Step parenting

Alison - posted on 09/07/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am remarried with 4 children and 2 step children . 3 of my children live with us and have no respect for my marriage or us and have been verbally abusive to my husband. He has left out home and wants nothing more to do with them and now wants me to chose between him and my children . I don't want to have to chose . Would like some advice pls

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Jodi - posted on 09/07/2014

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Although your children do need to come first, I think you need to have a really good look at who is responsible for their disrespectful behaviour. You say you have struggled with the children over the years, I question who is raising these children to be respectful adults? Because it isn't you. Sorry, but they are undisciplined, disrespectful brats if they can treat your husband like this for so long, and YOU have to own some of that.

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Leela - posted on 09/07/2014

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Normally I would say choose your kids but they sound like a manipulative group. The others have said it - the kids need ground rules, counseling etc. What I would suggest is that you include your husband in the counseling sessions. Make it clear that you love them all and expect better from them. Also make it clear that you are not choosing anyone. It is up to each of them to stick around and work at a compromise. Frankly if I were your husband I would have left as well and I hope you understand that if the shoe were on the other foot you would be upset as well.

Michelle - posted on 09/07/2014

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I would definitely get some counseling for yourself and your children. They need to understand what hurt their actions are causing.
I am onto my 2nd marriage and there is no way I would tolerate my children treating my husband like that. Of course they want their parents back together but you have to let them know it won't happen, no matter how much they try and get rid of your husband.

Kristen - posted on 09/07/2014

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people have already said it but I will say it again... You need to lay down the law with your children! My husband has two kids from his previous marriage. One is 15 and the other is 13 year old boys... When I first came into their lives they were a little disrespectful towards me and I was very proud of my husband for keeping them in line. You have to have a conversation with your children and regards to why you and your ex husband got the divorce in the first place. It's not like they're a little kids you should not hide the truth from them when it comes to why you and their father split up. You have to understand that if they feel that they are adult enough to treat another adult with disrespect, then they are adult enough to hear the truth and also have their mother stand up to them and lay down the law! if your kids are claiming their being the way they are towards him because they feel that it was him that made you leave their father... Then obviously they don't know the real reason and you have not corrected it. as for your current husband... He has the right to be pissed off but on the other hand he needs to man up and also lay down some laws with you when it comes to the kids. By him just hiding that's just showing the kids that they have one and good luck trying to turn that perception around.

Alison - posted on 09/07/2014

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Thank you for your response . I think your right on all counts and whether this works or not I have to try all I can not only for now but also for my future. Whatever path that leads too

SpectrumMom - posted on 09/07/2014

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I think your husband has had all he can take for now and it's easy to understand why. Perhaps if you and your children start family therapy without him and make some much needed changes in everyone's behavior (including yours) he will begin to see that you are willing to work and things and want to participate. If he chooses not to, then you can't force him and I'm sorry but an inability or unwillingness on his part at that point would likely mean that the marriage is over. Marriage is a partnership and everyone living together takes work from everyone. If you just end things with him now, without trying family therapy at least for you and your kids you will likely end up resenting your kids. As a mom who loves her children I don't think you are seriously thinking of choosing your marriage over them - so just put that out of your head. Choose to work on your relationship with your children and hope he can come around and want to stick around and work on it too.

Alison - posted on 09/07/2014

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No I have suggested it to him but he doesn't want to go and wants nothing more to do with them. Hence the I have to chose !! How do I make that choice . I can't but don't want to lose my marriage either

Alison - posted on 09/07/2014

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Hi Jodi I know I do and that is what he has said to me .. I over compensated for the breakup of our marriage and the loss of their grandad at the same time . I am now stuck in a hole that I can't get out off and don't know what to do

Alison - posted on 09/07/2014

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Hi Michelle thank you for your comment . Over the years there has been struggles with my children . I left their dad and met this man and they blame him for the breakup of my marriage .my youngest who is 14 has sworn and shouted at him and this has caused him to leave several times but we have always got back together. He left 10 weeks ago after being told to get out of my daughters house with lots of explicit words . I love my husband and my children but don't like them for putting me in an impossible situation where I feel that whatever I do I will lose . My children just say forget him and move on !! I don't want too but he hates them and won't live with them

Michelle - posted on 09/07/2014

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Your children should always come first but they should also understand that you are allowed to be happy. What is their reason for treating him like they do?
You also need to lay down the law and be a parent, not let the children rule the house. Without knowing the whole situation it's hard to give you advice.

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