Stepdaughter is a spawn of satin

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2015 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for a little over a year I have two boys from a previous relationship ages 5 & 3 my step daughter is also 3 we got her full custody 5 months ago and I'm going to snap she is a SOS ( spawn of satin) she will hit herself and say one of the boys hit her or if she doesn't get her way she will scream hurt herself and try to hurt others and her father will just baby her and tell her it's ok and it's driving me crazy it's not ok to be afraid of a 3 year old she has slapped me in the face bit me called me horrible names and has said she wants me to die or that she is going to kill me her bio mother is going to be having a baby in about a month and today my step daughter told me she's mad at the baby and going to kill it when mommy isn't looking she only sees her bio mom every other weekend I don't know what to do I love my husband beyond words can described but I regret taking her in she is getting worse and he thinks she's just adjusting this is not normal I have chronic illness I can't deal with this anymore when she has her fits it can be anything from her not getting to choose the family movie that night (we give turns) she will throw things smack herself punch herself hit her dad or me will scream curse words then will act like a baby to get out of it and he will get upset with me if I say not to give in don't tell her it's ok and don't baby her she's bruised me and all he can say to me is sorry but doesn't do anything to change it I want her to disappear give her back to her mother or something I am so afraid she is going to hurt me my boys or my husband she needs a straight jacket!

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Ev - posted on 10/08/2015

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The problem here is also that she has had a major change in living arrangements too. She can not tell you how it makes her feel as she has no choice in the matter. I am sure your boys are not perfect angels either even if knowing what you expect of them. I am sure that they might have some issues if they suddenly found themselves in a new situation that they did not expect to be in.

Ev - posted on 10/08/2015

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But she had been living with mom until five months ago. How do you think your boys would feel if they had to go live with their dad all of a sudden?

Ev - posted on 10/08/2015

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But she is three years old! She does not understand why she has to live with daddy full time. She does not understand why she is not with mommy. She only knows that she has been taken into daddy's home and has a step mom and step brothers now and she has to get used to that. You can not expect her to get used to things in less than 6 months. You do not sound like you have tried to get on her level either and try to be a mother like person to her. You just call her the spawn of satin. She can pick up on your feelings towards her without you saying them. She can read your body language, she can hear your tone in your voice when you talk around her, and she can see how you are treating her. Her world has been turned around. She does not get it at three. She also can not totally yet communicate her feelings in words either. So the hitting, yelling, whining, crying, and so on are the ways she is communicating. Dad needs to step to the plate on this but you said he acts as though it is normal. If he won't do anything nothing will change or get better but you have to be on board to help make this work. Blended families do not instantly work. They take work and unless you all do something now such as working on it on your own or going to counseling.....its not going to get better.

Ev - posted on 10/08/2015

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You have to take a breath and step back. This child had a major change in her life just five months ago. She went from living at mom's home all the time to the home of you and her father. She is most likely acting out because she does not understand why she had to come live with you. She is also getting used to a new set of step siblings around her all the time, dealing with mom having a new baby and so on. No her actions are not good but are somewhat normal for her age along with all these changes in her life. She can not help she can not communicate well enough to tell you guys how she feels. At the same time dad needs to step in and make sure that she understands her actions are not acceptable and start consequences. Also, see if he can get her mom to get on the same page to get this under control. She may also be looking for attention as up until now she has had it all--hence her comments against the new baby. You have to understand she has had her world turned upside down not once but twice or more.

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Gardensparrow - posted on 10/09/2015

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I have to agree on the counseling, as well. Or at least consider running it by your pediatrician. If there are some underlying issues causing this behavior, it will be hard to know how to address this without figuring those out. And maybe if your husband is able to hear some input from a professional he'll be more on board with having some firm consequences for your daughter. Just a thought...

Dove - posted on 10/08/2015

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Oh that poor little girl!!

Counseling 100%. Your husband needs to learn how to be a parent and that innocent little girl needs a LOT of help in learning how to deal w/ her emotional trauma... especially having a stepmother that can speak so harshly about a 3 year old.

You can NOT compare her to your own 3 year old.... every child is different... and what this little girl has already had to endure is more than any child should have to suffer.

Jodi - posted on 10/08/2015

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Amanda, I have read through this thread, and the other ladies have really great advice. But I see you making excuses......suggesting "but my kids don't act like that because they know better" is not very helpful. YOUR kids have their mother living in their home and have not been sent off to live with daddy while you have another baby. This kind of change in a child's life can be damaging and really does change the way a child reacts to the world. If not managed properly, this damage could be permanent. I assure you, your children would behave in ways you couldn't imagine if the same thing happened to them.

