Step Parenting, 20 year old

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

Hello all! I'm in a rough situation and I was kind of hoping for a little advice from other people who have been in my situation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now. But before this we dated for 4 months then he left me for the mother of his child. They had dated first and I knew him from working with him so we hung out. When they broke up I slid into the picture and we dated as I said for 4 months. Then the mother of his child stepped back into the picture and he broke up with me for her. Let me mention at this time their is no child involved. As him and his ex were together she like a status I posted to him on facebook which said "ignore me then." I posted it when him and I were dating and she did it to be petty. Just trying to point out how she likes to cause drama. Eventually they broke up for reasons from the relationship before and then some. He started texting me randomly one day and told me they broke up. I got really excited like maybe I have another shot! At this point I decided to look at his facebook from my cousins since his ex blocked mine from him. One of his status's said he's going to be a dad. At that point my heart sunk! However, talking to him more and more he said his ex cheated on him and that's why they aren't together anymore and that there is a small window of opportunity that the baby isn't his. At first she wasn't showing so I figured she was lying about the pregnancy. Then she started to show and I held on to the little faith I had that the child wasn't his. Finally him and I became exclusive and the mother of his child did not like that. Even tho she was currently living with the man she cheated on him with she didn't want him with anyone else. So she became even more petty. Making up lies about me to him, harassing me on social sites saying that I'm just second choice, that I, and I quote "should kiss her asshole lips because she have me my second chance with him. Because at the end of the day if she wanted to she could still have him and I wouldn't even be able to hold a conversation with him!" She left him out of the entire pregnancy only showed him one ultra sound picture. Only Talked to him when he was giving her cash to buy food for her new boyfriend. Finally she had the baby and her current boyfriend told my boyfriend to come to the hospital and see the baby. She didn't like it to much but she allowed it. After that she kept my boyfriend out of their child's life for 6 months. She constantly blamed it on me. She said that I don't kiss her butt enough that I should call her and tell her ill do anything to be in her child's life and so can the father. Me being stubborn I wouldn't do it. I would not let her talk to me like that!! So finally my boyfriend decided he was taking her to court. After multiple threats she made on my life and one on his and calling me every name in the book and finally went silent for awhile. Only because she knew we were taking her to court. Finally the day came to go to Finalize the court papers and she texted my boyfriend saying if we have her the spare car then she would sign over 50/50 custody. So we did and now we have joint custody. She has recently stopped being as evil as she was but she still has her moments. Every once in awhile she still throws it in my face I'm second choice. I'll never be mom, so I should stop trying. However, I changed my work schedule around to watch my step son. I buy his clothes I buy his lotion his wipes his food. She signed over temporary custody and I stepped up. She has said in the past few months she's taking us to court for full custody because and I quote "I love her son too much, I shouldn't love him like a mother."
I'm not doing to say she's the only one in the past. I have sunk down to her level multiple times. I'm not happy about it either. I recently messaged her and told her I won't be getting upset when she says stuff to me or about me. That she won't be getting her satisfaction anymore. I'm done with the pettiness. Honestly I am... But idk how to go on with life. I still have so much anger built up inside me. I take it out on my boyfriend. We were engaged to be married august 2014 but I called it off because of all this drama. I find myself reading old messages between them and it hurts me how much he loved her. He left me and tried to start a family with her. He came back into my life when I was moving on. I blame him for my unhappiness. We constantly fight everyday I'm ready to leave because how angry I am. Recently I detached myself from my step son. Even though I love him so much. I don't know anyone personally in my situation so I would love advice!! Please and thank you!

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[deleted account]

Thanks so much! You've been a great help! I really need someone on the outside who's been through this! Once again thank you!!

LalaBoom - posted on 11/25/2013

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It will not be easy.

Some days it will feel like he IS picking her over you- just make sure that its always about the child. Do not allow this woman to make a fool out of you, but don't let her to play games with your head either.

Enjoy your time with your stepson, but definitely disengage- for the sake your own sanity!

Another AWESOME book:

Even if they weren't married, you'll see how good this applies:

"Divorce POison".... I forgot the author's name... TRUST ME, lifesaver.

[deleted account]

Thanks so much for the advice! I'll be ordering the book tonight off amazon! My boyfriend can be kind of a pushover and in there relationship and it still continues. He stands up to me more than her. She can be as nasty as she wants but as soon as she tells him he has to do something he will. I try to tell him he's doing it. He Denies it and suddenly I'm the bad guy. I'm trying to cause a fight just because I'm tired of his bowing down to her constantly. I just feel like I'm already sharing him so he doesn't need to continue pleasing her over me. Plus when he does it she takes it over board and throws it in my face. In these 2 years we've been through so much so I don't want to just walk away now.

LalaBoom - posted on 11/25/2013

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I suggest reading Dr. Martins, "StepMonster."

This book will save your stepmom life! You are so young and dealing with too many responsibilities. You also sound naive and quite in danger of being a doormat constantly maniputaled by your man's ex.

Also, make sure your man protects you from her. A real man handles his responsibilities and safeguards you from the toxic relationship the two of them had.

Wish you the best hun!
Cheers,
Fellow stepmom

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