Step son is very mean to my daughter

Nichole - posted on 06/06/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have been a step mom to my 13 year old son for almost 9 years. At times he is very nice to my 5 year old daughter, but a lot of times he is really mean to her. I'm gonna give a little background first.
My step sons relationship with his bio mom was horrible. She lied to him, and used him to hurt his father. He would be aloud to sit in his room all day, alone to play video games, a lot of time missing school. After many many months/years of custody battle, his father was awarded 50/50. Well when that happened how bio mom split. We haven't heard a word from her. I have a son the same age as my step son, and during the years me and his father have had 2 girls together, 5 and 8 months. I have tried to bond with my step son to no avail. But that being said we do get along well. I have never been the punisher, and my family loves him too. We have always just treated him as if he was my bio son. I know he has resentment, and sadness and maybe anger about his bio mom. But lately I have been noticing him being very mean to his little sister. There are times he is really nice, and they get along really well, but more often than not he is mean. He will purposely lie to her, make her cry, and then laugh at her. I have tried so much, but I'm at the point where I have to tell her she's shouldn't play with him, or even be around him, and I'm not OK with that :(. I try to intervene and say that's not nice, that's not how we treat family, and have tried to explain to him that it can be damaging to her. I guess I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to be the "evil step mom" but I have a duty to teach my daughter right and wrong. Any advice will help.

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Roxie - posted on 06/06/2016

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Definitely need to monitor when they are together. Maybe see if you can find a one on one time for you and him and try to do a routine activity to try and start some trust. sports maybe? No idea what you could do but he must have some special things he loves to do or would do. Try to make it you and him if can and praise his achievements in this activity. Also no you don't want to stress the relationship with the father. This is a tuff one for sure. Hope there is something we can find to work on your behalf. I have battled with kids for a very long time and some you just don't win, so don't feel you failed if cannot get through.

Nichole - posted on 06/06/2016

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I do love him so much, and worry about him. I know that because I'm not his "real" mom that he may eventually turn on me, and that would be heartbreaking. I agree some counseling would help us all, but unfortunately getting his father to agree is hard. I would be so sad if our relationship turned for the worse, but I also have other children to protect. I have a lot of patience and believe that the more you talk to your kids the better. But I just can't figure this one out. In the mean time do I keep them separated? I see that possibly creating more problems???? My my daughter is so sad

Roxie - posted on 06/06/2016

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I am sorry to hear this, he seems to have a heavy burden of feeling abandoned and some anger there. No matter how good we are to them at that point they tend to lash out at any kindness offered. Kids tend to believe they are the cause of all things bad in the world and that there must be something wrong with them for someone to just leave them behind. It would not hurt to talk to a consular for your own mental heath, it can be wearing. Talk to your DR. too if need they may have someone you can contact to discuss the situation. He is at an age where these heavy situations are hard to understand. Hugs for your little girl it is very exhausting and must make her very upset too. He definitely sounds angry and when kids have no answers, I guess they choose become mean and find a victim to torture that is innocent and easy to target. He needs to find someone to confide in that can encourage positive thinking so he does not carry this on into teen days. Try to make him understand you care and worry and want him to be happy and that you are willing to find the help he needs to be happy.

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