Strong willed child..........

Abbie - posted on 04/19/2009 ( 74 moms have responded )

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Our son who is 12.5 months old, is overly strong willed. The reason I say this is...... he must be with me all the time! If he knows I am home he must be with me. I can't go to the bathroom with out him; I can't leave him for a second....... not even to toss a diaper in the trash get a pop......nothing or he freaks. He will throw a bit of a fit if I leave the house but then after a few mintues he is fine. But tonight he was horrible so we left him in his highchair until he stopped crying; it took 45 mintues. He will go to Daddy but wants me all the time.



Is there anyone out there that can help us to show him that just because I am not with him constantly that it is ok. I don't believe this is separation anxiety either; this has been a growing problem for the last 5 month. Also note he is really bad at others homes; with the exception of of grammas where he goes for daycare. But he screamed all through Easter until we left. Any advice would be great, I am starting to think that its something I have done. Also note: I am not one to run to him at the drop of a hat. I am trying to teach him to be ok with out me..........ITS NOT WORKING!

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~Jennifer - posted on 04/20/2009

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He's probably 'freaking' because he knows that you're still in the home rather than having left all together. My kids were the same way....cried if I left the house, but stopped after a few minutes - but completely inconsolable if they knew i was still in the house, just in a different room. Probably because ( or as it seems to me), I never left them with anyone else. They were so used to me being there that they didn't understand why I wasn't paying total attention to them.
What I did was make a game of it. I'd leave the room for a few seconds, and then come dancing back through with a big bear in front of my face....or a blanket....anything to hide 'me'. Then I'd do the 'peek-a-boo' thing and run back out of the room. I'd make a lot of noise - " I'm right here!" / "where's Mommy?" and then pop back into the room - "boo!" etc....until I got them laughing. Every time I left the room, I'd pop right back...then leave again, a little longer each time, but reassuring them that I was still 'right there'. Getting them to laugh was the thing. They started to expect me to leave and them pop back in and do something stupid and entertaining. After a while they would yell 'boo' and I'd pop back in on their call.
Took a week or so with each one for them to understand that I was still there, but it worked.
Just try doing something that will make him laugh. Leaving the room and then dancing back through- pick him up, dance him around the room, put him down, and go out of the room, come back and dance him around again. ....anything that makes it 'fun' rather than 'traumatic'
I would suggest, however, making use of a play pen rather than a high chair. At least in the play pen, he can have toys to play with and be a bit safer. (He also won't be able to play the 'gravity game' and drop toys to the floor that he needs you to recover for him, thus giving him another reason to cry)
Good luck!

Mbass - posted on 04/23/2009

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I think you are doing a fine job of sorting through motherhood without the manual. I didn't get one either! This may turn a lot of stomachs, too, but my oldest son (at 2 years old) had a tantrum in the store when I refused to buy him something (I can't remember now -- he's 15). He fell down on the floor kicking a screaming. I walked away (always keeping a close eye on him). He had to decide whether screaming to get his way was worth the POSSIBILITY of mama walking away. It wasn't. I have always let my boys know that they cannot shame or embarrass me to act in any particular way in public. If anything, I will embarass them. I have often been applauded by others in public for addressing concerns immediately. It is best to handle each situation when it presents itself or else the child will be confused. The tantrum started in the high chair, it should finish in the high chair. This is a consequence that is relevant and appropriate. Children at this age understand modeling, not reasoning.

My boys are both honor students who openly love God and have a great respect for others. My husband and I are always being praised for having such well behaved young men. Of course, I'm looking back over the last 15 years and there were tactics that I used at times that I thought may not have been the best at the time. You learn from these incidents and you move on. One thing is for sure -- discipline is the most difficult part of parenting but it is integral to raising a well rounded individual who understands that life is a continuous series of limits and guidelines. The younger your child learns this, the better off he will be. Hang in there, mom. You are doing just fine.

Marsha Bass, MS Ed.
www.educationcoffeehouse.com
A trusted source on the web since 1999

Rachel - posted on 04/20/2009

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Quoting Emily:

Its not unnecessary. Leaving your child to scream unattended for 45 minutes is borderline abuse. Separation anxiety is normal in that age. My son went through it too. He's 15 months old, and just growing out of it. I never felt the need to "teach" him with abuse and neglectfulness. If thats how you raise your child, please dont ever have a kid again.


IF THATS HOW YOU RAISE YOUR CHILD, PLEASE DONT EVER HAVE A KID AGAIN.



