STEP-PARENT

ANGIE - posted on 10/25/2014 ( 9 moms have responded )

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IS IT FAIR FOR MY HUSBAND'S 19 YR OLD SON TO MOVE IN WITH US BECAUSE HIS MOM WANTS TO START A NEW RELATIONSHIP 3 HRS AWAY? SHE HAS 4 OTHER YOUNGER CHILDREN SO IT'S NOT LIKE HE'LL BE ALONE.... ALSO, I FEEL THAT IT'S A MAJOR SETBACK FOR MY HUSBAND AND I, MY 2 CHILDREN 21 AND 20 HAVE MOVED OUT SINCE THEY WERE 18 AND 19. OF COURSE I HELP WHEN I CAN BUT THEY ARE VERY MUCH INDEPENDENT. MY STEPSON WANTS A LIFE THAT IS NOT ATTAINABLE AT THIS POINT IN HIS LIFE WHICH TO ME MEANS...I AM STUCK WITH HIM IN OUR HOME.. I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER AND YES I MADE MY HUSBAND VERY WELL AWARE OF IT... I ASKED FOR A TIME FRAME OF HOW LONG WILL HE BE WITH US....I CAN'T GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER, ALL I GET IS I DON'T KNOW..HELP - ADVICE ANYONE? I AM ON THE BRINK OF MOVING OUT.... :(

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/27/2014

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I would say that you and your husband first need to work out between the two of you what is acceptable or not with the kids.

Then, I would recommend a contract with the 19 YO regarding his responsibilities whilst living in your home, and your responsibilities towards him as the tenant. Include amounts for rent/food/utilities and anything else the 19 YO takes part of/in whilst living in your home.

Michelle - posted on 10/26/2014

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You also need to make it clear that if he moves in that there will an expectation of him paying for himself. Rent, bills and putting in for the weekly food bill. Let him know that he needs to learn to budget his money and there won't be any handouts if he runs out. Your husband has to be on the same page though, make sure he isn't giving his son money without your knowledge.

Jodi - posted on 10/26/2014

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Talk to your husband about drawing up a rental agreement with him. At 19, he should be not only paying board if he has finished his education, but also contributing to the household in other ways (pulling his weight with chores and household duties). Instead of trying to pin down a timeframe, how about you make the agreement for 12 months and it will be up for review then based on how it has been working. Just a suggestion.

What do you mean when you say he wants a life that is not attainable at this point?

Michelle - posted on 10/25/2014

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Wow, my home will always be open to my children, no matter what age they are. Yes you raise them to be able to survive on their own but I would never turn them away if they wanted to move back. I would also never ask for a set time frame. I never moved back once I moved out but my brother often did. It was never a problem.
Just a hint: Don't use all capitals, it looks like you are shouting.

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ANGIE - posted on 10/26/2014

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JODI WHAT AN AWESOME IDEA! I LOVE IT..AND I WILL SUGGEST JUST THAT. YES, HE'S FINISHED SCHOOL.... AND I COULDN'T AGREE MORE ABOUT PULLING HIS WEIGHT.

THE LIFE HE WANTS... HE WANTS A 2013 CAR,MIND YOU HE HAS NO LICENCE NOR CAN DRIVE, WE HAVE TO START SMALL AND WORK OUR WAY UP THE LADDER, HE WANTS A LUXURY APARTMENT BUT NO MEANS TO PAY FOR IT... THINGS OF THE SORT... LIKE I MENTIONED HE WANTS A LIFE THAT IS NOT ATTAINABLE AT THIS TIME...

EVERYTHING MUST BE BRAND NAME, HE REFUSES TO SHOP FOR BARGAINS AT ROSS, SHOE DEPOTS, ECT... WON'T RIDE A BIKE TO GET AROUND BUT EXPECTS US TO LEAVE WORK EARLY, GO OUT LATE TO PICK HIM UP OR LEAVE WHERE WE'RE AT TO TAXI HIM... NO, NO, NO.... I TOTALLY THINK THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE....

ANGIE - posted on 10/26/2014

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MICHELLE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE. BY NO MEANS AM I SAYING MY HOME ISN'T OPEN TO HIM. I WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM ON THE STREET, I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON. ALL I WAS SAYING IS I REFUSE TO BE THESE MOMS THAT HAVE THEIR ADULT KIDS LIVING WITH THEM AND THEY ARE DOING NOTHING TO BE INDEPENDENT AS ADULTS.. HE'S THE TYPICAL PLAY VIDEO GAMES, EAT YOU OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME, SPEND HIS MONEY ON $200 SHOES AND NAME BRAND CLOTHES BUT WILL TURN AROUND AND ASK CAN HE HAVE $40 TO GO HANG OUT WITH HIS BUDDIES OR BY HIMSELF HIS NECESSITIES, THAT I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH AND WILL NOT BE AN ENABLER OF SUCH.. HOWEVER, YOU DID MAKE ME THINK - MAYBE A TIME A FRAME IS A BIT TOUGH TO SWALLOW I WAS THINKING OF IT AS A GUIDELINE BASE BUT IF IT TURNS OUT LONGER THEN SO BE IT BUT I HAVE TO DRAW A LINE OTHERWISE, WE WILL BE SUPPORTING HIM FOR A VERY LONG TIME, WHICH IN ALL HONESTY I DON'T THINK I WANT TO DO.
AS FAR AS THE CAPS PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AS IF I'M YELLING, SHOUTING OR BEING RUDE, I'M AT WORK AND WE HAVE TO KEEP OUR CAPS ON AT ALL TIMES.. SORRY FOR THAT .. :( BUT I DO THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE :)

ANGIE - posted on 10/25/2014

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DOVE WE'VE TRIED TO RATIONALLY TALK ABOUT IT AND I KEEP COMING TO A BRICK WALL.. HE SAYS HE'S NOT GOING TO HAVE A GROWN BOY/MAN LIVE WITH US BUT HE DOES FEEL HE SHOULD HELP HIM OUT... WHICH YES, I DO UNDERSTAND BUT THE QUESTION STILL REMAINS... FOR HOW LONG?? WHAT WOULD YOU CONSIDER A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME?? I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM BUT I REFUSE TO GO BACKWARDS WHEN I PUSHED AND FOUGHT HARD FOR MY 2 TO FLY THE COOP AS WELL ROUNDED, INDEPENDENT ADULTS.. TO NOW DEAL WITH THIS....

Dove - posted on 10/25/2014

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If your husband is OK w/ his son moving in you are either going to have to rationally bring it up with him and find out these answers... or deal w/ it... or move out if it's really that important to you.

At 19, neither of his parents are legally obligated to have him living w/ them... it's a choice either of them are free to make though.

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