Struggling with my 18 year old moving out with a boyfriend

Jean - posted on 12/24/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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For the past three months my family has been heart broken over what my oldest daughter did.. She was in college, had a job and living at home doing just ok. She didn't like our rules at all and started to say she wanted to move out. We are a family that I thought gave her all the love and support she needed. My husband and I are both teachers and love being parents. We have had a lot of good times with our kids and thought we had a good family bond. So when this all happened, it took us by surprise and brought major heart ache to our family and still is. She got a boyfriend and that was her out. She quit school behind our back, moved in with him and then quit the job her dad and helped her get. This happened all in a month. He boyfriend is nice but the house she lives in is not. This is absolutely killing me inside. I want her to stand on her own two feet and be independent. I know she will do this in time. The biggest hurt is, she had pushed us away emotionally and I am not sure why. Even on my days off, she does not come here to see me. She has come for all the special events which is great. It is just a roller coaster of emotions. I was reaching out today because it is nice to know you are not the only one going through this.

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Ariana - posted on 12/24/2013

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As a child who just moved out I want you to know that this is not personal. Maybe she hasn't made the best decisions in regards to this but she obviously wants to exert her independence.

She is going through a new stage, and pushing you away emotionally isn't because of you or your house it's because she's realized she's an 'adult' and wants to make her own path in the world.

Try not to bother her to much, she will eventually make her way back to you. Give her support and advice when she asks for it and let her know you're there for her.

Also let her know that she's always welcome back home if she needs it, but don't try to push her. In this situation the more you push the more she'll pull back to prove how independent she is and how much she doesn't need you.

It's hard but it's what's bound to happen eventually. Accept her for who she is and where she is and she will love you for it. Also try not to make snippy or little comments or make weird looks gestures in regards to her decisions. Although you may think you are being helpful this usually just pushes people away more. Not saying you are but it's something to consider.

Also if you want her to see you maybe try inviting her out for coffee? Or doing something fun together? She's probably getting her own circle of friends and building her own life up so if she isn't visiting you it probably has nothing to do with you or your bond with her and more about her new discovery of 'freedom'.

I know it must hurt but I also kind of bailed on my Mom (although she was extremely controlling) and she (kind of angrily) just stopped contacting me for a bit. On one hand it was a relief and the other it was sad, but it gave me time to get my own footing in and finally after 6 months we're starting to get along a bit better. She went a bit crazy for the first 3 months, calmed down, and then when I moved farther away stopped talking to me and even invited my sisters out on a trip and not me. But once she stopped talking to me I wasn't constantly feeling suffocated or feeling like I HAD to push away from her. Since xmas celebrations we've been getting along better and I don't mind stopping by for a while, and she's not making snippy comments at me every time I see her anymore either. So if you can make the process happen faster than my mom (who I love dearly by the way) it would be great for your daughter too.

Hank - posted on 05/14/2015

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This is for only1 chance:
You need to become independent. You do not have a job or skills. You have two young children. What happens if your husband leaves or dies?

Jodi - posted on 12/24/2013

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She's 18. You have to let her make her own choices. She has possibly pushed you away emotionally because she knows how you feel about it. Maybe your disappointment is hard for her, so when she blocks you emotionally, she can avoid that. I'm sure she will come around. Now is the time to let her stand on her two feet. And I'm glad you recognise this will happen in time. She will come around.

I'm not going through this yet. My step-daughter just moved out on her own, but she is just finishing University and has a good job, and she has been living mostly with her mother, so it hasn't hit me in the way this has hit you. My son is 16, so I'm sure I will experience some worry and concern about this in the near future. I guess, in many ways, I am already mentally preparing myself for having an adult in the house and being prepared for him not to like the rules and choose to move out.

Good luck, and have faith that you have raised her well and she will turn out just fine in the long term.

