Suicidal

Celena Lynn - posted on 06/04/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Last night I was on the phone with the suicide hotline, frankly at the end of the discussion I felt even more like killing myself. The woman obviously felt so sorry for me and I'm not surprised. I'm facing another weekend without my son because his father is an abusive piece of shit with his entire family standing behind him, supporting him in every way; while I am still struggling 6 years after the divorce just to keep my car running. This person has literally been allowed to do anything he wants in family court while I can't even get on the phone to "The Northwest Justice Project", they don't seem to be taking new clients. I've emailed LOTS of family attorneys in the state and no one seems to want to help unless I can come up with at least 5,000. I worked very hard initially, I came from homelessness and got a job and a place all by myself, my own family didn't lift a finger for me they never have so I never expected better. But recently I'm so overwhelmed I can barely go anywhere without crying. I barely see my son as it is, my own family can barely offer me emotional support and after all that has happened I just don't even want to go see people anymore. The worst thing is I haven't done anything. Everyone thinks I've done something terrible to lose custody and I'm just poor with no family to turn to, I don't do drugs and I have no arrest record and no one has even accused me of mistreating my son, and yet here I am barely seeing him because his father can move all over the state with his family and I'm struggling just to afford a bus pass every month. The court will never listen to my side of things without an attorney and I know it, I can't handle this anymore. No one thinks my life is worth anything including me. I have a horrible relationship with my mother, frankly I won't sugar coat things, she's an abusive narcissist much like my son's father. I've always tried to be understanding towards her and even she says what an easy child I was (not good, or smart, or nice, but EASY) so lucky her she barely had to do anything and even then she never invested much in me. I know at 29 I should stop "blaming" my family but honestly I never did until now. I knew I had poor parents but I figured if I worked hard I could overcome that and really who hasn't had poor parents. I loved my mother for a long time but now looking back at just how inadequate she was makes me angry and depressed, how good I've been to her and how she's always been determined to do the least she can get away with. I been reading about these suicide kits and it sounds nicer to fall asleep and never wake up. I could honestly say everyone in my life would be just fine with it, no one will miss me that badly, even my son wouldn't be bothered much, he's so brainwashed by his father I feel like I'm talking to someone else's child. There's nothing for me here and I work too hard for the little I have as it is. If someone knows something I don't feel free to comment, if I get a bunch of abuse like I did on cafemom . . . well I guess I can't stop that lol I'll be getting started on this project tomorrow

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Jodi - posted on 06/04/2016

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Celena, have you every had counselling with a psychologist?
You say the court would never listen to your side of the story and you know it, does that mean you haven't actually been to court yet? Are there custody and visitation orders? Essentially, you ex is committing parental alienation.

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Ev - posted on 06/04/2016

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If he was so abusive that is the answer to why you divorced him. You need to talk to someone but I also know what it feels like to not have the kids with you all the time.

Jodi - posted on 06/04/2016

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Celena, I would strongly recommend you seek psychological help. This is not just about helping you, but it can also be about helping you find a way.

Celena Lynn - posted on 06/04/2016

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I don't begrudge him getting custody, I never fought for custody as I was struggling so bad. But the problem is he abuses it and abuses it, I left the marriage to get away from the abuse and here I am dealing with it still only now the court defends him. Why did I get divorced I keep wondering?

Ev - posted on 06/04/2016

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It was 14 years ago. I was able to maintain a relationship with them and got them when I had my time. Their dad did not even try to keep them from me because I would have tried to do something about it. Today they are adults and we are very close. We did not have lots of time but we had quality time. I made the most of it. I was not the "fun parent". I still maintained rules and consequences when with me. He was not able to influence them any shape or form. I had already formed such a bond with them prior to that that I did not look at that as the one thing that would keep us close. I also made sure that they knew I was there for them as much as they needed even if only by phone.

Ev - posted on 06/04/2016

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The simple truth is that a lot of fathers do get primary custody for various reasons. And if you can not afford to fight for custody you could try legal aid or pro bono lawyers. And if that does not work see if there are lawyers where you live that will work on a payment plan. There has to be a way.

Ev - posted on 06/04/2016

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Actually, you can not do whatever having an attorney. I had one and my kids ended up going to live with dad as primary parent because 1) I could not fund more time to get custody, 2) their dad and his lawyer offered an arrangement and I agreed to it so that the kids were not worried about being dragged around all the time, and 3) stable life. I was lost when they had to go. I did not know what to do or say. I felt like he would try to manipulate them in any manner he could up to hating me and wanting me out of their lives. I took what time I could get to be with them. This is something you have to work out and learn to live with. What got him custody in the first place?

Celena Lynn - posted on 06/04/2016

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The reason my ex got custody is when our home went into foreclosure he was able to stay with his family and I had no one to stay with, I've had to work very hard to get where I am but its just not enough

Celena Lynn - posted on 06/04/2016

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Yes we have a parenting plan, this IS my scheduled weekend. I also have taken him to court for contempt after he ran off with my son for 6 Mon, they granted me visitation but did not find my ex in contempt when he clearly was, it seems you can do whatever when you have an attorney. No I have not been to a psychologist

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