Step mother is going over my head and calling the school directly

Heather - posted on 08/29/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I am having a hard time with this situation. My daughter is 5. Her father is remarried and we all get along ok. My problem is this. When I have an issue I go to her father and when he feels like the conversation is not going his way or he does not agree he ignores me totally. So school just started. Stepmom has tried to call the new school that my daughter is at to set up a separate parent teacher conference (which I invited her to come to meet the teacher and she did come), to find out about car tags(which I had in the envelope the teacher gave me to give to her), and who is on the pickup list. I told my ex that I did not appreciate stepmom going over my head and calling the school and that they should ask me instead. He ignores me. So I text her and tell her basically the same thing, very nicely. I appreciate everything you do as a step parent for my daughter but certain boundaries need to be in place. No answer from her either. They basically ignore me and do whatever they please. I am so frustrated BEYOND BELIEF with these people. Help!

8 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 08/30/2014

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Some parents can be nasty that way and without orders or a written agreement they can not allow contact with the other parent just to spite them.
I know it seems horrible but sometimes you do need everything in writing, all the way down to what day and time contact will be made.

Heather - posted on 08/29/2014

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I really thought maybe it was common sense that if she missed me he would let her call. Apparently I need to spell things out for them

Michelle - posted on 08/29/2014

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Maybe you need to adjust your court orders so everyone knows their boundaries.
In regards to your daughter not ringing you then you should have spoken to her Father before he had her and arranged when she would call you. Maybe that's something else you need to put into the court orders.

Heather - posted on 08/29/2014

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I totally agree Chet MC. The things she's calling the school for were the day they happened, I hadn't even left the school yet. I invite them to everything, give them all information concerning my child. He should have a response either way. He can tell me he does not agree with me and we will agree to disagree, tell me we will work to find a middle ground, or tell me to f*ck off I don't care.

Jasmine - posted on 08/29/2014

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this seems like a problem! but maybe they need time to think and talk things through to eachother. if they give you no response maybe doing the same thing not to get back at her but to ensure that your getting what you need and deserve as well as your child.

Chet - posted on 08/29/2014

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I understand that this might just be the straw that broke the camel's back, but it sounds like you're super twisted up about something pretty small.

In general, my advice would be :

1. If you have information or items that your ex or his wife need concerning your daughter you need to pass them along immediately. If you have car tags for them drop them off right away, or text and say "I just got these, do you want me to drop them off, or I can hang on to them if you want to pick them up when you need them". If you sit on stuff and make them go looking for it you're setting yourself up for this to some extent.

2. Respect that it's usually best to go to the source for information. Some of this may be them trying to go over your head, but some of it may just be wanting to hear things from the horse's mouth. If I go to the parent teacher conference I never remember every single thing to pass along to my husband. And when he goes to the meetings he's terrible for passing details along as he remembers them, a little at a time over the next two weeks. Sometimes it's just easier to call the office at the school or meet with the teacher yourself.

3. As for ignoring you when he doesn't like how the conversation is going. in all fairness, what do you want him to do? His options are to ignore you, argue with you, or give in. Knowing that when a conversation becomes confrontational he'll just drop the issue with you and do want he wants, you need to manage conversations better when things matter to you. Work on your diplomacy. It's annoying that you have to do that, but when you interact with people you need to work around their quirks.

Heather - posted on 08/29/2014

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Thank you. I'm trying to be mature about this and I am IGNORED every time an actual adult situation comes up. I don't know where to go from here. Is it the end of the world? No. He also had my daughter the whole month of July and I was told she missed me but he would not allow her to call me. I don't call there, I tell her to call me so that I don't disrupt their household and I am ignored. My poor child didn't get to talk to me for a month. The lack of communication is so frustrating to me.

Natalie - posted on 08/29/2014

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Yikes. I am sorry. They should not be overstepping their bounds like that. You are the mother here. Sounds like you did the right thing already. Good luck! I wish I knew a good solution for you.

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