Ev - posted on 12/24/2013

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It is not easy when our first born leaves the nest. I totally understand this well. My story is a long one but I won't give you all that. Basic information is that when my ex and I divorced, for reasons beyond my control and because of finances and also not wanting to make my kids pawns, I let them live with their father. It was such a blow to me and broke me down so fast. I was lost without them there. It was not a choice they had made on their own but the empty nest was there the same. The kids were 12 and 5 at the time. Six years later, I got to go through it again when my daughter left for college. It hit me but not as hard as the first time. She made the choice to go far off to school and she stuck it out. She had work study as a job and she lived on campus with no car. She had to work out rides home for holidays and even weekends if she wanted them. I would go at least once a semester to visit there with her brother and without him. When she decided to get married we had our moments of being at odds. There were some circumstances that were also going on at this moment and some choices were not good ones but she stuck with them. I had to learn to let it go. And that is what you have to do. She is 18 years old. She is going to make a lot of choices you will not like or think is not good for her. But in a sense it is good because she is going to make mistakes and either learn from them or not. She thinks right now she knows exactly what she is doing but she does not, and do not tell her that or it will just drive the distance between you further. At least she comes home for holidays or special family events. A lot of people do not have that. All they have is the knowledge their child is out there somewhere. Your daughter is exploring her own independence and her own way of life. Just be patient and she will learn and come back to you. I know it is hard to go through but it will get better. I know a woman now who is at odd ends with her own child who is an adult and 20 now. This child of hers has made some rather bad choices and it never seems to end. And because this child does not listen to reason; there is not much this woman can do. At least your daughter is still making connections to your family.

Only1Chance - posted on 12/24/2013

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Well 1st off I want 2 say, I know this is extremely hard for you or any parent who wants only the best for their child... I myself lost my job ran off w/ my boyfriend @ 19 & he was also a good guy. I had a full time job b4 I ran off as well & wanted w/ all my heart 2 go 2 school & the who 9 yards. But I fell in love & this is the best thing that ever happened to me. (Marriage is NOT BAD, ITS A GREAT THING WE WERE PUT HERE TO MARRY & MULTIPLY & fill the earth... This is life) I moved in w/him @ his parents tiny humble home window units & all 2bedroom 1 bath & his little brother had 2 sleep in the parents bedroom so we could have a room. Anyway, his dad let me move in w/ the exception that we would get married legally because it is a Sin 2 have premarital sex. So we agreed& months past still hadnt married until finally he got upset w/ us because we had not married yet,so we finally did. Let me tell you @ that time i was so mad & hated the fact that we had to do what he said, (even though that was the plan b4 I moved in we wanted to get married the correct way wedding & all) now I am sooo thankful he pushed us into it because it was the best thing knowing I was doing Gods Will instead of sinning against God. Anyway good men are HARD TO FIND, if he is taking care of your daughter, loves her is providing food 4 her & a roof WOW shes got herself a MAN. I would encourage them to get married. Even though that house is not the nicest that doesn't matter, WE NEED TO STOP TRYING TO LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM & GAIN THE WORLD & LOSE OUR SOUL TRYING TO ACHIEVE THAT. At 20 had a bby & my aunts exact words were "your stupid" (because I wasn't gng to school & living life splurging on myself) uhhhh ACCORDING TO GOD'S WORD I AM LIVING LIFE IM MARRIED & HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN Ive been a stay at home mom sense the age of 20 ever sense my husband has taken care of us WITHOUT government assistance & we bought our home AT 23 &24 years old. SO IT MAY SEEM LIKE SHE HAS NO FUTURE, THATS EXACTLY WHAT MY AUNT SAID WHEN SHE CALLED ME STUPID not knowing 3 years later id not only have another child but have my OWN HOUSE & cars. (No its not a brand new house its actually as old as I am which is NOT BAD)Wow thank THANK YOU JESUS, ONLY BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!