I, too, advocate that you and your partner seek counselling to help you blend your family, and also to assist with helping this child. She needs help, not punishment and reprimands. I understand you feel you are giving her love and attention, but probably just not in the way she needs it right now. She sounds like a very angry young girl (and probably rightfully so) who just needs help to cope with her new situation. She is not the "spawn of satan", and given she has been removed from her biological mother, having a stepmother who thinks this of her and who thinks she should be in a straight jacket, and who wants her to disappear is not really helping. She is a 3 year old. She needs understanding, love and help. It's not enough that you "show" her love - she can see right through you.

Raye - posted on 10/08/2015

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Evelyn, yes, the changes she's experienced are cause for disruptive behavior. And, at 3 y/o, she doesn't have the emotional maturity and verbal capacity to process it well. No matter where she got the idea of killing people, it's not a good thing to let go un-rebuked.

Ev - posted on 10/08/2015

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I do concur with Raye on what she said about the remarks regarding the baby and such but at the same time, this child is definitely in need of help as well as the whole family. While her remarks are above and beyond normal, that also depends on what she is exposed to when at her mom's or where ever she might hear those similar statements. Kids get all sorts of ideas from media. I am not saying this is the right sort of behavior for a child but all angles must be considered. It might be she is repeating what she has heard other places. But you have to also consider that a big change as custody changes are not within a 3 year olds understanding.

Raye - posted on 10/08/2015

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Oh, and sorry to be picky, but it's Satan not satin. Satin is a fabric.

Raye - posted on 10/08/2015

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First, the dad needs to man up and discipline his daughter. Many fathers tend to give in to their child's bad behavior because they feel guilty about the child's circumstances. The problem is, in trying to make the child "happy" by giving in, the child acts out even more. Children need structure and routine to feel safe in this new situation. He needs to be on board with the rules and consequences, and then follow through on them.

Second, if you have the girl all day and the dad is not there, then you have to control the situation during that time. Do not accept her behaving badly or even talking about hurting people. Tell her it's not how good people act, and she will not get your attention until she can behave and say something nice. Then ignore it if she keeps talking. If she hits, spits, bites, or is otherwise destructive or violent, then put her in time-out. She must say there for 3 minutes without acting up. You will have to repeatedly put her back in timeout until she can sit still for the whole 3 minutes. This will take a LOT of patience, but you need to be consistent and do the same thing every time. An egg timer or something to give her a visual clue as to how long she has to stay there might help her finally stay until the time is up. If she doesn't stay, sit her back down and reset the timer. She MUST stay there the whole time, and you can't give in to her. Eventually she'll get it.

Third, she probably needs counseling (your husband too). I agree with Evelyn that lashing out is normal, but I don't agree that her threats to kill people are normal. Maybe saying she *wished* you were dead or wished the baby would go away is normal, but actually plotting the baby's demise while her mom's back is turned is so very not okay. I think that needs professional help to find out why she would make those threats. Your husband needs to realize that he's doing more harm than good my giving in to her outbursts and not making her accountable for her actions. Yes, she's only 3 and you don't have to have the whole mountain come down on her every time she does the smallest thing wrong. But violence and death threats are serious business and need to be stopped pronto.

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2015

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They know better than to act like that I raise them to have respect for everyone " treat others how you want to be treated" my children know when I say no it means no they don't whine cry or through a fit about it even if there step father says no or other family members including there bio dad no means no we don't hit and we don't use curse words no matter where we are or what situation where in its different up bringings I tend to raise mine right to be respectful men to make this world a better place but I'm at loss with this little girl

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2015

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While we where dating and engaged we lived in different homes but he saw the boys occasionally and on weekends he had her so we where all together she had fits but it didn't seem this bad the boys have been around him as much as she's been around me

Ev - posted on 10/08/2015

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How long have your boys been around your husband? How long have you actually been around the girl?

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2015

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I've tried giving her love and getting on her level she will not let me I say I love you she tells me to shut up or screams no I try giving her hugs I get slapped or spit at I am alone with her all day while my husbands at work I let her choose her outfits out of two choices her meals out of a couple different things I have tried talking to her to let her know it hurts my feelings when she does that ive tried having a girls day with her One on one time she sees her mother on the weekends and it's not because she's 3 my 3 year old son doesn't act anything like that and he's getting use to having a man in his life and a sister

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2015

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She does different things for attention I can't even hug or kiss my husband until she has finally fallen asleep because she will get super jealous and cling to him she will break things when he shows any attention to the boys even if he says hi to them after not seeing them all day she will turn around and hit them push them or says she hates them

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