It's statements like this that really piss people off!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who the hell do you think you are???? Honsetly think before you say things, this mother has asked for advice and you have'nt given any at all, all you have done is give stupid nasty comments like the one above. If your son went through this then give helpful advice dont throw around stupid nasty comments like you have been. Grow up and either offer your help or dont bother replying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Veronique - posted on 04/24/2009

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the reason its not working,is that u feeding his anxiety problems.I had the same problem.now...lets attack the problem!!!



no1: when u go somewhere in the house,tell him where you are going.

no2:start leaving him for short periods of time.5 minutes to start with...and do it evryday.

no3: after a month of doing the 5 minute routine,u can start going for 15 minutes,after another month,u can start leaving for an hour....u get the point...LOOOOL

no4: never leave a child in a highchair unatended...ive seen children the same age as ur son that have figured out how to get out of their chair...ive seen broken arms and legs...its a really bad idea...if ur son is still using a crib,i strongly suggest that u put him in his crib when he does a tantrum and give him a toy he really loves...if he is still screaming after 20 minutes,(believe me he wont remember why he is sceaming)put him some music,musical therapy is proven to help and calm children.



my son had the separation anxiety,the technique i just wrote u,worked with my 2 sons..my first son had seperation anxiety and my second son had tantrum problems,music solved the problem!!!



i believe in trying evrything and anything imaginably possible to try to make our lives as parents the best possible!!!



good luck!!!

Lisa - posted on 04/23/2009

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Whew, Much good advice here. First off, yes Emily, beware the uninformed advice. I was accused of having post partum depression when I went to my pediatrician in tears when I could not quiet my 4 week old son who cried all the time. The baby's father also made judgemental remarks (thankfully my OB who had known me for years recognized colic and the stress it puts on a new mom). I had lots of people giving the kind of "advice" Emily gave...until those people decided to "show" me how to deal with my son by taking him for a while. His father lasted all of 3 hours before he called me at work and told me, "He needs to go to daycare or something, all he does is cry and I can't handle this."

Luke has grown into a very strong willed child. We went through the clinginess and the hysterical crying that made me feel awful for needing any personal time at all...here's the best thing about kids...they continue to grow and they change! I agree with the posts above that getting some books that address dealing with a strong willed child, particularly, "Taming a strong willed child without breaking their spirit."

I don't have specific advice, but wanted to offer support and encouragement. Time, as they say, heals all things. Well, it might just change them, not make them go away, but as he matures, he will begin to understand that you always return.



Good luck to you. Asking for assistance is always the best course of action and remember that there is no ONE BEST WAY to raise a child...Emily, your hubris may come back to bite you in the kiester!

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Tammy - posted on 08/14/2012

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Well, we all know what it means to "assume" something of someone! People need to think before they type on here! Anyway, I agree, the drama isn't necessary. We are on here for assistance/advice (friendly advice) from parent-to-parent. We shouldn't be "reactive" but "proactive" :) I'm currently dealing with my strong-willed 3 year old daughter. I looked at the book "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child - 3rd Edit." at Chapters this eve for some helpful hints. I'm considering purchasing the book to refer back to when needed. My daughter is very intellectual, beautiful, funny, charming, and challenging! I've had to stop myself from having "arguements" with a 3 year old many times, reminding myself that she is JUST 3 years old! I try to give "positive reinforcement" as much as possible but...I am human as well....I am always learning patience or lack there of at times ;) I try to ignore her outbursts/whining/sulking and focus on her positive behaviour/tasks/etc. It's not always easy to do so. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I set limits/rules in the house (we have 4 children to raise) and we expect these rules to be followed. We are firm in our voices, trying not to scream or shout at our children. No means no, they can try as much as they can to get us to cave but....if we stick together, it goes pretty smoothly. I still cave every now and then (we all have our moments of weakness). I like to say I'm a "proud" parent of a strong-willed child :) We all have our ups and downs but all-in-all....Parentiing is one of the most challenging yet REWARDING job there is! :) I loosely say "job", as it is part of our lifestyle! Emily was just reacting to something she took at "face value" rather than looking deeper into the issue or considering other circumstances surrounding the issue. Like Mel stated above, "no one is a perfect parent", no one should be accusing anyone else of anything....we are here to offer helpful advice to those in need and I, for one, am finding "most" of these posts on here to be very helpful :)
So thank you to all those parents out there who continue to offer support and who continue to try their best at raising wonderful children!

Jade - posted on 04/26/2009

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My daughter went through a stage similar to this, she would be devastated anytime I left the room and end up gagging because she was so worked up, even though I had come right back to her - she is a pretty strong willed toddler, so I totally feel for you. I tried to peek-a-boo and turned it into a game and she loved it. I found that she was the worst when she was teething or becoming unwell, at times not wanting to be put down at all or even letting go of my leg, so if I needed to get something done like hang out the washing, I would get down on her level and tell her we were going to play a game but I needed her help and I would show her how to pull the washing out of the machine and she would try and do it - we would clap and cheer at the end and then she would hand me the washing to hang up. It was the only way I could get things done and I still have to do it at times, although she is a lot better now. Hang in there, you'll have your hard days with it, but they get better and you learn different things for your little one that works for them.

All the best! :)

Laural - posted on 04/26/2009

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try reading the book "The strong willed child" by James Dobson. Once you overcome this there will be many more battles to contend with. My son was 2, having horrible tantrums-this book almost jumped into the grocery cart as I walked by. He's now 11 years old and I still refer to that book from time to time- It is awesome-AND it is Christian based. We don't have battles anymore, just conversations.

Anna - posted on 04/26/2009

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hiya, i totally understand how u feel, and the fact that someone felt the need to call it abuse is unfair and rude.



my eldest now nearly four was shocking almost from birth he was overly clingy and i had to carry him every where, he wudnt even go in his pushchair!



and my health visitor also told me to allow him to self settle, and it helped, i think alot of it is to do with personality as well, as my mum informed me that i was a very nervous and needy child, and i still am in a way now, my son is lot better now.



but there comes a time where u have to leave them some where safe (obivously) to scream it out before it gets to the point of pulling your hair out and losing your sanity.



and some people are lucky they have lots of support and help, i was alone with a clingy screaming child and at the point where i honestly believe he shud be with someone else who cud care for him better than myself, at that point i went to the gp and got treatment for pnd, and as soon as i realiseed it wasnt anything i had done it was just he's personality, that took so much pressure off, and now he is well adjusted and socialable, and he still needs lots of "mummy and aidan" time he is ok, and i am pleased to say i can now pee, and even have a shower completely by myself



good luck, it will get better



xx

User - posted on 04/25/2009

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hi...i think many kids r like that so dont worry...i completely relate to u when u put him in the high chair for 45 mins...i dont think its bad or its broderline abuse...u need to keep your sanity too and it doesnt do them any harm if they cry a bit.when he is bit older u can reason with him...try putting him in day care for aday or so ...my daughter was/is exactly the same..she's 20 months old now but much better..

Susan - posted on 04/25/2009

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This behavior can be very taxing on parents because no one likes the sound of a baby crying so much. But at the age of 1, your son is very attached to you as he's learning if he can trust you. He cries if you leave him because in his experience, you are gone.

And when he sees you, he's reassured. Tolerating separations from mommy is the baby's job at this age. You need to feel OK during these brief separations because it is good for your boy...he learns that even if you leave, you always come back. He gains mastery over his anxiety. So go ahead and throw out that diaper and get a can of pop and tell yourself, "He's fine...he's learning to trust me." And thank God it's just a phase!

Dawn - posted on 04/25/2009

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I really don't have any advice because it seems like you have gotten alot of great responses in the previous posts. What I do have is some encouragement. It all ready seems that you are on the right track from the updates you have sent in and I commend you for that. I am gald your child is getting better. I too had, and still have, a very strong willed child. When he was younger I did some of things you discussed and also received some wonderful help from my peditrician and state programs that are out there for these kinds of things. But this is what I wanted to let you know. My son is almost 4 years old now and don't get me wrong I still have my time with his strong willedness...his separation anxiety turned into this.... Now when I am away from him in the house doing chores or whatever and he is playing in his room or the playroom, when he feels the need to know where I am. He will yell at the top of his lungs "Mom!" and if I don't answer him right away he will continue to repeat this, "Mom!' Then when I finally answer him all he says as sweetly as can be is "I Love You!" and I reply back "I Love You, Too." and he goes right back to playing with whatever it is he was playing with. He does this throughout the day when I am not in his sight. It is the cutest thing but it makes him content to know that I am still around him somewhere... lol (It makes me smile every time he does it too.) This year he was put into a developmental preschool and he takes the bus on his own and is at his school for 3 hours a day, 4 days a week now and is doing great. I hope this helps you know that as they get older things do tend to get better and there is help out there. God Bless.

Beth - posted on 04/25/2009

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Separation is peaking at this age and that doesn't mean that you never leave him, BUT it does mean that you are sensitive to his need to be near you. This isn't anything you have done. It is a developmental step toddlers go through. The book the Emotional Life of Toddlers is a great one to read in order to understand what is going on in his head. After all he doesn't have enough language to tell you, except to cry and scream. Also this is the age of meltdowns and it is expected and normal. Don't freak out just calmly keep talking or holding him until he settles down or put him in his crib until you settle down.

Sandra - posted on 04/25/2009

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he totaly sees you as his safety net, when eva he feels alone thats when he will need you the most, your like his blankey that he needs to feel safe. you could try weening him off you by replacing yourself with something that he likes, or just ride it out until he grows out of it ,I know its really hard my daughter would not go to bed with out holding my hand until she went to sleep,it took along time but she slowly grew out of it,but in the mean time i was having to lay with her .good luck

Morag - posted on 04/25/2009

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Its just seperation anxiety. My little girl is 15 months and the same. But she has the added bonus of being aggresively jealous of anyone (even the cat) coming near me and taking her seat, my lap... shes also breastfed still and quite happily declares that they are her boobies and feeds up to 10x a day and I work 40+hours a week,... so shes almost constantly with me... shes on my lap asleep right now.

Leaving your son in the high chair will only make it worse... if you do leave him he's going to have more reason to worry... It does get better though I promise, and really 2 years is nothing... soon he'll quite happily run off and not want to spend time with his embaressing mother. I know my eldest is nealy 10.

It is ever so hard and exhausting though... I get so fustrated with my baby and sometimes I just want to run away. She is also very strong willed, wants everything she can't have and throws a screaming hissie fit when she can't have it (these are ok to ignore). But its different when she wants me, she just wants cuddles or for me to carry her and she is a lovely child then. Plus with working, she doesn't get to see me all day, so all she wants is to feel close and loved when she does... She misses me which is sweet.

Just give him lots of hugs, take him places with you, get him to help you put the diaper in the bin, make him more a part of your life in terms of him being an individual not just a baby to care for.

Carly - posted on 04/25/2009

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Being so rude to her is NOT helping her problem Emily.did'nt ur mothertech you if uy can 't say anthing nice don't day anythign ...this is a genuine problem and the group is for ppl to help each other NOT ABUSE each other...

User - posted on 04/25/2009

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hi i also have alittle boy like that and he ok with the childminder nana and me and hes like daddy as long as i am not there. if i walk in the room he want me but i jsut walk past say hello and get on with things.if he crys then i give a quick cuddle put him down and carry on. I also explain what i am doing and that he cant be with me,Try leaveing him with other people but do it in short burst for a while gradually getting longer, or try put him in a nursery for an hour or so as long as he knows you are comng back then it dose get better. If you have daddy around get him to more for him that seem to work in our house or.it will take time but keep trying.Just think at 10 he want his froends not mummy!good luck x

Candice - posted on 04/25/2009

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Quoting Emily:

Its not unnecessary. Leaving your child to scream unattended for 45 minutes is borderline abuse. Separation anxiety is normal in that age. My son went through it too. He's 15 months old, and just growing out of it. I never felt the need to "teach" him with abuse and neglectfulness. If thats how you raise your child, please dont ever have a kid again.



congratulations on being the only mom in the world who never had to put their child down in a safe place and take a break. you are the most amazing woman i ever met.



unfortunately, you are also rude, judgemental, and unhelpful in a forum designed for helping eachother.  if that's how YOU raise YOUR child, please don't ever have a kid again.



 

Laura - posted on 04/24/2009

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To the original poster...you have received some great advice on here, and I am glad that your son seems to be adjusting well! Sorry you had to read some of the inappropriate remarks of some on here...

To everyone else: Regarding Emily's first comment. It's as easy as clicking the "Flag as inappropriate" link option in the upper right hand corner of everyone's response. Simple as that.

Carrie - posted on 04/24/2009

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I am a strong willed person, however your comment lacks any helpful point. Two frustrated people amount to what? Nothing good, if you don't know how to control the situation or what to do to make the situation better.

Carrie - posted on 04/24/2009

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I hate people making smart comments. How many kids do you have anyway? My daughter is the same way , and I'd rather leave her in a high chair, than to loose my cool on her. at least she's safe and I can get a moment of body space myself.

[deleted account]



Quoting Carys:

It takes an intelligent child with a strong personality to be stubborn continuously, so when your little one drives you nuts, remember that.





 



What great advice! I have never heard that but it is so reassuring to me.

Carys - posted on 04/24/2009

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It would appear that I was a tremendously strong willed child, and my mam thinks it's hilarious that we're going through exactly the same as she did with me! I told mam about your situation, and her positive point about it is some advice she was given when I was at my worst: It takes an intelligent child with a strong personality to be stubborn continuously, so when your little one drives you nuts, remember that. Your child won't be a timid idiot without character as he grows up!

