Stressed soon to be Step-Mom

Skye - posted on 06/22/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I've taken on 2 soon to be SK about 4 years ago and the behaviors of lack of disrespect, and ill values are weighing thin on me. I have two of my own and one with my fiance. The mother of the SK is recently being released from Jail and since this whole time she has done nothing but make my position harder due to the anger she has for my fiance. The children honestly know right from wrong but are used to a life that they are able to do what ever they please and still get rewarded for bad behavior. Its even harder due to my fiance not really being the disciplinarian as he should and when he should when they are doing and have done things that are wrong. Ex: The ex wife sent my SD a phone she is only 11 and i believe firmly in allowing a child to grow up to soon or give too much just because the rest of the world is doing it. She has had history of doing inappropriate things on her tablet and now a phone. The Ex has yet to come to me like a woman and talk about her children's behavior or why they create stories of me being mean. She really dont know what she is in for when they go back with her. My SD really has it bad about creating issues that arent there or saying im mean when im disciplining her due to her careless behavior, wanting to eat everything in site, stealing, lying, etc. She plays the victim and says i treat her different than my 8 year old(whom she is jealous of). She never takes care of anything she receives or cherishes it. She begged for an ipod for Christmas and like a fool her brother bought her one and lost it within 2 months of having it. She blamed my 2 year old of throwing it in the trash. SMH!! She has nothing on a hanger everything is stuffed in the dirty clothes basket(even clean) and a duffle bag. She walks around saying her favorite show is " ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK" WTH...

My SS is not as bad but can be with the whimpy and lazyness of not wanting to clean up or take out the trash.


With my fiance working most of the time the responsibility is put on me and its like he is scared of CPS or they mom...but its my house and its supposed to be my safe haven not a hell shack.

I can go on and on BUT im just tired. Although my finace has full custody im just ready for them to go back with their mom because she has created them to be something she is really going to dislike if she really cares. I have my two girls that i have to think about and i dont want them acting anything like them.

I've threatened to leave if things dont change. Whats sad is that i know they love me but its like they are fighting it because of their mom. Since im younger than her she feels i am incapable of whatever she is feeling. Help!

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Michelle - posted on 06/23/2016

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Maybe you need to have a bit of a separation. He needs to realize that HE needs to be Dad and back you up when he isn't there and you have had to discipline.
Unless he sees what he is doing wrong, nothing will change. Maybe him having to do it all on his own will wake him up.

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2016

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I agree with Evelyn. Dad needs to step up and be a Father and not leave it all to you. Working long hours isn't an excuse. It should have been discussed long before now as well.
There needs to be house rules that all the children have to live by and the same consequences for all of them.
Counselling will help the 2 of you get on the same page if he is willing to change. If not then it may be best for everyone for you to separate.

Ev - posted on 06/22/2016

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I get that you have the best interests of his kids at heart but I see a lot of red flags in this and one is communication.
Did you ever talk to him about setting up rules for ALL the kids and consequences for those broken? If he has not stepped up four years ago to discipline his kids then he is not about to since he has left it to you. His working a lot is not a valid reason to leave all this to you either. He needs to step in when he is at home with you guys.
Did you ever get on the kids' level and bond with them somewhat because they are coming from a situation that mom has been to jail and is coming out and its not going to be easy for them to adjust to the situation because their lives have been full of changes since they were so little? I am not excusing this as a reason for their behaviors but it can play a big part in it.
If you knew this was the case four years ago, why did you have another child to add to this family if you guys can not seem to get it together with the older two of his kids? Is it fair to bring more kids into the household when you guys do not seem ready to handle the kids that are there already.
I suggest family and couple counseling for certain. You guys need to be on the same page with everything in raising the kids.
Wishing for the kids to be returned to mom is not going to solve the problem but only hide it until the kids return for a visit or something. You are going to have to learn to deal with it and go on or as you suggested---leave which is not fair to your child you have had with him.

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Skye - posted on 06/22/2016

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It's been discussed but it's just the little things. Ex Sd on the last day of school stole someone's ipod. She came home and bragged that she found it to my sister. When the school called my fiance he confronted my sd and she said she forgot to give it back. I had to go return the ipod to the parent and asked the student what happend. Long story short my sd planned to take the ipod and assumed the student wouldn't realize it was missing. My SD didnt get any type of punishment for this. Had this been my 8yr old she would have personally gave it back and apologized to the student and parent.

I've expressed that working long hours does not exuse his parent position and he decided to get full custody of them. If its going to be all on me then there should not be an argument when I'm getting on to them. He says I'm a little more aggressive than others but I'm firm and i mean what i say.

Skye - posted on 06/22/2016

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Thank you Evelyn. I understand about communication first. I truly did not know he did not dicipline his children as it seemed. The more they were around me in the beginning i noticed the bad habits of not cleaning after themselves and constantly behaving with so much Anger. Yes, there have been many bonding moments as i have been more than fair with taking that adjustment in their lives serious. It has not been bad every day of these 4 years but the build up of fussing about the same things are just weighing thin.

Yes the rules have been laid out to everyone and he does step in but the enforcement isn't followed through unless he has really upset.

I totally agree with counceling. I wish the best for the children but now that mom is out the trouble has started and i feel if that's who they want to be with so bad then they can be with her. In the future if they visit then they will have to change. Thank you for your insight...i don't feel so crazy knowing majority of this is true.

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