Struggling with a new addition, my nephew. HELP!!!!

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

I am a mother of two, my daughter is 9 and my son is 6. Recently I have taken in my 3 year old nephew. First off this is something new for me because both of my kids are in school. While my kids are in school, I work and go to school. Well the problem I have is he doesn't know anything, but NO. He is not potty trained. He can't count, say his ABC's, his name or age. NOTHING! and when I try and teach him, sometimes he starts off saying it with me and most of the time he says NO. I am trying to put him in headstart in August. Therefore he needs to be potty trained and at least know something. I started potty training him, and it has been hell. Because everytime I ask him if he has to pee he says no and then pees on himself. So I put him on the toilet evey 45 min to an hour. He will not tell me if he has to pee. I feel that if a child can tell you they peed and boo boo and bring you a diaper. you need to be going to the toilet. He told my husband I need a new diaper. I started teaching my kids things when they came out of my womb. I would sing to them, read to them, and when they would talk baby talk I would talk back to them as if I was holding a conversation with an adult. My doctor said it was a good way to improve there speech and vocabulary, and he was right. But how do you start with a child who is stubburn and needs to be trained from scratch. Should I get him evaluated, to see if there are any mental issues. I feel that his mother has handicapped him. She has spoiled him to the point where he doesn't know or want to do anything. He wants you to hold him as if he is a baby. Today my kids had field day so he came with me and anytime someone tried to say hi to him or be nice he said move and no. You know how embarrassing that is. Then when he got home he asked for some cookies. I don't praise kids for being bad or disobedient. I understand that this is not his fault its his parents. PLEASE HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!!!!

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Wendy - posted on 03/08/2012

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Ya its hard to answer not knowing all there is to know about the child.....only you know....I would maybe start nameing his feelings for him, this has probibly not been done before...so when he is mad, sad, Happy, or frustrated trying something new, even point out your feelings ( im so happy you put your toys away) So eventualy he can put a name to his feelings.........I suggest this because he sounds like he is confused with his feelings and unsure how to react........As well you can start suggesting proper behaviour when feeling differant emotions....So for example when frustrated you can tell him he can come and ask for help......or Sad he can come for a cuddle..... Use all situatation as learning tools talk talk talk to him don't give him space (unless having a meltdown just untill he calms down enough to talk) untill you have figured out, what he is feeling and why, then give him choices of ways to express his emotions .....So for example as you stated above he was excited to see your son then got mad........you can try.....You were so excited to see ----- now you seem to be kinda mad is that right? Can you tell me why? if a response cool go from there...if no response offer choices (is it beacuse we won't see him for long and we will have to leave again? ) and go from there focusing on the positive ( being there for a time) Always offer choices of behaviour....you can be mad and sit here or come and have some fun with us i like it when you are happy it makes me happy..........sounds complicated but not at all simple stuff you have done with your kids naturaly progressively over time without even thinking........

Brittney - posted on 03/08/2012

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Your going to have to step back and look at the situation carefully. Take it one thing at a time. Potty training for him may be difficult, but dont let him know that your frustrated. Use cloth training pants during the day and take him to the potty every 30 minutes, 45 minutes, or an hour. When he is sitting on the potty, tell him that he is a big boy, going to go potty on the big potty. Reward him for good behavior and correct bad behavior. He needs a role model that can help him. Sing songs with him, read books to him. I understand you don't have a lot of time, but you cant rush these things.

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[deleted account]

@ Wendy, I will try that. and keeping trying. I'm not going to give up on him. @deborah, I am currently looking for patient pills, no luck so far. I was getting him off and on since he was two weeks old and then stopped when he turned one. My son had started to go to school all day and I decided to use that time to finish out my masters. Well recently his mother got into some trouble and therefore he had to come stay with me. He has been with me for about a month. He is use to me and my kids. I treat him like he is one of my kids. He is starting to get the hang of how things go in my home. From my understanding he did whatever he wanted with his mother and at my house I have rules. And that is new to him. Also I stay in Texas and he has to be potty trained in order to go to headstart. Also they do an evaluation to see where the child is at. My kids knew how to spell there name, count, say there ABC's and there colors. But all of that was over a period of 3 years. @Jen I am currently looking into getting him evaluated to see if there is something that I can do to make this process a little smoother for the both of us. THANKS LADIES

[deleted account]

It sounds like his parents did a terrible job. I would seek help from some parenting classes (not that you're a poor mother but he sounds like he'll need extra help and they may be able to offer tools for you to try.) Yes, get him evaluated. It can't hurt anything.

