Marisella - posted on 03/11/2016 ( no moms have responded yet )
I recently lost my 5 year old son to a high speed chase. The worst part of this is that I feel so much guilt. I had just dropped him and his other two brothers off to my dad's house on Friday afternoon. He passed the day after on Saturday, February 13. I still remember that day as if I am constantly reliving it. I was up talking to my sister in law about his upcoming birthday party and how excited I thought he was going to be. I went to CVS and my husband called my phone. I thought I would just wait and answer it once I got in the store. He called right back and I answered. He told me to brace myself and the terror in his voice alone scared me. My heart immediately sank! He told me that my son had just been hit by a car. I live in Miramar and my father lives in Boynton. I just screamed and screamed crying all at the same time. That was the longest drive of my life. The entire time I was driving, I was praying for God to bless my child and allow him to be okay. That was the only thing that got me through that drive safely. I arrived at the hospital and was told to wait! That wait is the longest time ever. each second that went by felt like eternity. I kept asking to see my child so that I could let him know that I was there. They kept telling me to wait. Finally, I just gave up and snuck my way back to the ER. When I got there, security was right behind me as I kept asking for my son. A nurse came to me and advised me of the worst news of my life....that my son...my heart...my reason for living...my everything....didn't make it!!! At this time, I'm in complete shock and I simply ran out and fell to my knees. How?! How could my baby not be here anymore? I just didn't understand. I still don't understand. We are good people, we take care of our children, we teach them to always do the right thing. We weren't out there committing crimes. We weren't dead beat parents. Not saying that those parents deserve for anything to happen to their children, but we sure didn't. I just knew that everything was going to be okay. That he may have had to stay in the hospital for some time, but that things were going to be okay. And they weren't. I was so angry! Angry that God had taken my child from me. How could He let this happen? I had gone through so much as a child, why add this? I consider my children my blessings from God. How could He bless me with Jayden and then take him away from me? I didn't want to hear that it was my child's time to go. I didn't want to hear that God called His child home. All I wanted was my child. to hold him again. To say I love you again! To just see his precious little face again!! I wasn't asking to be a millionaire. I wasn't asking for materialistic things. Rather I was praying to God to breathe life into my child!! To allow him to stay here with me!! To let me see him grow into a young man!! To see what he would have become!! My JC was so good with his hands. We used to always tell him we couldn't wait for him to grow up because he was going to build something spectacular. Now that day we won't ever see. We had his going home service two weeks later and at a time where my faith was so fragile, the bishop spoke such a great sermon....how we are all here on loan. Our kids don't belong to us, but rather that God blesses us with them. And when God gets ready to call us back home (recall) we must go. He talked of Daniel and how he lost his son. But after he lost his son, he didn't get angry with God. He washed himself, went to worship God, and then he ate. He talked of how Daniel's servants just didn't understand. They asked him why was he eating when all before when his son was sick he didn't eat. He replied by saying that while his son was sick, he was fasting and praying for God to heal his son. Once his son passed, there was nothing that he could do. His son would never come back to him, but he wanted to make sure that he would go to his son one day. And it touched me so because two days after my son was involved in the incident, my oldest son woke up and told me that Jayden came to visit him. I was having a hard day. So hard. He told me he asked Jayden if he was in Heaven and Jayden told him no that he was in Paradise. That brought so many tears to my eyes. He asked him if he would ever visit him again and Jayden told him that he didn't know but that he was bored and that he's waiting for us. So that reminded me that I have to do all that I can to make sure that my baby isn't waiting for no reason. I'm not sure of everyone in this group, but my faith in God is the only thing that keeps me going everyday. Knowing that He makes no mistakes. Knowing that He is the only one that can comfort me. Some days I feel like I just can't move and then I say my prayer and I get just that much more strength. I go throughout the day seeing Jayden's face. At first I couldn't stand it, but now I talk to him. I believe that he hears me. I have videos of him that I constantly play over and over. His smile. His voice. His laughter. Oh how I long to hear him laugh again. They are hard to watch at times, but I am so glad that I have them. I do want to know of any coping mechanisms that anyone has found to be helpful.