Stepchildren - When is enough enough?

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

I have a stepchild who is 15. For 4 years we have had constant problems with her going behind our backs when it comes to boys. The rules are no dating or boyfriend til 16. This past summer we found out that she has been going behind our backs and seeing a guy we have forbid her to see. These times have been when she has been at her other parents home on their visitation. We found out she has had sex at the age of 14. We have sat down with the other parents and talked to them about what was going on. We came to an understanding that she would not be allowed access to a computer, ipad, ipod, phone or allowed to go anywhere with a boy. She was not to be left alone. ( We found out she had sent nude photos to this boy).

Now that 2 months have passed the other parent is allowing her to go to a boys house and hang out with him and another boy. THis was the problem to begin with she was allowed to go off with someone and the guy would show up. When questioned she said she didn't think it was a problem cause this guy was her best friend. I don't deny that they are probably only friends but what about the other guy who was there? All these boys are in the same circle.

I just have a hard time when rules are laid out they aren't followed and nothing ever happens to her as punishment. Her father says I can't control it over there but at what point should she be held accountable? She knew the rules, doesn't matter if she is friends with the one boy or not. THINGS HAPPEN!!!! She knows she is not suppose to be going over to any boys house but she does.

I am at my wits end cuz when I find these things out my 1st instinct is to let her father know and it just causes a big problem between me and him.

WHAT DO I DO?

6 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

Sad part about it is the mother is more interested in being her friend than her mother...has for 12 years now since we got residential custody due to child abuse in her mothers home.



We did report him and it is being handled by the state attorneys office and you would think she would learn her lesson but I guess not. We have contacted our lawyer (one we had to pay over $15,000 to fight for custody) and he said that with what is going on and the mother allowing it and with the past history we could get her permanently. We never wanted to go that route and thought talking to the mom would help the problem. The mother was a 17 yr old mom and was allowed to do the same things her daughter is doing now and thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with her daughter having sex at 14 and going to parties where there are more boys than girls and everyone is 17 or older.



We try to make her understand the path she is going towards but she just doesn't care. She feels if its ok at her moms then it should be ok here. She goes to her moms 6 days a month...she should be more concerned about the rules here.

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2012

3,561

36

3907

Still not your house, you still can't control the rules. The only thing you can do is act on the information you have and report the relationship and have him charged. Sorry, I know it sucks, and I know it isn't what you want to hear.....but you will never have control of the rules in the other parent's house.

Vicki - posted on 09/09/2012

380

0

175

I personally think it would be up to her mother to have rules and follow through with them seeing how the daughter breaks them on her watch. There really isnt much you can do except to inforce your rules when she is on your watch. Another thing maybe you can do is talk to her about her behavour maybe give her a heads up as to whats around the corner, educate her with the possibilities of what can happen with the choices she is making. Other than educating incouraging the right thing and enforcing your own rules is all you can pretty much do, her choices do have natural consenquences so i guess she will have to be held accountable at some point!

[deleted account]

Now what I failed to mention is the guy we caught her with was 18 and she is 15 and here in Florida that is a 3rd class felony. She was seeing him while with the other parent and we had to go to the police and everything. Now the other parent had agreed he was too old and told her father that she wouldn't let her see him while over there yet everytime something happened between them was on her mothers watch. These are the type of things we are dealing with. The mother agrees with the rules but when she goes over there she goes against them.



Like I said it has been going on for over 4 years and it is always guys way older than her. She is old enough to know better...shouldn't she be held accountable for her choices also?

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2012

3,561

36

3907

Her father is right. You can't control the rules in the other parent's home. You can only manage what is going on in your home. By all means, you can have conversations with the other parent, and try to be all on the same page as much as possible, but you can't control the other parent's household rules or the other parent's decisions.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms