Step-parenting no fun anymore!

Stefanie - posted on 04/12/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

4

0

1

Hi everyone, from Syd Australia. Joined the the moral support I'm lacking as a stepmum. I have a 2.5 year old daughter and a 5 year old stepson who lives with his mum, and stays with us overnight once a weekend.

His mum is not fond of me, has been openly hostile to me and has no interest in accepting me or working together for her son's benefit. In all honesty, I'm not enjoying the stepmum gig anymore.. It's hard and unrewarding. I love my stepson as if he was my own and give him everything I give my daughter - love, affection, rules, spend money and time etc.

But it seems that as he's getting older (turning 6 soon) he must be over hearing things at home, because he will often tell me of his own accord that his mum doesnt like me. I have no idea what to respond when he tells me that, I just say 'I don't mind, I'll still be kind to her', even though I want to rip her hair out for being such a stupid immature woman. By the way, I'm 26 and shes mid 30's so it should be her leading by example here not the other way around.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Feeling down in the dumps about it all.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

3,533

36

3906

Basically, you guys don't have to like each other to have a civil and respectful relationship. Your husband needs to have a talk to his ex about the things the boy is saying and discuss with her the inappropriateness of him overhearing these things. He can let her know it's okay if she doesn't like you, but that you are the partner he has chosen to be with and it is important that their son can be respectful of that too, and continuing to hear these negatives is only going to hurt him in the long run.

Keep in mind, this is a conversation your husband needs to have with her, not you. You really shouldn't need to have anything to do with her.

I will agree with you that step-parenting is hard work - I've been doing it for over 12 years. All I can say is to maintain a lot of patience, love the children, love your partner, and keep out of any discord as best you can.

5 Comments

View replies by

Raye - posted on 04/13/2016

3,761

0

21

It's sad that the boy is caught in the middle, and more sad that the father won't step up to try to remedy the situation. All you can do is keep showing the boy love. If he talks about things the mother says, you might want to have a few ready responses to say to him. I wouldn't say that you don't mind that she doesn't like you. He might get the wrong impression that his mom shouldn't like you and that's ok. I would say something like "she really doesn't know me very well, but I hope you like me because I like you very much."

I've only been a step-mom for a few years, but have had more baby-mama-drama than I care for. It is hard when the mother doesn't have her act together and makes things harder on everyone. It doesn't only hurt you, it hurts the kid(s) too. As long as you remain the bigger person, the child will learn who's really the toxic person. He may still remain loyal to his mom, but he will learn from you and hopefully be a better person because of your influence. The reward for your work will come.

Stefanie - posted on 04/13/2016

4

0

1

That's right Jodi. He does know, and he loves his son very much. But he's just not bothered for all the fuss of mediation and bringing up the past and having to talk and the whole process. So this is where we are at really :(. I know I should leave it in their hands, but its frustrating to know so much could be done to prevent heartache in the future but nobody seems bothered! Thanks for the chat Jodi.

Jodi - posted on 04/13/2016

3,533

36

3906

Well, that makes it very difficult if you and your husband can't be on the same page about what has to happen. It is time for your husband to grow up as well. Have you talked to him about how this all makes you feel?

Stefanie - posted on 04/12/2016

4

0

1

Jodi, should have mentioned my husband really leaves everything to the wind. Doesn't rein his son in, and doesn't make the sort of fuss with the ex as he should so that she gets the picture. She's running the show and is openly rude to my husband as well. She's not playing fair. I agree with you, its not about her and I being pals, but just being civil so things arent so uncomfortable. I also agree that he needs to be the one to say it all - but he doesn't, he feels like it'll all go away magically. We can't even go to my stepsons school stuff or same parish if we had to, because of her attitude. I try to keep out of everything and have no communication with her, but I really feel like I'm the only one who gives a damn where this situation is headed. Two adults (my husband and her) who refuse to go to mediation and sort their past out, an innocent child in the middle and me - with no power to help at all!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms