Stressed Out Parenting ...

Shurlee - posted on 08/04/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone,

So I am at work today & I get a BBM msg from my sister asking me to call her.. and it's about my son.

Now some history. My son is 17yrs old- will be 18 in Nov this year. Over the course of his 17yrs he has never wanted for anything. My rules were simple [a] go to school -or- [b] get a job.
It was explained to him that if he stayed in school, his clothing, books, food, hobbies and such would all be looked after. Weekends and holidays he would have off.
Well.. it seems he doesn't want to do either of his 2 choices. instead he would stay in his room- skip school & be on his laptop with Skype open & other games. With zero respect this child would be asked to keep it down while others slept- with no avail.
Now going forward- my solution as a single parent was to send my son to a shelter for youth. At this shelter they would put him into routine.. days he had to be out of the residence.. meals were made for them & he was even set up with Ontario works [welfare]. Well 2 weeks later I caved as a mother & let him come back home. Since that first experience... I have kicked my son out of the house 3 other times. Currently- my son is living on the streets- unwilling I might add to go to the adult shelters in the area. For some reason .. he was unable to attend the youth shelter again [which is the best place for him]

As for mom.. [me] my mental health has taken a dive after dealing with all this. I feel horrible.. but I've had enough of this self abuse. After watching my son deteriorate in his room over time- has caused me into a depression. He isn't healthy for me to have around- I keep reminding myself of this fact.

Further notes on my son.. I didn't mention the fact that he has completely disrespected my property- food and garbage in his clothes.. under his bed [and its more like hoarding style] feces in his jeans and underwear.. and smeared on his 50-75 dollar t-shirts that were thrown in his closet under other items... tim hortons iced coffee drinks with mold floating on the top of them [several] and the BO smell as he wouldn't care for himself.

back to mom again... In fact.. I cleaned out his room 4 times & gave him a fresh start- new bed- mattress.. bedding.. everything & it didn't seem to matter.

Anyways.. back to the top to continue..
So my son has now reached out to my sister asking if he can do laundry there- or stay a night. My sister feels put in the middle of all this- I am over stressed.

Why is it.. I feel like the bad mom here? My son is highly manipulative & knows how to work the system and the people around him - yet he's soo disconnected from reality


HELP! :( I honestly feel like I can't help this kid outside of giving up on him and letting him hit rock bottom

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Jodi - posted on 08/04/2015

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Well, we can only post based on the information you have given. You said NOTHING about what you had already tried. We don't know if you know how to raise a healthy child or not. I assure you, we get some real doozies here who have no clue. How were we to know what you had already done? You already said you have a 17 year old who has never wanted for anything.....in most instances, that's actually not great parenting. Not saying in YOUR case it isn't, but generally, I child who has to work for nothing and wants for nothing has little motivation to EARN anything.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/04/2015

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I won't repeat what the others have said, but I agree with them both wholeheartedly!

Tell your sister that what she chooses to do for him is up to her. Most likely he wasn't allowed to return to the youth shelter because he'd either 1) Reached the age at which he is considered an adult in your system or 2) burned that bridge somehow.

Dove - posted on 08/04/2015

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* Over the course of his 17yrs he has never wanted for anything. My rules were simple [a] go to school -or- [b] get a job.
It was explained to him that if he stayed in school, his clothing, books, food, hobbies and such would all be looked after. Weekends and holidays he would have off.

*Well.. it seems he doesn't want to do either of his 2 choices. instead he would stay in his room- skip school & be on his laptop with Skype open & other games. With zero respect this child would be asked to keep it down while others slept- with no avail.

*Further notes on my son.. I didn't mention the fact that he has completely disrespected my property- food and garbage in his clothes.. under his bed [and its more like hoarding style] feces in his jeans and underwear.. and smeared on his 50-75 dollar t-shirts that were thrown in his closet under other items... tim hortons iced coffee drinks with mold floating on the top of them [several] and the BO smell as he wouldn't care for himself.

back to mom again... In fact.. I cleaned out his room 4 times & gave him a fresh start- new bed- mattress.. bedding.. everything & it didn't seem to matter.

These are things you said... and this is the information we have had to go on... from your posting it sounds like he was very spoiled and that he has some several mental health issues.... yet you mention nothing about consequences, chores, or mental health help... We can only go off of your words for offering advice... we aren't mind readers.

Bottom line though... come November you no longer have to hold any responsibility for what he does or does not do w/ his life. He can sink or swim... his choice.

Shurlee - posted on 08/04/2015

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Well.. needless to say I cant sum up 17years on this one blog... so yes I've tried to take everything away from this kid- and yes he's been to about 5 counselors - I have done EVERYTHING and working in Law ENFORCEMENT- I am well aware of how to raise a healthy child-as for the negative comments.... why bother posting? I am clearly a mom who needs some support- not on here to be mad & look bad.

Jodi - posted on 08/04/2015

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I'm curious as to why you think putting him in a shelter was a solution, but taking away his laptop and access to the internet was not? But having him see a counsellor was not?

Dove - posted on 08/04/2015

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Sounds like he could have benefited from some counseling and guidance and not so much spoiling YEARS ago.... but you didn't and now he is almost 18... Tell your sister that what she does or does not do w/ him is her business. If she doesn't want to be in the middle she can simply tell him no... there are laundromats available for him to wash his clothes.

You failed him when he was younger by giving him everything and expecting nothing, but now that he is about to be 18 it is going to have to be up to him to be in charge of his life and make something of himself... or not.

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