Shelly - posted on 04/24/2009

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Emily, who said the child was left unattended? I've had to do this same thing with my own daughter at bedtime. For 30 minutes, she would lay in bed screaming and crying because she felt like I had to be there with her at all times. I was never out of earshot, and I ALWAYS had my eye on her to make sure she stayed in bed and wasn't up doing something that could cause her to hurt herself. If the child was left unattended for 45 minutes, then yes, I can see that as being abusive, but I highly doubt that is the fact in this case.

Taryn - posted on 04/24/2009

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There is nothing wrong with a strong willed child. The pediatrician told me that she would be worried if my daughter weren't strong willed but compliant all the time. I know it is tough right now, with your son clinging on for dear life to your leg. He will learn, with a little coaxing, that it is ok to be with other people other than his wonderful, loving, fun, light of his life mother. If you breastfed, you have to remember he was attached to you for the first 6 months of his life (at least). Just because your child can now get around on his own, doesn't mean he is quite ready to do so. Patience. He will gain the confidence to be without you in time. Cherish this time. Don't praise the behavior, but don't let him see you stressed either. When you are stressed about a given situation, it radiates onto the child making him feel as though there is reason to be stressed and uneasy when you aren't there. He is young yet, give him some time. Your child is nothing other than a mommy loving, normal child. He will be just fine. :)

my niece was like this at around a year old. You couldn't even look at her without tears welling up in her eyes, and now she is 17 months old and very independent, bright and happy. She still looks to mommy for comfort, but what mommy doesn't want to be loved just a little more that everyone else deep down in side? good luck!!

Jodie-marie - posted on 04/24/2009

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may be not in a high chair but you did the right thing and i say not in a high chair because you might find they wont want to go in there a gen but it is not neglect it is the same thing the super nanny dos with the nourty point and when did she say that her child was on there one just on a thinkikg step put them in the hall way were they can not harm them self untill they carm down

Lisa - posted on 04/24/2009

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have you looked at a sensory processing issue? Talk to your primary care, or look on line for tips. It is not you. You can also have him evaluated for SPD. Or maybe he just REALLY loves mommy. I do not think it is you. good luck

[deleted account]

I'm glad that you are having success with your problem. My son was very attached to me when he was really little. I would place him in his exersaucer while I made dinner and he would get so upset because I ws not holding him. Once he started walking, he did a lot better. He has only recently started to run to daddy and hug him when he gets home. Now that he is 2 I can leave him in one room and go pee or even take a shower (I leave the bathroom door open so I can hear more and he can get to me if he needs too).

Alethea - posted on 04/24/2009

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Something else you can try is standing next to him in a mirror. Pointing out that you are mommy and he is him. Some kids don't think they are a separate person from their mom(or dad) theor own identity of themselves are completely linked with yours. A good and useful book or set of books to buy are The First Year and there is also The Second Year i recieved as gifts. They were always my go to book when I was questioning something. Also there are parent news e-mails and groups with actual doctors giving advice you can cross referance the books with. Huggies and Pampers each have one and Nestles a bunch more too. Hang in there, and ofcourse it never hurts to hear from real parents.

Mel - posted on 04/23/2009

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thanks to Rashelle Reid shes right people will be afraid to come on here for advice if others are just going to insult them. please everyone respect everybody elses views. to the poster of this q your doing great. dont let anyone tell you otherwise!

Misty - posted on 04/23/2009

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My yooungest child is similar not as bad though, so I can understand. As for Emily - Not that I or the mom who request help has ever left a child crying alone, but any dr will tell you that if a child's crying get's to be too much you should walk away for a couple minutes to compose yourself - It help reduce child abuse.

Teri - posted on 04/23/2009

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I have a grandson who does this. He is fine when mom is not around, like if she actually leaves to go somewhere he will cry or whine for a little bit and then he is ok. When she comes home it is back to crying again. He has not been without mom for long periods of time and that, i believe is what teaches him to react this way. There was not a whole lot of mingling with other people. He will stand at the bathroom door and cry/scream while she showers. It is very chaotic, but we deal with it. I would say to find someone who can handle this and practice leaving for a while and have the other person calmly tell the baby you will be back and show up. Reiterate that "see, Mommy said she would return"...do you get what I mean? Like everyone else says, it is separation anxiety as he is prob used to you being around all the time. Take some time away from him to show him you will always come back.

Rica - posted on 04/23/2009

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STRONG WILLED CHILD VS. STRONG WILLED MOM???

Who is in control? Our kids is the best teacher of who we are. Look in the mirror.

Carys - posted on 04/23/2009

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Hi! How's it going with the separation anxiety? I couldn't believe how difficult it was, but it passed, and now my son has no issues. I suspect that most children go through it, but it's no comfort when you're struggling to cope. Stay firm and steadfast, and your little one will learn that you're always there for him even if your not physically next to him.

Take care

User - posted on 04/23/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:

He's probably 'freaking' because he knows that you're still in the home rather than having left all together. My kids were the same way....cried if I left the house, but stopped after a few minutes - but completely inconsolable if they knew i was still in the house, just in a different room. Probably because ( or as it seems to me), I never left them with anyone else. They were so used to me being there that they didn't understand why I wasn't paying total attention to them.
What I did was make a game of it. I'd leave the room for a few seconds, and then come dancing back through with a big bear in front of my face....or a blanket....anything to hide 'me'. Then I'd do the 'peek-a-boo' thing and run back out of the room. I'd make a lot of noise - " I'm right here!" / "where's Mommy?" and then pop back into the room - "boo!" etc....until I got them laughing. Every time I left the room, I'd pop right back...then leave again, a little longer each time, but reassuring them that I was still 'right there'. Getting them to laugh was the thing. They started to expect me to leave and them pop back in and do something stupid and entertaining. After a while they would yell 'boo' and I'd pop back in on their call.
Took a week or so with each one for them to understand that I was still there, but it worked.
Just try doing something that will make him laugh. Leaving the room and then dancing back through- pick him up, dance him around the room, put him down, and go out of the room, come back and dance him around again. ....anything that makes it 'fun' rather than 'traumatic'
I would suggest, however, making use of a play pen rather than a high chair. At least in the play pen, he can have toys to play with and be a bit safer. (He also won't be able to play the 'gravity game' and drop toys to the floor that he needs you to recover for him, thus giving him another reason to cry)
Good luck!



I think that this is a brilliant idea, and would be what most professionals in child development would recommend.  It may take days, weeks or even a month depending on your child but eventually doing things like this pays off.

Lisa - posted on 04/23/2009

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i remember my son going throught the same thing at that age. you know what i did the same thing, if he was crying he was breathing and he got the message that being bratty was not going to cut it- and he still knows exactly where he stands- i have to because he is so strong willed. i love my child and i can take him anywhere and he is a well behaved and well mannered little boy. abuse and neglet have been thrown around very willy nilly here. obviously you had it easy. kiddies from little know how to get what they want and it cannot always be so- they need to learn patience. i am sure that that mommy was never going to put the child in danger and it will pay off in the end. good on the rest of the mommys who gave really good advice. what a precious tool. we are all yearning to be the best mommys we can be- people dont need to be brought down for doing something that seemed the right thing to do at the time. each child is different and we, as much as them are learning- lets use this forum for what it is- not to belittle others

[deleted account]

Please always try to keep comments and set advice suggestions as people will become afraid to use the forum to get advice when it's needed. I respect that many of you have issues with the baby being left unattended and I'm sure the person who posted this comment didn't feel too great about either. However, she was in a position where she knew what she was doing wasn't working and didn't know what else to try.



She knows it wasn't the best thing to do and has come here to try to find some constructive advice so she doesn't need to resort to this again!



I do beleive that the behaviour your child is displaying at the moment is what is commonly referred to as "Seperation Anxiety" This happens when children develop a fear that their caregiver won't return when they go away

I also beleive that this is normal childhood behaviour and labelling it sometimes intensifies the problem.

Your son is at the normal age for this behaviour to start and there are a few things you could try to ease him through this gently. Here's a few ideas:-



Get him involved in something fun.

Tell him in advance what you're planning to do 10 mins in advance i.e.going to the toilet

(If it's something bigger like leaving him at afriend's house - build it up for a few days in advance)

Let him know you'll continue speaking to him while you're away and make sure you do.

Tell him how long you'll be away.

When you return make a big fuss of how well he done and how mummy will always come back when she goes away.



I found that by letting my kids know exactly what was happening and preparing them for it they were happy and secure and never experienced any problems when I had to leave them.



Hope this helps and please remember most of us here want to help not to judge.



Hope it helps.

Petro Leandra - posted on 04/23/2009

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Sometimes children need to have a fit on their own and see that you don't respond, so they learn what behavior is wrong. Otherwise they push you and get bad mannered. the point is you did not abandoned him. you left him to sort himself out. That works. I did it a couple times with my daughter too. When se visits her father she gets away with crying for everythin and getting it. I tell her that I am going to do the washing and she waits for me. She plays in her room now -alone. You have to be realistic.

Good luck!

