Stepson staying together with girlfriend

Cece - posted on 07/09/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband regularly visit his son. When I'm driving with him I wait in car. I told my stepson that until they not married I wont come in. I ask him not to come with girlfriend to the house because for my neighbours it looks as if we agree when my husband fetch them and bring them.They having a child and its been going on for 3 years.I spoke to the girls mother and she wants her child to come home.We have 2 girls out of our marriage and want to raise them with good Christian values . My husband and I are both involved in the church.

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Michelle - posted on 07/09/2013

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Unfortunately these days the majority of people live together before marriage and also have children before marriage. A lot of marriages also end in divorce.
You are the one missing out on your Grandchild (yes, it may be a step can still be treated as part of the family).
I also think there is a bit of a double standard here, your husband has a child that isn't yours! He either had sex before marriage, is divorced or "lived in sin" as well.
Take a step back and look closer to home rather than judging your step son.

Ev - posted on 07/09/2013

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You almost sound like you are going around the subject here. You can not dictate the way your step son chooses to live his life. And worrying what the neighbors think about them is selfish at best. I think if you can not accept it and move on that is your problem not anyone elses. There is nothing wrong for them to come over for dinner or a day with their child, it does not show anything wrong. Being a Christian means not judging others no matter who they are. This is what I see you teaching your daughters and doing yourself.

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Angela - posted on 07/10/2013

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You don't approve of them living together and sharing a home when they're not married? That's OK. And you do NOT have to compromise your own beliefs by letting them share a room if or when they stay over at your house. All of that is OK.

BUT - you would NOT be compromising your beliefs by allowing him to bring his partner to your home for a meal or just spending time with the rest of the family. And the child has done nothing wrong. Your own children are entitled to quality time with their brother and with their niece/nephew - as well as with their brother's partner.

If you're worried about what your neighbours think, well trust me, they will be judging you and your husband far MORE for not allowing your stepson, his partner or their child in your house together (that's turning your back on your family) than they would because he and his partner live together as though married and have a child out of wedlock. They are a family, and they're part of YOUR family.

I thought Christian love and charity counted for a great deal more than maintaining a semblance of "respectability"? You talk about your daughters and the example it sets. Am I to believe that your daughters are totally unaware that their unmarried brother lives with a woman who is not his legal wife and that they have a child? How old are your daughters? Your daughters will make up their own minds when they're adults. One or other of them may well decide to live with a future partner before marriage - it's hardly unusual!

Allowing your stepson and his family (partner & child) into your home, welcoming them and treating them like the family they are will make things more open between all of you. And the instances of him asking his father for money behind your back are less likely to continue if you're open and accepting to them.

Ev - posted on 07/09/2013

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I am one that knows that from the Bible well. And as a parent, we teach our children the things we value and want them to value. But once they grow up, Cece, our job is done. We may not like their choices and it is their lives that they will have to answer to God for not you. You will answer for your own life. You have done your job. That is all you can do. But to demand that he not come for a visit because his life style is not to your liking is judging him. It also says in the Bible, "Judge not least ye be judged." I am not sure where it is but I know its there. You damn him in this life, you will loose out on a grandchild and your daughters loose out on their brother and nieces or nephews. Do not punish the whole family for choices he makes. This whole world seems to think that kind of life style is fine. Let them have it. But do not deny your family its time together. Is it fair to your girls not to have time with their brother or the little one? I don't think its fair. And no one is perfect. It also says to "Love your neighbor as yourself." That means that you love your neighbor despite the things that make that person up. Also it says to "Treat others as you would want to be treated." I think that should be thought about too.

Michelle - posted on 07/09/2013

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Evelyn has said it well. Your step son is a Father and it doesn't matter if they live together or not, he has to pay for his child. He would be paying child support if they didn't live together so I doubt he would be saving too much.

Mary - posted on 07/09/2013

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I think its sad you worry about what other people may think rather than being a family. I don't know but it looks to me you are not really seeing the big picture because you are rejecting a child for their parents beliefs, the child is innocent!
I understand you want to send the right message to your daugthers but you are also sending a wrong one by not being fair to the child, not your step son, his child

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