Step Parenting - Step Daughter and Bio-Mom hate me

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

I have a 13 year old step daughter that HATES me. Primarily because her mother hates me and doesn't give her daughter permission to like me. I'm kind, generous, thoughtful and a good mother. (I have a bio kid of my own). I did not break up the marriage, and I've never stooped to the level of bio-mom. I talk positively of others and let my husband discipline his daughter. My husband gets daily texts from bio-mom about how "mean" I am and how their daughter can't stand to be in our home because of me. (Though no examples of "mean" are ever given). This has been going on for over a year and is escalating. My husband and I have talked to a counselor and she says we're doing all the right things. Bio-mom continues to be unsupportive and blames me for everything. Stepdaughter now spends half her day making presents for bio-mom, cards, etc. It's always how much she loves mommy and I miss you, and on and on and on. My husband put a limit on texting Bio-mom because it was incessant.

I am so tired of putting in 150% and gettting nothing but a child that ignores me and a bio-mom that constantly bashes me. If my husband was not so amazing, I would have bailed already. Any advice? I'm close to broken.


Rebecca - posted on 03/27/2013




Welcome to my world! I have been going through the same thing for over two years now. My partners ex has been against me right from the start and just as i think things maybe getting better she flips out again and the constant text messages to my partner about me and how his girls hate me haven't stopped the whole time i have even had a confrontation with her in my driveway and the abuse i coped that day wasn't even worth the effort of trying to talk to her. So now i just put it down to that she is so insecure about herself and her role with her children that she is desperate and would do anything to paint me in a bad light. She is the one who left the relationship too so its a case of she doesn't want him but no one else can have him. She is just game playing and i suggest that you somehow just try and ignore it and emotionally detach yourself from her behavior because lets face it you can only control you and what you do. Good luck :-)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/08/2012




You all need to sit down and work out house rules.

It really doesn't matter if bio mom hates you, she's going to hate anyone in your position. And it really doesn't matter if your step daughter spends half of her time at your house making things for her mom, does it? Really? In the grand scheme of things? And the same with her texting her mom. My kids text me CONSTANTLY. They are always letting me know what's going on, or how they're doing, or asking how I'm doing. It's a kid thing. Is it REALLY hurting you that much, or is it hurting your feelings?

If she's doing "other" things that get in the way of real obligations (homework, chores) then a time limit can be established, or a timeline of "Homework and chores first, then fun stuff".

If she's texting to the detriment of real obligations (again, homework/chores), or if she's texting after hours, the same house rules as apply for your own child can be applied here.

BUT!!! Your husband needs to be the one to present these changes. HE needs to step up to his ex, and explain that, while his daughter is at your (collective) house, she will live with your rules in that house. He needs to make it about HIM enforcing these rules.

Remember, she's 13. She has had an idea that her parents are going to magically work through whatever caused the divorce, and any other woman is going to be on her shit list. She also lives with her mom, who is going to (whether it's right or not) use her to vent on, about how horrible it is that daddy has found another woman, etc...

Now, don't take this wrong, but you say that you had nothing to do with their breakup...was it completely finalized prior to you entering a relationship with him? Because if it wasn't then she'll see you as "the other woman", even if the court proceedings were already begun when you met him, and that will make it more challenging for both of you.

Ariana - posted on 10/10/2012




Has your daughter seen the councellor as well? It's great if you and your husband talked to one, but your daughter should talk to this councellor (or her own) to work out what issues SHE'S having.

Your daughter may never like you. That's life. She just needs to respect you, and you her. You can't change bio-mom.

Start doing something with your step-daughter. A book club or some sort of lessons. Pottery lessons or something (whatever she might be interested in). Something where you're doing something with her that isn't terrible. Don't try to get all 'connected' because that's not going to happen, just enough that maybe she'll go, welll maybe she's just lame instead of horribly mean.

Your daughter does not need to like you, or you her. You aren't her family, you're the person who happened to marry her dad. She needs to treat you with respect and not make up lies about you.

You could confront her (nicely) and ask how she feels you are being mean to her. Maybe she has valid reasons (or at least valid to her) that you don't know about. Maybe she's jealous of you and her step-sibling taking attention from her Dad. There are issues going on.

I would have all of you go to a family councellor. She needs to be able to work out her emotions in a safe environment.

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