Step mother issues

[deleted account] ( 16 moms have responded )

I been with my bf for awhile now he has 5 year old daughter but now its getting worst now she is too clingy if her father goes to the bathroom she waits outside of bathroom if he goes away for min she follows him she doesnt do anything without him when we say go have play yourself its why why why its getting too much and when i say something i look like the bad guy her dad tries to stop it but gives in cause she doesnt want to listen its getting to point where we cant leave the house for 2 min without her following him every sentence with daddy.... please advice what should do i just cant take it anymore we are fighting cause of this and its causing issues with us because he thinks he should be talking to her which he does but she doesnt listen and when i get involved and make sure something is done we end up fighting.

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Amanda - posted on 07/06/2015

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You have to realize you are probably not the first priority in his life, she is. Also you are not her step mother, your just his girlfriend. You have to understand kids her age are very protective and clingy with their parents, it's normal. It's really not your business to start fights over it and get involved. Her father can solve it his way.

[deleted account]

DOVE wby are u attacking me if you had read what i wrote i said i care for her then her mother does im more of her mother to her then her own mother and i was the one who pushed for custody but we cant get it its split in half unless her mother beats her up or what not we cant get custody and i was also the one who pushed for her to see the doc and got refferal for childers psyc doc but her mother isnt followin through it and im the one whos been pushing for last 6 months for her to get help and her parents come back saying shes a kid i know she has issues and shes a kid thats why i want her to talk to proffesional help cause she will open to them rather then to us so where do i come off as its all about me?? all i asked was how do i help her without her parents thinking im doing something wrong ive tried it all im out of solutions i feel bad for her cause she has these emotional built up anger and its its not healthy shes not accepting anyone but her dad and i feel bad for her she needs to trust others she doesnt so im tryning to find way to help her without her thinking that im the bad guy i tried talking to her giving her support letting her be herself but its not working i get it shes my step kid or im her step mum but i do feel bad for her and my hands are tied when it comes to making choices for her so im asking as parent what else i can do i never said its all about me n me if that was the case then i wouldnt be here seeking help right i would say who cares not my child screw it let her grow up this way ofcourse i give a damn about her n luv her like my child so i dont know why you saying stop making it sound like its all about you

[deleted account]

Divorce is a bad thing to do. See what it causes. But you should have prepared for that. Don't expect her to be happy with you. It's you taking her mother's place remember? The girl is just giving you the normal reaction. It's natural. But then try and make her feel save around you. Maybe that'll help

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/06/2015

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Seriously, OP, this child NEEDS counseling and help.

Lauren - posted on 07/06/2015

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I am in a similar situation only the children are older. The kids are 8 and 9 and freak out if their father leaves the room. They are scared to take a shower without him in the bathroom, and getting them to stay in their beds at night is a constant struggle. I have learned that my best offense is letting him handle it. Consistency is king. The bio mom sounds a lot like the bio mom of my step kids. Eventually they will catch on to her neglect, but for right now the best thing we can do is let them work through their emotions and fears in their own way. I understand your frustration with the lack of privacy, but the children have gone through a hell of a lot already. I do everything I can to befriend the kids, to make them feel loved and things are improving. They went from sleeping in his bed every night to sleeping on the couches and now they have managed to stay in their rooms most of the time. Enjoy your alone time with your husband when she is not with you, when she is there, she comes first. Sounds like the 5 yr old is really struggling with the sharing of parents, with the neglect of her mother, with all of the inconsistency. As far as the inappropriate comments go, I agree with the other posts that perhaps she is going through more than your typical blended family issues. With 2 engagements in a year and a parade of men around I would seek professional guidance. If she is being abused it needs to stop right now, and you need to get custody of her. Best of luck!

Dove - posted on 07/06/2015

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Fine. Don't listen to the people that WORK w/ children... obviously you must be an expert. Oh wait... no, you said you had no experience w/ children and that's why you were asking.... Yet when people who DO have experience w/ children are telling you there is a problem you completely disregard us.

It is true that there isn't much you can do if her parents won't listen, but I still stand by the fact that this child needs help... but NOT by you trying to break her attachment w/ her father. She likely needs that to try and feel secure. Who is looiking for doctors? Just you... or are her parents looking too? If her father is interested in getting her help he can ask for a referral from her regular doctor... it's a place to start, at least.

Jodi - posted on 07/06/2015

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Saniya, it is quite clear you have never done any trauma training. This child is showing clear signs of trauma of some sort, or at the very least, attachment issues (which are generally associated with some level of trauma). You continue to disregard this. You can NOT just say "she doesn't feel neglected". You can't say how she is feeling. To take it as affront to how "you" are raising her is an inappropriate response. After all, firstly, you are not the only one raising her, and secondly, this isn't about YOU.

She is finding her security in a way she knows. I think you need to back off a little. If dad isn't bothered by it, then you shouldn't be either.

