Step-sons parents should never have had him.

[deleted account] ( 23 moms have responded )

I have been with my fiancee for 3 1/2 years now. His son was born in 2004. My fiancee is a 47 year old professional and his ex-wife is a 48 year old school teacher. You would think they have some combined abilities to raise their son.

I am a reasonable yet "strict" by today's standards, parent. I still expect children to show respect. Look after their things and do their part to keep themselves and their space clean. I expect them to "be kids" and have fun but I expect them to take their education seriously and make good decisions for themselves.

This child is not only lazy but glutenous, careless, manipulative and lacks any self discipline. His mother is selfish and his father does not like conflict. Their lives never revolved around this kid and during the past 3 1/2 years I have tried to raise him as I do my own. Needless to say it is not easy or even possible if his parents are not putting in the effort to ensure rules are placed and that each house has it's own expectations of him.

I have gotten to the point where I hate the kid. I blame both parents and I don't want to be part of the child's life. I'm quite happy staying out of the way when he is over. The child has also made it quite clear that he does not like me and fears me because I do hold him accountable and there is punishment involved when he has really done something bad, like forgetting to bring his homework home 3 weekends in a row or sticking boogers on our walls and furniture.

His father's access to him is now once every 2 weeks. I have tried repeatedly to get him to talk with his ex with regards to Paul's behaviour. They eventually did but only after he started getting in trouble at school. I am at a point where I dread him coming over because each visit will result in him flooding out toilets (they have NEVER flooded when he was not here), breaking things due to his clumsy nature and staying in his room till it's time for him to be fed. At which point he will always try to eat the least healthy thing on a menu (if we treat them to a dinner out) or eat like an animal with no idea what to do with a napkin or a knife and fork.

I use to be a very supportive and understanding step-parent to him but I don't have the patience nor will I put in any more effort to teach him manners, socialize with him or even be nice to him. I will not put up with his behaviour and it will only get worse...as it has shown to have already affect his schooling and his environment with friends and family. I feel that if I can be a "good step-parent" that I should not be a part of this kids life. How does one do this and not end their perfectly fine home life and love life?

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Sarah - posted on 03/28/2016

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NONE of this is the child's fault and yet he is the one paying the price. Don't you think he knows you "Hate the kid, find him lazy, gluttonous, careless and manipulative"?
I'd be miserable, hiding in my room and covering my pain with food too. You can certainly what and how much he eats when he is over, by only offering certain foods. My teens can clog a toilet so I'd not hold that against him. If you are already spread too thin, and don't have the energy to invest in this child, then don't marry his father. If the mother becomes disabled or dies, who will have him 100% of the time? His father.

Raye - posted on 03/28/2016

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Any parent who is doing their job is regarded as a nuisance by the kid. Of course he wants the easy route that his parents take. But that's not in his best interest. However, you shouldn't have to do it alone. The father should help, because it's HIS kid. Again (and as these other ladies have said), if you can't take the whole package, then get out completely. Don't marry this man and exclude his kid. It wouldn't be healthy for any of you.

Raye - posted on 03/28/2016

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So, why did you do all that just to give up now? You're tired, I understand that completely. But you have allowed the father to drop the ball for 3 years. You have picked up that ball and ran with it for 3 years. And NOW you want to just take off and leave him stranded? You helped create this situation by allowing it to go on this long. It's not fair for this child who has come to rely on you for you to cut yourself out of his life. His parents have neglected him, now you want to also. I feel so sorry for that boy.

If you're giving up on him, then get out completely. The child will always be a part of his fathers life, and they are a package deal. He should not want to marry a person that can't stand his child and vacates the home when the child is there. What are you teaching your own kid about relationships? To bail when someone needs you? To only be around when things are going good, and run away when it's tough. If you want to remain with the father, then you have to be the catalyst for positive change. Get the father more involved so all the weight doesn't fall on you. Let the kid know he has someone in his life to count on. It won't be easy. He will push boundaries as all kids do, in their own way, as he grows and learns. He's a kid. Most likely he's not trying to make it hard on you on purpose. He just doesn't know how to process or express his emotions about what has happened and is happening in his life.