Abbie - posted on 04/23/2009

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Here we are on Thrusday, and he is doing much better. He is playing on the floor by himself right now, and we ar emaking progress. Yesterday I ran to the garage with out him, and normally I would come in and he would be standing at the door crying. Yesterday he looked at me like OH you're back! With a smile on his face. :) I stand behind my decision of keeping him in his chair while pitching a fit. We are still working with him on the up and down on the chair ( sitting on our laps) where he gets down and whines to get back up, if he doesn't it too much I just let him sit on the floor ( suppose I'll get yelled at my Emily on that one too!) But he is getting better about not making a game of it.



I have to say I am very happy with our progress. I do enjoy my time with our son! But I also enjoy the time he wants Daddy. My husband is very active with our son, he gets up everyother morning with him for their time, they do breakfast and play. Its a great way to start the day for them.



Anyway thank you all for your encouraging words. Except Emily who just likes to be mean and harsh...... I wonder if she says that stuff to her kids? Anyway, thank you to all who were helpful!!! I'll keep you posted for a little longer on our progress!

Petro Leandra - posted on 04/23/2009

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Well, it might seem bad to leave your child to cry for times, but sometimes I think it helps. My daughter is 3 years old and grew out of her strong will to be me all times. I have a new boyfriend now and she has learned that it is unapropriate to come into the bathroom while one of us in in the tub. And what did I do? I talked and explained it, and if she cried I left her to think about it. I think they also need to know that mom is not always going to run if they make a sound, because the abuse the privelage later on. I have been there, and then you get a very unmannered child. They need to learn to solve problems themselves aswell. That makes them independant.

Anyway, you didn't leave him there untill he passed out from crying did you?

So yeah, the rudeness is not asked for.

Laurel - posted on 04/23/2009

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The best way to cure it is with self confidence and lead by example. If you want to go to the bathroom and he wants to come along you may have to just say something like "I need to go to the bathroom, you have to wait out here for me" (with confidence) then do it close the door let him cry and bang on it and when you are done sya something like "I am done now, that wasn't so bad" (with confidence) and praise the good job of waiting no matter how hard he cried. And whatever you do, do not coddle him after. A hug is okay but no picking up unless he is not crying.

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2009

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Im glad your son is doing better now! :) Bumps to everyone that shut Emily up....that is the rudest thing someone could possably write to a mom in need.

[deleted account]

I had this with my son as well, he would cry if I put him in his activity table or if i put him on a mat to play with toys. He would go to his Dad briefly before wanting me (that all changed after my partner had a time off work).

He still does this from time to time but not as much.

I used the same technique as what Jennifer Maivia posted and that helped.

Natasha - posted on 04/22/2009

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Emily - did she EVER say the child was left unattended?? NO!!! Maybe you should read the post first before you start being rude to people you dont even know... havent you heard that old saying 'if you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all?'

Kathryn - posted on 04/22/2009

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Well doesn't someone think they're clever?! Thanks for not helping AT ALL Emily! If you can't say anything productive don't even bother.
I also suggest you try moving away little by little and trying to distract bubs as best you can. My 8 month old does something similar but not quite as bad so I totally understand how hard it is. (Unlike some ignorant people, please don't take any notice of her post.) All my love to you, I know it's hard, good luck!

Jinglebones - posted on 04/22/2009

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Relax - totally normal - I know how frustrating this can be but one day he will want to be with only daddy and you will mourn these days. Separation anxiety peaks at 12months - my advise is not to fight it. There is nothing wrong with your child or you; actually, it is a positive sign that tells you he has thoroughly bonded with you. I have 2 boys ages almost 5 and 27 months and my younger one still totally prefers me all of the time. I am a SAHM so I guess that is part of it, and I breastfed til he was 21 months. I did the same with my older one and he now only wants to be with daddy - I really miss the days when he would not go to anyone but me. Developmentally it is normal and healthy. A pain for you, I know. I have spent many a time on the toilet balancing a toddler on my lap. Give yourself breaks - as frequent as you need, but know that this is just a developmental phase. I always picture the time in my mind when they won't want to be seen in public with me and then I am able to pick him up once again and balance him on my hip while I change the laundry or whatever. You are his whole world - enjoy the moment!

Renee - posted on 04/22/2009

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Sounds like a bit of both Stranger danger phase and separation Anxiety.Both are very normal for this age...consistency and patience is the only advice I can offer.

My first had both really bad. He would hide under the table at other peoples houses & he wouldn't even go with his dad much.. but with a lot of love & understanding things will pick up. At this age they are scared because they can not picture or understand the concept of the fact you just went into the other room. To them you just vanished without warning & are fightened U aren't coming back. Communication is the key here.....a lot of talk of where you are(we are in the kitchen together etc...) this way they develop a internal map of the house and eventually you will be able to go to the toilet without a hassel alone.

