Step parents!

Jade - posted on 11/17/2013 ( 22 moms have responded )

9

0

0

I'm only eleven weeks away from giving birth too my second baby, me and his father were just causal from the the start, and when we fount out I was pregnant, him and his ex decided if I did not get rid of my baby they would end for good, he tried his best too get me abort but obviously I did not. We worked things out and were happy for a short time. Now we have split and I'm taking it hard, but I know he will be a very good father and never let his son down. I do want give him his last name as my daughter from another father has my name, so I know almost the ins and outs from rights with father as it was very messy with my daughters father. How ever, the father is back with his ex now and I am not comfortable with my son been around her when he is born as he was the reason they ended and he will be a burden on them. If I gave my son his fathers last name, does that mean there is no way for me too stop this girl been around my son?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

LalaBoom - posted on 11/21/2013

248

0

41

Patricia-

"Make him pay no matter what".... Seriously? That has BABYMAMA DRAMA written all over it. Like you said, "keep your head up..."

No need to fuel the vendetta that's cooking against father and his woman- who btw has no fault in this. If she takes your advice of "make him pay," the only thing she'll do is develop a "situation" into a hostile co-parenting relationship, and for what? so that she can rationalize her actions and excuse the harm done to the child?

People surprise me. The concept of "best interest of the child" is not simply for the courts, its a guide for parenting. How is her making him pay going to positively impact her child's well-being or even HER well-being when she's too focused on settling score than making a fabulous life for herself and her chilld?

Jade, your best bet is to get the ball rolling once your baby is born. Actually, do not be shocked if once the baby is here he hits you with a DNA test. Take this with a grain of salt- its just the sequence of events. File for cusotdy/visitation and child support, then step aside when it comes to the father-child relationship (unless he puts your child at risk). Focus on yourself and, like mentioned earlier, establishing a fabulous life for yourself and child.

Cheers!

LalaBoom - posted on 11/20/2013

248

0

41

Megan, even **I** who posted the "meanest" response have to call you out on your BS.

You said, "everyone no disrespect but..." Which means you included everyone in your accussation of us being "rude" and "attacking" the OP.

So here's my response to you:
I don't see anyone attacking her, but rather offering sensible FACTUAL responses to the entire post. I'm a logical individual, and a straight-shooter. You ask me, I respond directly- no nonsense and no insults. If that makes my response mean, then so be it. A spade is a spade, so don't give me bs and call it caviar. Same principle here, the OP made choices (for better or worse), those choices are bringing her to the aftermath. She wanted information regarding the aftermath and she received it.

You seem naive about the courts, and rely heavily on emotions. That is not for me to judge. However, try that with a custody/visitation judge and s/he'll be quick to remind you of "facts" and NOT in as nice of a way as the commenters have done here.

Good day!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/19/2013

13,207

21

2014

Who's been 'mean', Megan?

Everyone who's posted has been in a situation similar, or exactly like the one described in the OP.

The OP seems to think that she can dictate terms to the judges, when, in fact, it will be the courts dictating terms to her. Should she choose to violate those terms, she'll be in contempt, and could lose her child...

Wouldn't you rather know up front all of the possibilities, rather than having a bunch of arm chair lawyers give you feel good anecdotes about how it's all going to be rosy and everything is going to turn out just like she wants it to?

Personally, I'd rather tell, and hear truth. Not feel good answers just because I want to bury my head in the sand...

Ev - posted on 11/17/2013

7,224

7

909

Jade-once custody and visitation is set, you do not get a choice on the matter. When he has those visits, he only has to abide by the rules that he gets his time and has to have the kid back to you by a certain day and time. IF he has a lot of other girlfriends off and on while the kids grow up and introduces them to the kids he has, there is nothing anyone can do unless you have PROOF these women are going to harm your child.

LalaBoom - posted on 11/17/2013

248

0

41

I'm giving it to you straight and this is solely based on your post:

Sounds like you were the "other woman" in this equation. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. I see one scenario: Although you were him started casual from the beginning, you assumed he would ultimately leave her for good because you're carrying his son. And that whatever conditions she put on him, he'd dismiss because your son is more important.

Obviously you can see it hasn't worked out in a way you liked and now you are attempting to have him be a dad on YOUR TERMS, including that his woman not be around.

You say you've "been through a messy custody before" and therefore "know the ins/outs." Clearly you do not because you'd know you can't keep her from being around during visits and you'd know that even if he isn't on the birth certificate, he's got other means to establish paternity and build a relationship with his son.

Right now you are maintaining a "victim" stance from a situation YOU created. Asking for someone to get an abortion isn't the en of the world (switch places with her and consider your reaction). Check your ego at the door. You got played and now you want to call the shots. Unless this woman **really** does something to put your son at risk, you have nothing on her and the courts will do nothing. If anything, all your attempts will backfire.

Hope that helps!! Congrats on the upcoming baby :) enjoy your pregnancy!!

22 Comments

View replies by

Patricia A - posted on 11/20/2013

1

0

0

Jade:
This happened to my daughter, her husbands got another woman pregnant and she didn't even have a child by him. This was 3 years ago. They separated for about 6 months. They went back together and now she has a 4 month old. He is paying child support and my daughter has accepted this situation. The little boy do spend time with them and it seems that the young lady has moved on with her life. It depends on the wife if she will cause drama with the situation. Make him pay no matter what and yes give your baby his last name after all it is his child. Keep your head up we all make mistakes. This child may be a blessing to you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/20/2013

13,207

21

2014

LOL...Megan, When answering a question, I tend to let the person know I'm addressing their post.