Raye - posted on 03/28/2016

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Dina, I am a step-mom and I know how very difficult it can be when trying to do right by kids who's parents are not doing what you feel is in the best interests of the children. My husband and I got into a "discussion" this weekend about his kids. Their mom is useless. And he is afraid to stand up to her because he thinks she would fight to take them away from him (although I don't see how she could win). The kids have no consistency between homes. The boy is learning bad behaviors from his mother's boyfriend's sons. He's lying and fighting in school. Both kids are falling behind in their school work and their mom doesn't check to make sure their homework is done. The girl is taking things that don't belong to her. These kids are a mess. But I love them to pieces. I try to help them as best as I can with the information I get from their dad (who is very much lacking in communication skills). I greatly dislike the kids behavior and their parents behavior, but I don't hate them as people (ok, maybe I hate their mother a little bit, but I most certainly don't hate the kids). And I don't run from being the only consistent influence in their lives.

Your words: "I have gotten to the point where I hate the kid. I blame both parents and I don't want to be part of the child's life. I'm quite happy staying out of the way when he is over" says to me that you should not marry this man. BIG RED FLAG. The boy is an innocent victim of his parents lack of parenting. If you're going to stay in the relationship, then you either accept things the way they are or you and your BF need to get on the same page. Your home should have consistent with rules and consequences for all the kids while they are staying in that house. Kids need structure and stability. You can't control what the mother does. But you and your BF can control what behaviors you allow from the child in your home. You running away when it's your BF's visitation is not helping matters. How does that lead to a healthy marriage if you don't want to be in your own home? Then you're BOTH avoiding the issues, and that child is left to fend for himself. If you and your BF can't work out how to be in this together, with his son, then it's not the right relationship for you.

Michelle - posted on 03/27/2016

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Why has your BF not got court orders? It's not up to the Mother to dictate when the Father sees his child.
It sounds like your BF needs to man up and fight for his child, he's not doing that at all.

You will get feedback on what we are told, we don't have a crystal ball to know all that has gone on. You wrote that you hated your step son, that speaks volumes and is not fair for the child.
Like we have all said, your BF needs to be the parent. He's not being that at the moment.

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[deleted account]

Oh and in my culture when you marry a person you are actually marrying his family. We do not put elders in old age homes (unless they need a doctor). You do everything in your power to help your kids. I would literally give my life for mine. You are together during all/most celebrations, holidays and grieving.

This child is seeing the same amount of love and affection that I show my child. Maybe he's upset because he knows his mother will not let him live with us and knows how life could be.

Hopefully this kid will move in when he has a choice.

[deleted account]

It was said out of frustration and yes some people should not have kids. I never said the kid should die.

My background is Greek. I am a Greek Canadian. Greek people are extremely dramatic in their speech...hence "greek tragedy". "I'm going to kill you (translated from greek) is actually both an endearing phrase you say to a child and an angry phrase you tell a child, similar to "you're grounded MR!"

Well another weekend is almost here and a birthday party for my son has been scheduled. My step-son will be spending another weekend with us, at my request, to take part in the festivities. I've recharged and am ready to try again.

Sarah - posted on 03/30/2016

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I gotta say as well that declaring that a child should never have been born is really sad. Really sad, poor kid.

[deleted account]

I feel the boy see's me as a nuisance now. That I'm in his way and because I don't allow him to sleep in till 11:30 and expect breakfast that he would prefer things were the way his parents leave him be.

I'm not abandoning him but I have my health issues as well and am spreading myself too thin. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and 3 years ago or 2 years ago the child was doing better.

I didn't just wake up one morning and gave up on the kid. I have addressed this issue with his father numerous times. The ex wife does not respond to him or address issues because she does not want to do more than she has to.

This boy is 11 years old and weighs between 180 and 200 lbs. I don't think he drinks water at home and she does not cook. It's eating out and ordering stuff most of the time. At least this is what the kid has said. The house is covered in heaps of stuff and laundry can take up to 3 weeks to be done.

My ex pays $800 in child support per month and she earns 95K a year yet she does not dress him properly. Everything is plastic or polyester and from Walmart. Don't get me wrong I have things from Walmart but I only buy what I think is acceptable quality.

He is allowed to wear only track pants (does not own a single pair of pants for a special occasion such as dinner at a fancy restaurant, visiting my parents during holidays etc. and he will sleep in the clothes he is wearing during the day. He is told to wear deodorant but doesn't and when we send him to shower I think he just stands under the shower. His head never smells of soap. When I or his father tell him to go back and try again...well I get the death stare because he knows or assumes I'm the one that is behind this.

