Step Son a complete out of control bully

Brooke - posted on 04/13/2017 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My SO and I have been together for almost 3 years but have only lived together for 10 months. We have a blended family of 7. 5 girls, 2 boys. The older kids (all teenagers) do well together and are best friends for the most part with the exception of teenage drama.

The four younger ones, two are from my side and two from his. His two younger ones we have split custody and we are week on week off with them. My two are here all the time and spend weekends only with the other parent.

Our sons are the two youngest both 5. His other is 6 and she's in school.

Now his daughter was and is a real spoiled brat however her behavior has comes leaps and bounds in the last several months. We don't have the absolute fits anymore with her. The whining has stopped and the poor little me daddy's little baby act has stopped. She has her moments still but she gets it. We don't allow the whining poor little baby act here.

My kids have never been that way I've just never allowed it. Its one thing to be a normal kid and throw a fit here and there it's another to throw fits about everything.

My SO fed the behavior until I finally said either there will be structure with all of the kids so they learn that there are boundaries or I'm out. We were arguing over kids being in our bed, waking us up in the middle of the night, they would wake up screaming for their dad and he'd go running, then telling their dad he couldn't hold my hand, crawling in between us just so we couldn't sit next to each other, on and on it was a nightmare. I put my foot down and cracked down on everyone. There is no reason a then 4 and 6 year old should be controlling this entire house. I just wasn't going to do it. And since then most of those issues have stopped and they both understand it's not happening in this house.

The biggest issue now is his 5 year old boy. He doesn't listen ever to anyone, he hits the other kids constantly, he focuses on bullying my son, he annoys others on purpose, he's intentionally ignores any authority, and he's constantly clinging to my SO.

Again my SO was very coddling of these behaviors until I finally got through to him recently. We have both taken a united front. And his son hates it. He has realized running to daddy isn't going to work anymore. We have tried everything with this kid. Time outs for bad behaviors, sitting in his room, chore charts, behavior charts, talking, yelling(yes I know), spanking ( this is rare), everything. We are lost.

We do know that his son does not get any structure at the mothers house. She ignores him specifically and he basically does whatever he wants there. She focuses on the daughter and she's a little princess over there and can do no wrong. We believe some of this behavior is coming from there.

I also believe that he thinks that he shouldn't have to share his dad. And we have sat him down and said hey this is what we do. My son shares his mom and you share your dad. We have to share.

I know I'm at my wits end and mostly because I am a stay at home mom because my SO doesn't want me to work and I'm ok with that. But I spend all day everyday dealing with this. It's getting to the point I'm happy when fridays come and the kids leave and I dread the following Friday. I hate that and it breaks my heart because I do love them. But liking them is hard to do sometimes.

Any advice and sorry n advance for the long post.

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Dove - posted on 04/13/2017

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Getting him a little extra one on one time w/ dad and some family counseling might also help in addition to what the other two ladies have said.

Ev - posted on 04/13/2017

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I have to agree with Michelle on this too. You have done wonders working with the kids, do not get me wrong here when I say I agree with her. He does not understand the changes the way the older kids might and the way the adults do. He has had no choices in any of this. This may be his way to get attention because that may be how he does it at mom's and maybe he is scared he will loose dad's attention and love. Kids his age do not fully grasp the situations with adults. It is only 10 months that you blended the family. It may take some kids longer than others to adjust. Still stick with the rules and consequences but follow with lots of love. Offer lots of encouragement when he does the right things as that reenforces what you want. I know this from experience with two grown adults kids whose dad had primary care and did not really do right by them from the get go with a new step family 2 different times.

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2017

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It will take a lot of adjustment for his kids.
I did shared care and when my boys were younger it was hard for them as I had rules and their Father didn't. It would take a few days for them to remember what my rules were and it was a battle for the weekend.
This poor child has had his world turned upside down and he is having to adjust to a lot. It will take time but keep being consistent. As long as you and Dad are on the same page it will get better.

Brooke - posted on 04/13/2017

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Actually I have. In the beginning I was overly accommodating in an attempt to ease all of the kids (not just his since mine are not used to a blended family either) into a blended family where not only have rules essentially changed but everything has.

Over time (several months) I have gradually gotten more stern in the whining and fits along with other bad behaviors.

They had zero structure before now and I mean ZERO. My SO gave up because their mom refused to also have structure which he fully admits he shouldn't have.

They were allowed to stay up til whenever and wherever they dropped for the night is where they stayed until they got up in the middle of the night and crawled in bed with their mom. They were allowed to eat whatever they wanted when ever they wanted and were never forced to sit down and eat a meal until I came into the picture.

They were allowed to throw complete kicking screaming crying tantrums about everything and I mean everything.

I am not kidding when I tell you I wouldn't stop in the middle of the road for them to see horses in a field and there was nowhere to pull over and that resulted in a three hour screaming and crying fit.

It took one time for me to tell his daughter that she wasn't going to the store with her dad because she was throwing a fit about (I don't even remember) something insignificant and I followed through. I made my SO take the other kids and go to the store like he told them and she stayed home. She threw herself down the small stack of stairs kicking and screaming and I mean just the most awful behavior I have ever seen in a kid. I firmly picked her back up marched her to her room and told her she was not to open that door and come out until she was done. She tested that about four times and she was turned right around.

She never threw a fit like that again.

It is like a light switch too. When their dad is at work she is extremely good for me he gets home and whining we go. Now I remind her and she does good. Whining doesn't get us what we want.

Now his son... different story. He's out of control all the time. The difference is when dad gets home it's daddy daddy daddy hug hug hug. All the while grinning at me because he believes he's getting his way. Even my SO has told him that's not ok.

I am a very blunt person. This boy is a bully. Period. I love him but he has some issues. And some of that may derive from a blended family but I believe it goes far beyond that.

Also the more time that passes the worse it gets. In a blended family typically behaviors are very hard in the beginning and get better as time goes on and things become more normal for the kids.

Ev - posted on 04/13/2017

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Have you contributed the idea that it is hard for this one child to take all the newness of a blended family in? He might be upset that this has happened.

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