Alisha - posted on 07/08/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )




I have 3 step sons and 3 of my own. We have chores and rules at our house. My step sons mother lets just say cant say no dosent make them clean up after themselves and caves second one of them start yelling at her (which is all the time) but what gets me is when their father or i tell them no we get well mommy will say yes or they go to room start throwing things and fight with us to do chores well we dont have to at mommys so why do we here and now shes paying them for chores they do here??? (With us half the week) when she comes to drop them off she wants to stay and play with them ends up here an hr. Or two sometimes and wont leave and kids are horrible when she is around when she leaves they are so much better and when she dosent like one of our rules shes constantly threatening to take my significant other back to court for full custody and he gets all upset hes so involved in their lives amd our kids lives and even my daughter whoch os his step daighters life its amazing but how do we deal with the mom who never can say no and seems to think she can run house our house as well always ends up in an argument and still talks to kids like their 2! They are 8, 10, and 13.


Dove - posted on 07/08/2015




At 8, 10, and 13 they are far old enough to understand that different houses have different rules. You can not control what happens in HER house, but you and your husband have every right to make the rules and chores of your own house and let the kids know that Mom makes the rules for her house and you guys make the rules for your house... and that's how it is. End of discussion, no debate. You are a family and when you are a part of a functioning family... every member must do their part or the whole family suffers.

Have your husband let the kids know all of this and then drop the subject. When she drops them off she can say good bye outside. Your husband can go outside to greet them and send the kids in the house ahead of time and then he can tell his ex 'we'll see you... (whenever pick up is)' and go inside and shut the door. No discussion, just make the change.

He can also let her know about how it is fine for her to make the rules in her house, but that you guys make the rules for your house and it would be beneficial to the kids if all of the adults respected each others decisions... but I wouldn't expect her to care about that.


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Michelle - posted on 07/08/2015




I've had exactly the same for the last 10 years. I have done 50/50 shared care and my ex husband doesn't like to have rules at his house. My children have rules here and they have learned that I don't care what happens at Dad's place, they are with me and my rules apply.
You seem to be making a lot of excuses, you either want the children to follow your rules or you don't. Dove and Raye have given some great advice.

I also agree that the Mother doesn't need to enter your house during changeover. If need be, get your husband to go back to court to modify the orders to state where changeovers will occur.
You also need to stay out of what happens at the other house, you can't control that.

Raye - posted on 07/08/2015




It's none of the kids business why she goes to the clinic every day. Truth is she has a medical problem and she's trying to keep it under control. That's all they need to know.

If you have to call the police on her, then call the police on her. Maybe then she'll understand that you mean what you say. The kids also seem like they need to learn that you mean what you say. If they give you crap about your rules, tell them it's not a discussion. The rules are the rules. The End. Be firm. Don't argue with them, but do make them understand that the rules will be followed. And you must have consequences for when they are not followed.

What happens at the mother's house is not your circus, and what happens at your house is not her circus. You all need to butt out of other people's business that doesn't concern you. If she wants to pay them for chores done at your house, who the heck cares? And, yes, her caving in all the time will make it harder on you because there's no consistency from one house to the other. But you need to be consistent with your rules. If you cave even once, then they've learned that you will cave given enough pressure, and keep applying pressure til you break.

She wants to go to court? Let her. Don't let her threaten you, because that might just backfire on her. As long as you're following the court ordered custody/visitation agreement, then there's nothing she can do. The judge won't want to hear her nagging about chores and rules, and you removing her from your property when it's your time with the kids. She would have no evidence of abuse, right? So, don't let her get to you. The only control she has over what happens at your house is the control that you give her. So don't do it. Be calm and firm with her, and the kids.

Alisha - posted on 07/08/2015




Oh they deffinently know the difference its if they want to lisen or not and she deffinently dosent care what we have to say about anything we get the well this amd well that from her hes been meeting her outside but she still wont listen we had to threat her at one point to leave or we would call the police on her on top of all this shes trying to hide going to methadone clinic every morning with her boyfriend from them and they are starting to ask ask why they go to the doctors everyday for past 3 years its just fusturating watching how she babies them so much and caves at the first scream

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