Step son abused my 4 yr old

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Angela - posted on 10/12/2013

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Where I come from (I'm British), an individual was found with child porn on his computer. Indecent images of girls - estimated to be aged 12, 13 & 14. Some images were very explicit - but all the children in the pictures were girls of 12, 13 & 14 and there were thousands on the computer. In the UK this is a serious offence - people get jail and several years registration on the UK Sex Offenders List.

The "offender" was a 14 year old boy. The girls in the pictures were of the age he might reasonably be attracted to as a burgeoning young adolescent boy - not that it ever makes it right for anyone of any age to download child porn. He was dealt with by the Law far more leniently than an adult would have been. I'm not an expert of course, but I feel this was probably right in respect of his age and the ages of the girls in the photos.

Another case I remember detailed the actions of a mother who discovered her 12 year old son had been abusing his 8 year old sister and 5 year old brother. She found this out when she found movies on his mobile phone - he'd captured it on video. He'd used various threats to silence his siblings - including the videos on his phone. The mother was frantic. She was divorced and phoned her ex-husband, the children's father (with whom she had good communication and a reasonable relationship after they'd parted). She phoned her ex-husband FIRST. He begged her not to take it any further, not to involve the authorities. He was equally horrified at what their eldest child had done but didn't want the sex offender stigma on his son. He was desperate to protect him from this.

The mother involved the Police and child protection authorities anyway. The boy was sentenced to a young offenders' institution for a year or two. Then he was released to his father's custody. His mother has broken ALL ties with her son. The other children, who always had a great relationship with their father never see him now because their mother doesn't want those kids going anywhere near their brother who lives with Dad.

I feel very sorry for both the mother and the father in this case - as well as the children. This was her OWN child that she had to cut off.

The general view is that child sex offenders don't alter, their "tastes" remain with them for life and no child is safe from such a person until he/she is grown up. But this is usually a view that is held in regard to ADULT child sex offenders. When the perpetrator is still a child him/herself, the picture is far less clear.

I know if it were your husband that had carried out this vile abuse of your little one, you'd have just moved out and cut all ties.

If it had been any member of the public who abused your child - any person of ANY age - you husband would be united with you in his feelings.

We do not know the LEVEL of the abuse your child suffered at the hands of his/her half-brother. Older children can bully younger kids because their size and strength makes it possible. Children of all ages play "doctors & nurses" and "you show me yours and I'll show you mine". But of course it can go further, much further. Was physical brutality involved? I am not asking these questions for you to publish answers on this CoM webpage, I'm suggesting you ask yourself these questions and perhaps have some counselling to come to the right decision. The child who abused his younger half-sibling must also be counselled, also your husband and the child victim of the abuse.

You say that your stepson is not even sorry for what he has done. I personally think he probably IS sorry, but he's not SHOWING that he's sorry. This is my take on the situation (for what it's worth - and I could be completely wrong). He got found out, he's done something that's not only wicked and bad, but also very shameful. He's had some time to consider his actions and the consequences and doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it any further because he's deeply embarrassed and ashamed. So when the topic is brought up he may fix a neutral expression on his face, he may assume nonchalance, he may even smile. Not because he thinks he's clever or the situation is amusing or unimportant but because he doesn't want to be made to feel even more ashamed of himself. He doesn't want reminding of it and he doesn't want his own nose continually rubbed in his own wrongdoing. Acting "cool" as though nothing has happened is his way of coping and surviving the devastating realization that he has joined the ranks of the Earth's most reviled of creatures - a person that sexually abuses children.

People of all ages whose crimes, sins and misdemeanours may be far milder than his do exactly the same thing - this is how they move on from unpleasant experiences, mistakes and bad choices. Personal pride and self-esteem is ALWAYS involved.

Realistically, no CHILD is ever going to fling themselves on the mercy of their step-parent & half-sibling (or even their blood parent) saying "I did wrong, in fact I did VERY wrong - please forgive me ...." In fact very few ADULTS would even do this. People just don't like to humble themselves.

I agree 100% that your children must be kept safe and not given any kind of message that invalidates their pain and suffering. But PLEASE get some expert guidance and counselling for ALL of you before you write off the family unit.

Please don't think I'm defending the perpetrator in all of this. I'm not - but I wanted to give some insight to this situation. At the end of the day, this perpetrator is a child of 10. I don't want to minimise or dismiss the suffering of your 4 year old who was abused but permanent family break-up based on the actions of a 10 year old is heavy going. If it MUST happen, then it must happen - but exhaust all possibilities of expert help before making your final decision.

I'm very sorry for your situation. One abuser can negatively impact so many lives and my heart goes out to you, your little ones and your husband.

Samara - posted on 10/11/2013

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As a parent you must protect your children even if it means breaking their heart in another way. Sexual abuse & the LIFELONG emotional scars that it leaves is no joke! It really will take a toll on your child and I pray that you don't allow your love for their father come in the way of protecting them from more harm. Your 4 yr old needs you to show him that you will not stand for anyone to hurt him, that it's not his fault & he is not inconveniencing everyone (the boy who abused him did that) and he must see by your own actions that you will protect him & take him away from harm no matter how hard or what the cost is. A boy that is 10 and sexually abuses a younger child will not rehab! Don't let people down play his sickness. He needs help and not acceptance or another chance. Imagine the guts it took for him to do that and yet he did. PLEASE I speak from experience- even if your husband has no other means to handle him don't go with the flow on this!

Gena - posted on 10/11/2013

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I wouldnt care if it was a 7 or 10 year old,that child did something awfully wrong and needs to get help as soon as possible.You must also protect your kids,maybe if the ten year old is back your 4year old will think its normal what he did or be confused.I wouldnt take any risk whatsoever that the kids could be molested again.I wish you good luck with the whole situation.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/09/2013

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Sorry, but if he did it once, he'll do it again, whether its to your kid, or a neighbor, or a classmate...by writing it off due to his age, he's only being enabled.

Shanamott - posted on 10/09/2013

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cops were called so were dcyf everyone thinks its not an issue over his age

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/09/2013

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you need to report this situation to cps. Sexual abuse is a HUGE deal. If your husband is in denial, tough.

How do you think your 4 yo will feel to know that you left him exposed to his abuser? If the 10 isn't repentant, and doesn't seem to understand that he was wrong, he'll do it again. The child needs help, and by not reporting it, and keeping your kids exposed to him, you're only helping him to do it again.

Your husband needs help to, if he doesn't understand that this is a big deal. Get out, get your kids out, report your step son, and get him the help he needs before he becomes a huge sexual offender. He's headed that direction as it is.

Shanamott - posted on 10/09/2013

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he sexually molested him two weeks ago my step son is 10 and we have full custody, Theres no mother involved. My husband his father thinks he has learned and should be allowed back in our home with 3 other children. i dont believe he will stop seeing how he is not even sorrowful for what hes done. Im ready to leave but my poor children dont wanna leave because theyll miss daddy. What do i do im so confuse angry sad help!!!

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