I would go to counselling with him but I think the problem lies with the parents and they need to sort out these issues first. I'm just stuck...in that it's not my place to push them any further. It's their job.

[deleted account]

I became his go to person to deal with his issues. He knew that if he told me whatever was bothering him that I would help him deal with it. He would tell me he loves me all the time and would run to cuddle with me the way my son does. He kept asking us if he could live with us and when are we going to get married.

I watched him every weekend for 3 1/2 years and every Wednesday to Thursday, school pick up and drop off.

I basically took care of him, not his father. I know this kid better than his parents do and he knows this.

Ev - posted on 03/27/2016

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I agree with the other ladies on their responses to your query. I can see where you come from to with frustration on trying to do so much for a child who has been raised to get what he wants when he wants it with no rules enforced by either parent. That does not make them bad parents but not the best either. But your next to last post had me bothered.

{{I have made it clear to my fiancee that I am more than willing to raise his son as my own. That he should go to court and ask for full custody. He is not perfect and he does not like to create huge change. He's hoping he can father his son and that his ex wife (a schoolteacher) will become a better mother.}}~~~I am glad that you are willing to raise someone's child like your own but you only have so much say in a lot of matters and if the father is not wiling to go through with it then there is not much you can do about it in the legal sense. No parent is "perfect" and we each do as we think best.~~~

{{He's old fashion in the sense that a child should be raised by his mother. I believe that too but if his mother has repeatedly proved to not have the child's best interest at heart then she's given up that right.}}~~~You can not decide what the mother should consider as the child's best interest is. Just because it does not match what you think does not make it totally the wrong way to parent, not the best though. And if she and dad are not willing to change things and enforce what is needed to make this boy successful in life, you can not make them do that. IT is not your call. You can only do what you can with him.~~~
{{' I have sacrificed so much for my two boys. One is in college and not living at home. The other one volunteers at an animal hospital, brings home straight A's, wants to be a veterinarian and is the perfect child.}}~~~So you got the good kids. I did too but NO child is PERFECT. Each child has their good points and not so good ones. They all make mistakes and they all fall along the path at times and do not meet expectations. I think you are setting the expectations the same for this kid and expect him to be just like your kids because they are "perfect". And each kid is different. You can not expect him to be just like them or do just like them. It is out of the question. You also mentioned that mom did not put him in extra activities after school. Not all kids get that. Not all kids come from families that can afford extra activities be it sports, dance, or other things. They might get their socialization other ways. Just because mom did not get him involved in other things outside of school does not make her a bad mother. My kids did not have much in the way of extra activities after school because they rode the bus to school and had no way to stay after for those things and get picked up to go home later. And money was an issue. They went to church and had family gatherings for some social things. For others it might be related to parent's work. Did it make my ex and I bad parents for not doing so?~~~
{{ I did not want to start a conversation by saying I walk on water, I have the best kid and only I know what's best for this child who I have repeatedly shown how to eat at the table, take care of himself, listen to him, held him and have fought with my fiancee for him.}}~~~You do not want to sound like you walk on water but your post reads like it. You come across as the perfect sort of parent and that this kid's parents are not that great. You say your own kids were perfect. And it sounds like there is comparison of him to your kids. You are setting standards that might not fit this kids' needs or personality. You sound like you are expecting perfection and it does not work that way.~~~

{{ I feel his manipulative mother is rubbing off on him and comes here just because "he's suppose to". He's 11 years old but I'm afraid he's going to get worse as he gets older.}}~~~Like the others have said, if his parents can not seem to get it together and parent better in ways to help him be a better, productive person, there is not much you can do about it. He has been allowed to be this way his whole life even with you in the picture. He is not like your kids so do not expect it. He can also tell if you really like him or love him or not. He can pick up on your resentment of him. It is not his fault his parents chose to raise him this way. But you can not force people to follow what you think is the best for their kid no matter what is going on.~~~

I wonder--how well do you know this kid? How much did he come to the house at first? I wonder because my kids' have a step mom who came in the picture after their dad and I had been divorced barely two years. They were married by the time we got to being divorced for three. She had been in their lives barely three years when my daughter graduated high school. She claimed to know my kids very well when she did not know them at all. She never tried to know them for who they really were. And she tried to push her ideas on my ex and myself where decisions were concerning them and she had no real say. She tried to control our visitation roster. She tried to tell us how to do things. She tried to make it look like I was not being a good mother to my kids who knew better. She thought she knew it all about raising kids. I am just saying that 3.5 years is not that long a time where a kid is concerned to say you know them well. I am just asking not attacking you.

