Stepson Clingy

Sam - posted on 02/18/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have a great relationship with my teenage stepson. I am just worried about when he returns from the odd visit to his mom. He lives with us permanently with visits to her every couple of weeks. A couple of times now he has become very clingy to me (not dad) when returning. I know my home is more stable and I know the affection is more natural (not in a nasty way but I know it is). Could it be he needs reassurance, is this normal? Or does he need to talk to someone about what is causing the clingy behaviour?

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Holly - posted on 02/18/2013

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I'll give you a story of what happened this weekend:
SD(stepdaughter) told me that her mother taught her how to ride her bike, that we wouldn't have to help her any more... I was suprised that BM got off her lazy butt and did anything like this with SD, but i told her "that's great!" So this weekend we went out and rode bikes... but SD asked if i could at least give her a running start. I had no problem with that. It was a lie, BM didn't teach her how, i gave her MANY running starts and each time i let go her feet came off the pedals... I told her go get a scooter and scoot around with the girls because I can't watch for cars, and watch all 3 girls, AND teach SD to ride her bike all on my own (my fiancee is working). So she returns her bike, crying and brings out the scooter, scootering, crying. i told her that maybe she is tired and needs to go take a nap (they have been up since 5:00am, to go put her scooter up. she walks up the driveway crying, putting her scooter up. A few minutes later i go inside and SD is STILL crying. So I tell My kids to go watch TV while i talk to SD... I get SD to come sit in my lap so we can have a "girl talk" I begin by asking her WHY she feels she needs to lie to us? If she doesn't know how to ride her bike, there is NOTHING wrong with that, Me and her daddy will help her learn... but we need to wait for a weekend when he isn't so busy. She was still crying, so I asked her, "what else is bothering you?"

SD- daddy is never here.
ME- daddy is here a lot honey, just this past 3 times he has been having a BUSY week
SD- It's just that mommy always asks what i did on my weekends and I tell her that daddy is not here and she asks why i even GO when he isn't here! She doesn't like it when i am here and daddy isn't! (which i can understand, but SHOULDN'T be put on a little girls shoulders, it must feel like the weight of the WORLD)
ME- Honey he IS here, just the past few times he has been busy. But if she asks you why you come, or what you do, you can tell her you do "sister stuff".
SD- *begins crying more*
ME- that is alot for a little 7yo to have to deal with
SD- *nods her head*
ME- You know you don't have to choose
SD- *looks at me, not quite understanding*
ME- You know you don't HAVE to choose who you love. It's ok to love Daddy, It's ok to love mommy. You are SUPPOSED to love your parents... BOTH OF THEM. Heck, it's ok to love step dad, AND its ok to love me
SD- *begins crying almost uncontrolably*
ME- *my heart is begining to break for this little girl* It's ok to cry, sometimes we need to just to get our emotions out. *i hugged her close and she cried for about 10 more minutes, then ended with wiping her tears on my shirt... I had to stop her from wiping her boogers on my shirt, we both laughed*

you never know what is going on at the other parent's house... but sometimes the kids just need more cuddles than usual

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/18/2013

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You don't know if he's interrogated while at mom's, or how she treats him. It could be that she treats him like dirt, like a worthless human being that she regrets being a part of, and when he gets home he needs that reassurance from his other maternal figure that he is loved?

I don't want to point fingers, but generally in my experience, when a kid is clingy, they need reassurance about something, especially at that age

Holly - posted on 02/18/2013

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It isn't normal. Perhaps he is used to your "natural" affection. and since his visits with his mother are not often, perhaps his mother has a hard time showing affection and it isn't as natural. But i would say that let him be clingy and get the affection he needs, as long as it isn't interfering with your affection to your spouce. unless it is uncomfortable to you.

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