Don't assign more importance to it than that, my dear ;-)

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2013

3,518

36

3906

LOL, I didn't take it personally. I simply made the point that no-one was attacking her. If she feels that way, then that is on her. She owns those feelings because there WAS no attack. She just didn't like the answers. That doesn't make them any less truthful. She doesn't need you to come on this board for her and start accusing people of attacking her. No, you didn't name anyone specific, you used the term "everyone". So you pretty much told "everyone" that their opinions and advice about the OPs situation was wrong. So, I'm sorry, who was doing the attacking again? Why does only your opinion matter?

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2013

3,518

36

3906

Megan, no-one is attacking her at all. They are just telling her the truth, that she cannot LEGALLY withhold visitation from the father, and that by doing so, she is depriving her child of a relationship with his father. Unfortunately, sometimes, the truth hurts.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/19/2013

13,207

21

2014

Ditto Jodi's post.

You cannot dictate who your ex has in his life, and you cannot deny him visitation/custody of his child based on that. If it is a proven danger, you may request supervision, but if it's just because it's another woman...no.

Jodi - posted on 11/17/2013

3,518

36

3906

I agree with the other ladies. You don't get to dictate who he has around his child during his visitation unless there is evidence that it will harm your child in some way. What if he marries her? You don't have the right to decide whether he can see his child or not, and to be perfectly honest, you are depriving your CHILD of the right to get to know his father on the basis that his father decided to go back to his ex (the one you took him away from).

Jade - posted on 11/17/2013

9

0

0

I suppose that is true, but I am not going agree as easy as that and not give in

Ev - posted on 11/17/2013

7,224

7

909

And you do have those rights to say something, but in the end he is going to do what he is going to do. And I have been in the situation but with older kids. Mine ended up having step moms who did not want them around but because of our custody agreement at the time, she had no choice in the said matter and neither did I. I had to deal with it. We had been married and divorced. He had gotten primary care in the custody arrangement for reasons I could not help and because he would have the resources to fight time and again. I also let them go because it was the only way to keep them stable in their own minds on things. I was not using them as pawns either. The point is even though we as the mothers don't want those women around our kids who do not want them around, we do not have that say so.

Jade - posted on 11/17/2013

9

0

0

Thank you, it is very sad but she has me and that's all she needs, deserves more but all her needs are ticked off. I'm not saying he don't have rights, but is it not understandable why I'm saying what I'm saying keeping his love life seoerate, would you want your kids around a girl that wanted them gone so she could be happy with the father? Who would. No woman should ever wish any woman too abort for selfish satisfying reasons it's disgusting. Therefore she has no right too be around my son, if he wants make this difficult for himself he can, because he knows how serious I am when it comes too my kids. I'm not saying he can't be with her I have no right, but I do have a right too tell him keep her away

Ev - posted on 11/17/2013

7,224

7

909

I am sorry to hear that for your little girl and that it could end up this way for the boy. But its a sad part of life. But he does have rights to the child not matter what you say or do. It takes a court to make those rights of his disappear.

Jade - posted on 11/17/2013

9

0

0

I have been through all of this before with my daughter and her father, hers is now in prison for six years. All I want for both of my kids is the best and for them too have their dads, my daughter will not have that now, and by the sound of my sons father neither will he. I have not said he can't not see his son he is welcome at mine when ever he wants too see him, but I am not having someone who desperately wanted my son aborted playing mother too him, it is not right in any kind of way. He does not deserve have rights too his son, I asked if he could promise keep his love life out of his kids, it is not hard I have with my daughter until I know it's serious and stable, he said he would not see him. He made his bed, I'm sure you know the rest

Ev - posted on 11/17/2013

7,224

7

909

He is the father regardless and should be on the birth certificate. It is hard enough for you with a baby and all. Why make things worse by leaving him off in the chance he comes back for his right to see his child? You need to get it into court and set up custody, visitation and support for this child. If he comes or not to see this kid is not your problem but his. You have to do what is best for baby.

Jade - posted on 11/17/2013

9

0

0

We have spoken about it today, and I've said I need too know I can trust him on this because I can't have someone around my son that wanted him aborted desperately. Who would? And he even told me that he would not see him then because he can not be around her. Do you think he even deserves be on birth certificate. Because I don't

Ev - posted on 11/17/2013

7,224

7

909

Jade-Momoftwo is right on that. Unless you can prove that this woman is a threat or trouble for your child in any fashion or form, you can not tell his father she can not be there. You need to get visitation and child support and custody established now. Once it is established then you all are protected by that court order and have to abide it for the well being of that child.

Jade - posted on 11/17/2013

9

0

0

Really? Well that's a bit shite then I don't know what too do. I just don't like the thought of my son been the problem with them two and her been around him when she wanted his father too force me into an abortion, not very nice really

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/17/2013

441

0

116

It doesn't matter the last name even when it comes to custody. No matter how much it may suck to you or how hard it is on you, the courts wouldn't even do anything when it comes to her being there while he has visitation with your son. I mean, only if she was abusive or a huge threat maybe but I don't think she is in this case. And you would have to have proof.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms