I wouldn't tolerate it. Every issue I have EVER had with my step-children, I have been backed 100% by my husband, there is no way this would be okay with him. If he were to stand by and allow this to happen, I would have walked out years ago.

Now, chances are he is concerned that if he takes a stand on this matter, he is worried she won't want to see him any more. Well, tough luck. Sorry, but she is being a brat, and he is a PARENT, not her friend. Would he accept it as okay if this is how she treated him, his mother, her grandparents, and other adult in his life? If this attitude is in any way coming from her mother (which sometimes happens), then he needs to address this.

So yeah, I think I'd be issuing ultimatums. Time for him to man up.

Shannintipton - posted on 03/26/2011

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As a child from divorce and my dad taking custody since I was four, my dad always put us first with his relationships. Then there was one when I was about 9 or 10. She was different, she was special is my dads eyes. I did not like this at all. I gave her the most difficult time. She still married my dad and things didnt get any better. My dad would let me get away with murder. She started to dicipline me . . . harshly (I thought). No phone, no friends, no tv and no stereo for a month. This went on for years until I moved out at 18. She almost left him when I was 16, but thank God she didn't. I look back now and realize she really made an impact on my life. In a weird way, she did all those things because she cared. And I thank God she set me straight. She also turned out to be the best thing for my dad. He now has another family and someone to grow old with. If I had scared her away or if she had left even when things got tough, my dad would be alone. And I would be with my family while he was by himself. I am saying stay or dont stay, I'm just think if this relationship is worth it, she won't always be around. And my stepmom is even nice to me today and I get advice from her all the time. She is my hero. Good luck:)

shannin tipton

Jenni - posted on 03/25/2011

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Yes, your husband is enabling her. So until you can get him on the same page with you and he starts disciplining his daughter for behaviour that should be unacceptable. We don't say those sort of disrespectful things to *ANYONE*. You will never be able to have a good relationship with your SD.



It is hard for some Dads to take on the role of Mom once he is in that situation. It sounds to me like he's a little clueless. Maybe some behind closed doors guidance from you may help him learn his new role. Also, sometimes when parents are split they find themselves in a competion to be the most 'likeable' parent. He may fear that being too hard on his daughter will push her away. These are things you should address when you have a chat with him.



Start your conversation with him as: "Honey, we really need to chat. I am feeling very hurt right now by .....'s behaviour towards me. We can't continue like this. I want to build a relationship with her but I can't until she learns to respect me... I need your help to gain that respect from her..."



Once the respect is being enforced, it's important to allow her to have some exclusive father/daughter time. A few hours where he takes her out to do something she enjoys, just the two of them. Eventually, it would be good for you to spend some one on one time with her as well.

Erica - posted on 03/25/2011

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I agree your husband does need to back yoiu up. Chances are though the child feels if she does care about you she will betraing her BM. You just needt o assure her that you arent there to take her moms place but to love her.

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Katherine - posted on 08/25/2012

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I had children who had a stepdad and now I am a stepmom, so I'd like to point out that it is a biological parent's instinct to try to protect their children. If your significant other feels you do not like his child (and it does come across that way, perhaps with good reason), he is going to feel he has to protect her from you. He will fall into the trap of being "caught in the middle" and feeling like he has to take sides. And since he loves you both, he will not want to do that.



At this point, I would concentrate on building a relationship with this child. Then do your best to "parent" her from a relationship standpoint... she cooperates with you because she LIKES you and does not want to hurt you... rather than from a rules/make him take your side standpoint.



I know this is simplified and I could write pages about it, but this is what I've been doing with my 10 year old stepdaughter and it is working beautifully. I rarely ever discipline her...I leave that to her dad... and I NEVER say a negative word about her to her dad. He is her parent, not me. And I accept that he is going to raise her differently than I raised mine. Every now and then I gently suggest things to him, but never is a way that makes him think I want anything but the best for his daugter.



Anyway, just my two cents' worth. I wish you the best.

Jodi - posted on 03/27/2011

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Shanin, I think Emma was possibly referring to Carrie's comment about them not being married. I fully agree with Emma too. My husband and I weren't married at first, but I was still an adult who lived in that household (in fact it was actually my house we ended up deciding to move into), so therefore, I still should have had the respect of one of the heads of the household.



Whenever there have been issues over the years, I guarantee, it is the other parent causing the problems or not agreeing with the way we run our home. I don't always agree with how my ex does things with our son when he is there either, but I at least have the maturity to recognise that unless it is abuse, it is really not my place to dictate their rules in their house, and I shouldn't allow myself to become the advocate on behalf of my son when he has broken the rules.

Shannintipton - posted on 03/27/2011

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I agree. I was pointing it out from the kids point of view. I was totally in the wrong and just greatful my stepmom stuck it out for my dad. I still feel bad to this day for the way I treated my stepmom. It would be great if the father stood up for her. Because he could lose a partner if he doesnt and become a very lonely man when his daughter grows up and moves out. Then where will he be . . . alone. It just seems that it will be a difficult situation all the way around. I will them all the best of luck because they may need it.
shannin tipton

Stifler's - posted on 03/27/2011

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Whether they're married or not makes no difference though. His kid is disrespecting her father's partner. Does it suddenly only become unacceptable the day they get married?

Carrie - posted on 03/26/2011

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Ladies, Stacy only mentioned being in a "relationship" with this gentleman for two years.

Until a marriage commitment is made, the daughter is not going to take Stacy seriously as a permanent fixture and will always think that there is a way to get rid of her. Stacy, I agree that the conversations and conflicts over this little girl's behavior need to be in private, but she needs to see it as her dad inviting you into the discipline responsibilities and not the other way around. This will help her respect her father more and you at the same time. Good luck.

♥TIA♥ - posted on 03/24/2011

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I must admit the rest of the ladies are right except for one thing someone mentioned, that you are not to parent this child. I totally disagree! If you are a legal step parent. You do have responsibilities to do what's right for the child. And yes, a respectful relationship going both ways is a must. And if you are a legal step parent. Your other half should step up to the plate and have her respect you both the same. As you would for your own child as well, that's the way you should be with his. I watch a lot of other peoples children. Most of them are very disrespectful to their own parents. But when it comes to me, I have my rules....Don't like it. To bad! In the long run through constant discipline, love, and patience. You should achieve great results. It does take time.

Stifler's - posted on 03/24/2011

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I agree, he's reinforcing this by not doing anything and making her a hotdog. He needs to stick up for you and tell her to eat what she's given and that saying she hates you is unacceptable behaviour.

Peggy - posted on 03/24/2011

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I agree with Jodi! You can't expect a child to treat you with respect if your boyfriend lets her get away with it! He either stands up for you in regards to the little girl or find a new guy!

Carrie - posted on 03/24/2011

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Stacy, blending families is NEVER easy. I agree that this little girl is getting away with bad behavior and needs to learn some manners. However, she has had to deal with regular change in her life (changing homes for visitation) and changing parenting styles. It will always be hard to a certain extent if the parents are inconsistent in their expectations.

However, it is not your job to parent the girl, and efforts to do so will only push her away more. I find I am more impatient with other people's children when they do not have the manners that I believe children should have but many do not. It is absolutely the job of her father to parent her. He needs to see that when he allows her to disrespect you, then he is participating in the disrespect himself. If you feel that this relationship is one that has lasting power, then you need to speak with him. Keep in mind that this situation could be the result of a pattern developed over YEARS and may take quite some time to remedy. Be patient. Be consistent. Good luck.

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