[deleted account]

I know. There lies my frustration. We sit him down and tell him what our expectation of him are in our house and he listens and says "ok". Does not add to the conversation and it's in one ear and out the other or he just does not care. He displays hostility and indifference.

Do I have the right to say either you go for full custody of that boy and lets raise him together or I'm not getting involved with him in our home? Today I told him I would ensure I'm not home, visit my parents with my son, on weekends where he has access. I just don't know what else to do.

[deleted account]

You are correct about how much information I gave you. I assumed telling you he has a good father and that I have tried to help him was enough. That I did not need to go into great detail.

He needs to get the child in his custody now but he wants to give her every chance to be a good mother. I HATE when the child rolls his eyes at me, when he out and out lies, when he comes to visit us and stays in his room. The room that I went into great length to create for him. I sewed the curtains. Went with a "mindcraft" theme, personalized name decal I ordered for his room with battery operated torches, lego, books, iPad and everything else this boy loved. HE LOVED IT!

I have made it clear to my fiancee that I am more than willing to raise his son as my own. That he should go to court and ask for full custody. He is not perfect and he does not like to create huge change. He's hoping he can father his son and that his ex wife (a schoolteacher) will become a better mother. He's old fashion in the sense that a child should be raised by his mother. I believe that too but if his mother has repeatedly proved to not have the child's best interest at heart then she's given up that right. I have sacrificed so much for my two boys. One is in college and not living at home. The other one volunteers at an animal hospital, brings home straight A's, wants to be a veterinarian and is the perfect child. I did not want to start a conversation by saying I walk on water, I have the best kid and only I know what's best for this child who I have repeatedly shown how to eat at the table, take care of himself, listen to him, held him and have fought with my fiancee for him. I feel his manipulative mother is rubbing off on him and comes here just because "he's suppose to". He's 11 years old but I'm afraid he's going to get worse as he gets older.

Dove - posted on 03/27/2016

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*Their lives never revolved around this kid.

*Needless to say it is not easy or even possible if his parents are not putting in the effort to ensure rules are placed and that each house has it's own expectations of him.

*I have gotten to the point where I hate the kid. I blame both parents and I don't want to be part of the child's life.

*His father's access to him is now once every 2 weeks.

*What I'm worried about is saying something I shouldn't to the kid in anger.


Bottom line... you and his father need to be on the same page when it comes to the rules and consequences in YOUR home. Neither of you have a say in what happens in his mother's home and he is far old enough to learn quite quickly that what goes in one home doesn't in the other. If you and the father both sit down together and come up w/ rules and consequences that you will both stick with... you will eventually see a change in how this boy is in your home. If you can't/won't both do that... nothing will change and it's up to you to either accept things as they are... or leave. There isn't any other option that will not destroy the entire family in time. Period.

[deleted account]

I joined this group today and wrote about my predicament in the hopes I may get some intelligent feedback.

There is only so much info I can give you/the forum to try and help you see where I am coming from.

If I didn't love my fiancees son or think he was a good role model then I would not have been with him or concern myself with his son.

I am a good step-parent in that I care enough to seek advice on how to deal with my frustration and obvious exhaustive attempt on my part to help this kid.

Some additional info regarding said father: He is a high ranking government employee as I am. He stayed home for paternity leave to raise his son when his wife did not want to. He slept on the family sofa for a year and a half so that he could be near his son even when the relationship between his son and his wife was over. Once he left the house he got an apartment within walking distance to the family home so he can raise his son 50/50. The child's mother participates in many social functions and work related activities leaving her son in the care of the father every weekend from Friday to Sunday and every Wednesday. She wants to live the life. This man continued to pay his part for the family home, child support and basically take care of his child as best as he knew how while the mother enjoyed her bachelorettehood. When it came time to getting a divorce 2 years after he moved into the apartment... ex wife decided 50/50 was no longer a good idea because by law father had overpaid her and she was not entitled to child support (past or future) unless child was in her care longer. So money spoke.