Deborah - posted on 03/08/2012

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Find some patience pills. If you come across them, PLEASE let me know...



because that's what it is going to take. How long has he been in your house? It is going to take a lot of time to change these things -- my daughter is 3 and she is pretty stubborn about consistency. She has a habit of asking over and over again for treats, and it usually takes me raising my voice to get her to stop asking.



Talk to him very softly, the quieter you talk, the more energy he has to spend to listen to what you are saying. Treat him as you treat your own -- talk to him like you expect him to talk to you, use the same methods of discipline that you use with your own kids. If you maintain your normal routine, he'll adapt to it. Kids are good at that.



I know it probably didn't, or won't, seem like it would do much good, but sit down with him and explain that things are different now. Explain that the rules are different and he has to learn them. Tell him he's a big boy who needs to learn the potty and all that kind of stuff. It doesn't seem to do much good with my son (2 this month) but I sit him down every once in a while and tell him stuff like that when he's in a calm state.



I do recommend having him evaluated, that sounds like a GREAT idea. And I don't know where you live but in Ohio, Headstart allows 3 year olds who aren't potty trained yet, so they'll help out with that. And having him around more 'mature' kids his age will also speed his development. My fiance's nephew has Downs Syndrome, and since he started going to school his vocabulary has increased, as well as his socialization skills -- it really has done wonders for him. So even if they won't let him in because of diapers, try to work with them and see if you can work out an alternative (like come in and be an aid a few days a week if your schedule allows...)



Good luck!

[deleted account]

He not only tells strangers no and move he tells everyone this. Sometimes I think he has a split personality because one minute he is happy and the next minute he is mad. On the way to field day he was happy and wanted to see my son and as soon as I got to the school and he saw him he got mad. When he gets mad i give him his space. Is that a good thing? I try and ask him whats wrong and he says no. How should I handle this situation if he is constantly telling, everyone no and move. What do I say to him when he does that? This situation is hard especially if you don't know everything the child has gone through. My mom watches him when I go to work and school and she says he does her the same way.

Wendy - posted on 03/08/2012

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I would say you need to remind yourself he has not had the advantage your children have with having a good mom...He will naturally with that disatvantage be slower to learn and anything you show him will take time.....Taking him in to raise him is a admirable thing, good for you......He should catch up no problem if there are no other isues...just dont assume there are mental isues off the hop remember his disatvantaged start.....Think about all the development thats done in the first cpl years..Wow its alot for him to catch up on.....Showing him love, support, patiance, should do the trick.....At the end of your post you say ( Today my kids had field day so he came with me and anytime someone tried to say hi to him or be nice he said move and no. You know how embarrassing that is. Then when he got home he asked for some cookies. I don't praise kids for being bad or disobedient.) I don't see this as bad or disobedient sorry sounds like bad social skills to me and there taught by observing parents in social situatations. They don't come naturaly......This would have been a good learning situatation for him by you explaining to him how to react safely to ppl saying hello....Im sure you did this but no punishment was necessary in my opinion...... If nobody has shown him how to react to social situatations how is he to know.......Good luck to you your kindness in taking him in is admirable

[deleted account]

Thanks Brittney. Ok. I need to learn to be a little more patient. I will try and praise him more. I usually tell him good job, you pee in the potty. I put him on underpants during the day and pull ups at night. When it comes to the other things, I guess I'm just trying to make sure he is ready for school. Therefore I will breath and take my time. Thanks brittney I needed that after the day I had.

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