Step parent adoption...

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband has raised my son since he was 14 months old, my son is about to be 5.
My sons biological dad has never really been in the picture. Pays child support when he wants to, only wanted to see him when he had time. Now it's been over a year since he last seen my son March of 2013. And he hasn't paid child support since October 2013. I don't hear from him. My son knows my husband as his dad. My husband has been there very day since my son was 14 months old. My husband is very involved with my son. Everything a father is supposed to do. My husband has no kids of his own. Has anybody been through a similar situation? I want to terminate my sons biological fathers right and my husband wants to adopt my son. But I know the biological with fight me for it. Though he still lives at home with his mom, no car, and no job and engaged to a girl that stabbed him a year ago. He has a criminal history. There's no way in hell would I let my son be around him without my supervision. What do you think my chances are of getting his rights taken away? I am going to work on getting a lawyer soon.

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Stephanie - posted on 04/25/2014

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There will be no secrets when he gets old enough to understand. My husband is not playing daddy. He is daddy. My sons bio father was playing daddy. Just because you can make a baby doesn't mean you are a parent. A parent takes care of their child emotionally and financially and is there every day. A parent knows you inside and out and loves you unconditionally and doesn't put a bar or girlfriend or boyfriend in front of your kid. That's what bio dad does. When he is dating somebody we don't hear from him but then when he is single he wants to come around. He knows nothing about my son, he never cared to get involved. I tried making him have a relationship with my son. But I am not going to force it. You can't just come around when you want to because you want to play parent for a couple of hours. My husband knew my son has his real father and respected it in the very beginning but as years went by and bio father wasn't around my husband had already stepped up knowing that my son needed a male/father figure in his life. Somebody to go outside with him and throw a ball around. Somebody to show him how to do all the manly things men do. I see where you are coming from because your nephews whole life was a lie. That's his parents fault. They should have been honest from the get-go. I know I am taking the chance of my son resenting me later on in life and I hope that one day he will understand why I did this. Why would I want my son to go with somebody whom I can not trust? Why would any parent let their kid go with somebody they don't trust even if they were the sperm donor or not? I am looking at the big picture here. Everybody talks about how the child will have some problem with the whole situation. What if my son is glad I did that? What if he understands I was doing what I thought was best? Why would he want somebody that was "supposed" to be his father around? What if my son never wants to get to know his sperm donor because he has my husband as his father all these years? My husband takes care of him. Just saying we can't always assume the worse when there very well could be a great outcome.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/24/2014

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Well, I know it can be confusing so young, but if you make it simple he will understand it better. I am just coming from a different place. I am coming from the 5 year olds shoes also. I have never met my father. BUT, my mom has always made sure who any man around us was. Children, as they grow older, can and will hold resentments when they are not told the truth about such huge matters. Like i said earlier, I have seen first hand how it has effected my nephew also. Everyone in the family has to keep the secret from him. How fair is that? That is a lot of pressure on everyone, when it would have been easier and honest to tell the kid the truth. He is now 18 going on 19 and still does not know the full truth. He has his suspicions though. It will really fuck with him when he finally finds out the man who has been playing daddy, isn't really daddy. Not only that, but he has a brother and sister from his bio dad.

Sarah - posted on 04/24/2014

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I would talk with either an adoption agency in your area or an adoption attorney. Check what the laws are in your state. Some states will automatically terminate if there has been no contact and no financial provided. Some states will require him to certain things if he fights it but if he does not do it then rights are terminated. Sometimes guys talk more then what they do. So even though they say they will fight they don't when it comes down to it.

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2014

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I thought the same thing. It's been nice and quiet without him the last year. Peaceful if you must. Correct me if I am wrong but he is no financial way to hire a lawyer. Now I don't fully know if that matters or not. I am 99.9% sure we would win BUT then again I just don't want a huge thing starting. To tell you the truth I don't want him to have anymore attachments to my son. I know my son will be full of disappointment if he ever gets to know his bio father. It has already been that way since he was born. The moment I gave birth it has been nothing but disappointment. I've taken care and paid for my son on my own until my husband came along. I am just looking for advice and opinions and venting. Thank ya'll for listening and giving advices!

Wendy - posted on 04/24/2014

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old saying comes to mind...let sleeping dogs lay...........your ex as the sleeping dog here, don't open up a can of worms better left alone..as you said he's hardly in your sons life at this point......he could make things very messy for you........you try to take away his rights he may decide to go for full custody, as u said he wouldn't get it but it would be a real court battle and pain in the ass dealing with it........be honest with your son, always.....he will in time understand it all and he will love and respect his step father.......the father of my daughters dropped off the planet 15 years ago, no contact, no support........shame for my girls, they were 9 an 2 at the time ........I met my now husband of 12 years just shortly before he disappeared........he loves and has been dad to my girls for all this time, they have a great relationship, they say he is dad.........I was not about to at any point in time open up a can of worms tracking my ex down for support. or visitation.....forget it, not worth the headache.... all these years later, court papers still have support order and we have joint custody of the kids........lol.....no support and he's never seen them.....but I will bet without a doubt if I had of tried to get full custody he would have showed up and fought me every step of the way.......that's what I mean about leaving it alone.........just my situation and 2 cents worth......your call, your set of circumstances......

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2014

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Court ordered visitations have been in place since my son was 2 months. Supervised visitation. The bio dad never followed through the first step. Child support has been in placed as well through the court. The attorney general down here in Houston does not do anything for missed payments.
My son knows who the bio dad is but he doesn't know that's his real dad. He is at the age where he understands a little bit more now. But my opinion I think it will confuse him more if I try telling him theres another guy that's his real father. I am not going to hide anything from my son once he is old enough to understand we will tell him. And then he will have to find out on his own how his bio is and doesn't want nothing to do with him. The bio dad has made several threats to me and my husband. He has even came over without me knowing he was and got into a fight with my husband. Mind you this was on a Sunday, bio dad was no call no show the day before for his visit. Came over on sunday evening at 6, tried to walk in my house and when my husband stopped him bio swung at my husband. Cops were called.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/24/2014

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So definitely need some questions answered. Do you have a court ordered child visitations in place? Does your child know who is bio father is? Is the child support set up through the court and are you reporting when he misses payments?

My sister went through something very similiar when her son was about 8. The boyfriend turned husband helped raise the baby since he was about 1 year or so. But my sister NEVER let her son know who the real father is and he is now 18 living a lie that the adoptive dad is his real father. It has caused a lot of problems for the kid.

Getting parents rights terminated can be a challenge. It would be best for him to just give up his rights. Just remember, that is when child support of any kind will cease.

I really hope your son understands that your husband is not the bio father,. If that is the case, you may want to ask him if he WANTS your husband to adopt him. If your son makes the decision on his own, I think the courts view it differently.

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