Father does not want to rip his son out of his "mommy's arms" or see them fight. Father tries not to push her too much so he can have some type of open communication with her for the betterment of his son.

I can keep going about this man and how he has showed his love for my son. I can tell you that the only award this kid has ever gotten was "most improved student" when I helped him with his homework and showed interest in him and his life when his mother didn't. He has asked in the past to come live with us "like a family". This fun loving child has changed drastically and I have not been able to figure out why. I've made counselling for him happen and his parents took him there but he walks out and the counsellor can't force him to stay.

I'm frustrated and don't need your judgemental ignorance.

Dove - posted on 03/27/2016

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I also do not understand how you can claim this guy is a good role model for your child, but not a good parent to his own son.... That is completely contradictory and leads me to believe you may be deluding yourself on more than one issue.

Dove - posted on 03/27/2016

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If you hate this boy it will destroy him. If you stay in this relationship while hating an innocent child... you are no better (and in fact a lot worse) than his parents. You are being a horribly selfish human being to think you love this man and hate his son.

What the hell did you post for? To be validated that hating a child is justifiable? It's not. If you can not love and accept this child just as much as your own... you have absolutely no business being in his life and you can not be in his father's life, but not in his.

Grow up and either get counseling for the entire family and work together w/ this boy's father and LOVE this child unconditionally.... or get out of the relationship before you not only destroy this boy, but also your son.... because if you don't think the negative environment will eventually rub off on and screw up your own kid... you are deluding yourself.

Women that comment like you honestly make me sick for their children.

Michelle - posted on 03/27/2016

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Like you said in your OP, it's the parents fault the child is like he is. Stop "hating" the child, he is only doing what he has been allowed to do his whole life.
If your BF can't be a Father to his own son, how can he be a great role model and Father figure for your son?
All I'm going to say is that everyone has different parenting styles and when you find a partner you need to be on the same page. I was with a man that didn't like to discipline his daughter, he wanted me to do that. I quickly told him that he needs to be the parent and he needs to learn to discipline her, it wasn't my job. We didn't last because I refused to be the one always disciplining the kids.

[deleted account]

I would say I have a "proactive personality". I don't just talk about doing something or watch something that is wrong and accept it as being "none of my business". I guess this is why I find this so difficult. I cared about this kid and I believe I helped him become a better person and student when I was active in his upbringing. This however, came at a price. It wore me out. Between talking to my fiancee and pushing him to basically squabble with his ex and watching her not pay to put her son in extracurricular activities to promote socialization and his well being, I have become tired.

My fiancee is an excellent role model for my son and a good father figure. I have gotten him to take his son to counselling and shown him how to get his son to open up to him. I just think some people are better equipped to handle children. These two are not.

I am not ending my relationship with my fiancee. He is giving, to both me and my son. We love each other deeply and both want to spend the rest of our lives together. We have goals and dreams. He see's how happy and well adjusted/behaved my son is and I only wish his own son was that way as well.

Dove - posted on 03/27/2016

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Honestly... if you can not love and accept the child as he is... do not marry his father. That's not fair to anyone. If the situation has always been this bad your relationship w/ the man never should have gotten this far.

I'd never be w/ a man not willing or capable of being a father and holding his son accountable for his actions. If you have made your case to the father and nothing has changed... you need to either accept this boy and this situation exactly as is... or end the relationship.

It is not the child's fault that he doesn't have decent parents and he doesn't need another adult in his life making things even worse for him by hating him for things beyond his control.

[deleted account]

Hi Sarah and thank you for your respond. My life with my fiancee and my son is fine. We've been living together for 3 years and own a home together. We are getting married in a couple of months. What I'm worried about is saying something I shouldn't to the kid in anger. I don't trust myself to be a good step-parent anymore.

I wish I didn't care about the boy and I see the problems his parents are going to have down the road. Why can't I just tell myself "it's not your kid and not your business"?

Sarah - posted on 03/27/2016

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There are no really good answers. You as a step parent are just that the step parent. You can talk to your boyfriend, but really it is the choices of the bio parents in how the child is raised....right or wrong. As for talking with the ex that should be done by your boyfriend not you. You do have a say if this is what you want in your life or not. The big part of dating is deciding if this person/persons if they have kids what you want in your life. Your boyfriend, his ex, and his son are who they are.....is that how you want to live or do you want different.

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