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Michelle - posted on 09/26/2016

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Locking due to being a very old thread. You are more than welcome to start your own.
Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

Nicola - posted on 09/26/2016

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I feel your pain. My only child and daughter turned 18 left school and home in the same week this year in August 2016. She was in her final year of High school & threw away finishing her education & University entrance. Her reason was to run away with a 20yr old guy over 1000km away to some farm where he is supposedly working with his mother. I live in NZ. I raised her alone and made many sacrifices feel so betrayed like she has chosen him (someone I barely know) and his family over me. I know what you mean about them getting a boyfriend and" that is their out" it feels devastating. I know I was a good parent to her and don't understand why they push you away it is very hurtful. They say time heals all wounds

Itsacouponthing - posted on 04/29/2016

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I would love to hear from either a mom who
or a young adult who's been there, just to tell me what you've learned. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Itsacouponthing - posted on 04/29/2016

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I wish I knew what happened in your situation. I'm watching myself lose my daughter. Our family was all about togetherness. Now she has this long distance relationship. I can tell she's more invested than he is, but I've kept that to myself. The only thing I ever did was ask if he ever contacts her first, like if he hasn't heard from her and she said no.
I don't know what to do. She has always stayed younger emotionally, but imagine a 17 just getting into the 14 year old "I hate rules" stage, knowing she's turning 18.
She does high school online which has been fine until now. Some of her classes are too hard, but her teachers work with her, give her extra time, etc. She even meets weekly with a tutor.
But in the past couple months, it's gotten BAD. She's testing us and WINNING. She goes to her teachers, cries in their office about being afraid she won't pass, then comes home and refuses to open a book.
My gosh. She has this one, ridiculously easy class she's going to fail just because if her defiance! Teen Living's assignment this month is to read about child development, then observe a child for 15-30 minutes. She doesn't know anyone around here with small kids, so I set it up for her to sit with a neighbor who is to have a grandchild. She got angry and took off to the park instead!
She calls me the B word daily, and of course we fight over this. She says she means it like Friend. (No, trust me, she doesn't. )
She turns 18 next month, and I think she's going to end up moving in with that guy. He has his own apartment and doesn't know how irresponsible she is. Who knows? Maybe he'll teach her what we couldn't. Or she just won't learn. He's out of a job right now. I don't know what happened, except that he used to work on televisions. Being he seems ok in his apartment, I'm assuming he's on unemployment. All she sees is that he's of-ashe and gets to sleep and play. She doesn't consider things like how much work it was for him to learn the things he can do. Or that when he had a job, he wasn't sleeping and playing when he wants.
I don't want to push her away, but school should be a major priority right now. She only had one year left, and the teachers said they'll give her easier subjects next year. Unfortunately(?), the first thing she has to do in order to graduate next year is to job shadow someone. I don't know how she plans to do this, when she can't get up in the morning to get a job. Hopefully it will be a wake up for her; more than likely, though, it will be another excuse to QUIT.

PLEASE tell me it gets easier, because right now my heart is breaking, and I don't know how much more I can take.

Jean - posted on 12/28/2013

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Thank you to all who posted! The part that is so hard but helpful is for me to stop being snippy and commenting. It is so hard because she is not working and not doing anything. She has anxiety disorder so this is not good for her. She is not helping herself at all. Her boyfriend was here and he had no idea she was on meds for anxiety. I try very hard to shut up! Would any of you sit the both of them down and try to talk to them? My husband and I want to. We want him to know what is going on with her medically and we want to know why he thinks it is ok that she just sits home all day not making money. What do you think? Will it help or make it worse?

Jean - posted on 12/26/2013

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Thank you for pointing that out because there was yet another heartache this Christmas. However, she did stay with us all day and was very thankful for her gifts. It is me that is having a hard time and my other two children. WE were so used to her being a big part of our family on a daily basis. Now she comes once in a while which is better than none. I am trying very hard to think in this way. However, my heart gets the best of me sometimes. I am learning to keep my mouth shut. Very hard for me! I know in my heart she will be back. I am trying to take care of me and embrace the loving people that are around me.

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