[deleted account]

No she has the best care we spoiled her too much thinking ill be good for her so she doesnt feel neglected at all but it got out of control now she wants everything cause she thinks shes entitled to i say no to her all the time because i wouldnt raise my child like that she doesnt get the attention from her from so i assumed she needs to it from her and i dont say anything we are looking at doctors for help but her mother n father both are care free end up saying every kid does this its normal let it go your making issue out of nothing so i dont get involved in it anymore i just sit on the side line but ive had it enough but cant do anything cause im just the step mommy whos not allowed to intervine in choices when it comes to her im always the last one to know stuff when i say i told you so you shouldnt have done that why wont you listen i get told its not your place to make choices its up to her mum be more of friend to her then step mum so im at point where im thinking of breaking up with him cause i dont deserve this when it comes to his kid but i feel sorry for him and the kid cause they dont deserve the pain either but no matter how much i try to tell him things he says its ok shes a kid thats their response to everything its tire some and i just need help to sort these issues without having to break up or her going through more emotional pain then she has to

Dove - posted on 07/05/2015

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She needs professional help... counseling at the very least. I would say EVERYTHING she is doing is completely normal for a child who has been neglected (by her mother) and possibly sexually abused (by a boyfriend of the mother, perhaps?). She is exhibiting a lot of warning signs of trauma and abuse and if someone does not help her things will only get worse. I feel so bad for this little girl and the rough life she's been given by the people who are supposed to take care of and protect her.

[deleted account]

she was one when they broke up so she doesnt remember much we been together for4 yrs now she get a lot of attention from her father then her mother her mother basically pawns her off onto to us whenever she can takes one one weekend per month if we lucky otherwise shes with us mostly we support her and we look after the kid i know shes going through some issues thats why we never said anything when it comes to being with her dad all the time but now its getting worst she went through same stuff like being angry all the time giving me attitude non stop making me cry non stop the way she lashes out i let it be thinking its divorce and shes realising that her parents arent together anymore her mother has been engaged twice in one year period and shes more into herself then her spending time with her daughter she thinks that its ok for her to treat me like she does to her mother and her dad doesnt approve it and he talks to her but she does it more then i have no experience with kids thats why i dont care too much when she lashes out or gives me attitude recently we found out that shes been going around telling people i beat her up treat her so bad n lock her in her room which is funny cause i get no alone time with her cause shes tied to her dad and he puts her to sleep stays in bed with her for hour then comes to bed which i think is too much if she wakes up middle of night he will sleep in her bed or she will sleep in our bed we get no privacy whats so ever she sleeps on the ground in our room half time cause she doesnt want to leave him alone if he says im going to bathroom she says i have to go to shes asking weird questions and doing weird things when it comes to her dad example yesterday she said i would stick my toungue in your mouth and lick the inside like what!!!!!! her behavior is turning into this weirdness thing like she sees her dad her bf and not dad she tries touching him weirdly thats why i dont let her be in our bed she asks weird questions im not too sure if other kids do that at this age she will be 6 next month but she doesnt act like 6 its getting worst by day im just wondering if there is something i can do without him knowing it?

Dove - posted on 07/05/2015

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How much experience do you have w/ young children from split homes? Do you have any experience w/ children who have emotional issues?

Trying to break this attachment DOES make you the 'bad guy'... I understand that you ARE trying to help, but your 'help' is much more likely to backfire and make the child cling MORE to her father.

She sounds a lot like my son used to be... and I'll tell you... the more I tried to convince him that he didn't need to cling to me every second... the more he wanted to cling to me. He needed TIME and patience... he's 7 and I'm still in his bed until he falls asleep at night... and I'm OK w/ that because when I look at how he is now compared to how he was 2-3 years ago I can SEE just how far he's come and I have no doubt w/ more time and more patience he will no longer want/need me in his bed to fall asleep.

Oh... and on a 'side note'... my son was diagnosed w/ anxiety and depression at 5.5 years old and at 6 years old received counseling (anger issues) for about 6 months.

I'm not speaking out of ignorance when I tell you the girl needs time and patience and 'possibly' counseling... I'm speaking from experience as a bio mom who's child was very similar.

Jodi - posted on 07/05/2015

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Actually, it is totally normal for a child who has emotional issues with fears of abandonment and separation. Is she getting attention at her mother's house? What else is going on at her mother's house? How old was she when you bf and his ex separated? How long have you been in the picture?

Disciplining her on this issue isn't necessarily going to help if it is an issue of trauma that is causing the behaviour.

[deleted account]

custody wise we get her on weekends and she stays weekdays with her mom but mon to thur we pick her up from school she stays with us till her mom picks when shes off so shes with us7 days week i get it shes only 5 but this isnt normal i mean if he goes to the bathroom she sits outside door n waits he cant get one min to himself shes constenly hounding him he takes it out me cause he thinks i dont help but she refuses to listen to anyone else and just wants him all the time its gotten worst over few months she clings on all time even if we are in our bed she cries n throws hissy fits to be in our bed she spends more time with him then she does with anyone else i know shea 5 shes going through phase but its not like she doesnt see her dad shes over 7 days week n all she wants to do is latch herself to him and if i try breaking that latch i look like the bad guy i just need to know if its healthy i dont want her to have more isdues down the road like emotional trusting others

Dove - posted on 07/05/2015

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Sounds like extreme separation anxiety and possible abandonment issues for sure. It is possible that she just needs time and reassurance... or some family counseling may be beneficial. She is FIVE... be patient w/ her.

MaryAnn - posted on 07/05/2015

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Definitely curious about custody arrangements. And how long you've been there.
about the talking- does it happen at relaxed times, or is it during times that she is worked up. Could he be (likely unconsciously) encouraging her behavior?

Jodi - posted on 07/05/2015

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How often is she with daddy? And where is her mother? This little girl is showing signs that she has a real fear of abandonment or separation. And she may well have good reason.

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