Emily's comments were too sarcastic and not helpful,yet leaving a child in a hairchair for 45 minutes is not the best solution.I say this out of experience because my third son had a tantrum in his high chair...I had to go to the loo & was only gone 5 minutes, but that's all it took. He ended up fliping the chair backwards and splitting his head open.

We all make mistakes....we learn and are better for them. No bodies perfect.

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2009

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Emily Burlingame, totally uncalled for. Really get over yourself, heaven forbid we should all be so perfect. The idea of this site is to help one another not to criticize. Get off your high horse and realise that sometimes we (mothers) don’t always do the right thing but we are all trying our best. This mom obviously cares for her child or she would not be asking for advice.



As for the problem, I also went through the same with my son, I found that he was always clinging to me and wouldn’t go to his dad, however he saw me all day and his dad only in evenings after work. We noticed after a family holiday, where dad was around full time, it helped and he was happy to go to his dad. We now try to have as many dad and son outings and activities which has made a huge improvement, also gives you some time to yourself as all moms need a break at one time or another. Hope this helps and that you don’t take those awful comments from Emily to heart, I hope she will not be so critical of the mistakes her children may make as she was of you.

Mary - posted on 04/22/2009

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Hi. I am a grandmother raising my very strong willed granddaughter, I have 6 grown children of my own, and its not easy. I was recommended a book called "Parenting the strong-willed child" and it sure seemed to help. Also "Have a new Kid by Friday" is suppose to be a good one. Both are written by doctors. I haven't had a chance to get to the last one yet but am working on it. Sounds to me like you are a good mom and trying hard to deal with a tough situation. Keep up the good work.

Rene - posted on 04/22/2009

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Yeah I think Emily is being rather harsh, I had a colic child and pretty much lost it like you and left him in a swing in the other room but I did not leave him very long. I have neices the same way and my sister has a 2 year old that is awful at times and was worse at your sons age. Now that she has learned to play on her own with toys she is much more content. I recommend picking up a book on strong willed children there is one by James Dobson that is good and there are others, you can get them on Half.com really cheap. I would start teaching him how to play sit with him and find out what his favorite toys are like action figures and cars are a big hit with toddler boys if you sit with him and he starts to get it he will let you walk away because he will want to play on his own, it may be still a little early but there is HOPE. And as for blaming yourself please don't listen to the last post that was cruel your asking for help and I applaud you for that and at least you didn't leave him somewhere he could get hurt my cousin puts her daughter in the crib with this crib cover so she can't jump out and lets her cry so just ask for lots of advice.

Mel - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Nichelle:

Eeesh...I though these boards were supposed to be helpful. I think with reactions like some I've read here, I dont think I'd want to ask for help from anybody here for fear of being attacked.


Nichelle, its only the minority of people that do this one being Emily, she does it to everyone so please dont be discouraged by comments from her. sometime it gets to you if your personally involved in the convo but please just disregard any bad nasty responses :)

Nichelle - posted on 04/21/2009

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Eeesh...I though these boards were supposed to be helpful. I think with reactions like some I've read here, I dont think I'd want to ask for help from anybody here for fear of being attacked.

Sara - posted on 04/21/2009

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Emily : your comments are rude and inappropriate. Make sure you know what the definition of abuse and neglect is before you make accusations. That is very hurtful to hear as a parent...and last I checked, no baby ever died from crying.

Mel - posted on 04/20/2009

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i agree ignore the bad comments and try the good ones! if you did go to him EVERY time he cries, pick him up etc he WILL be even more horrible and dependant on you. so glad that he is improving great to hear :)

Mary - posted on 04/20/2009

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Quoting [no name]:

Thank you to everyone who as been helpful. As far as Emily the snotty mother of 2 poor kids....... Emily my son was not left alone in his chair. He started his fit in the chair for NO reason. We continued to have the meal with him in his chair, never ONCE was he left alone. He was in the room with myself, his father, his aunt, his uncle ( who for your information does child protection for a livng and has for 12 years!!!!) He was very supportive in this action and also the therapist for the county he works with says that what we did was a good idea. So as far as you assuming he was alone. GO TO HELL! MY child is never left alone or put in danager; Im am a very good Mom, and surely no loud mouth over opionated chick is going to insult my parenting skills.

Anyway thank you for the ones that have replied and helped me here. I would like to report that even today not jumping to his every cry and whine we have seen an improvement in him. He plays better and isn't watching for my every move.



 



Good for you standing up for yourself!!  You have a lot of good advice here.  Toss out the bad and try some of the other tips.  Emily needs to pull in her reigns and get off her high horse and learn to read a little better.  Just ignore the ignorant!





 

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