Supervised Visitations!

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My daughters bio father gets supervised visitations every 1st, 3rd, & 5th Saturday every month for 2 hours. I'm the supervisor. I am currently pregnant with my husbands child and will be going into Labour soon. What do I tell her bio father when I go into Labour and he can't see her until I am able to get out with a new born?? How do I tell him?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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Pointing out inconsistencies is one of my favorite passtimes.

And there's a difference between someone judging (no one here has judged you, but you've judged others) and questioning.

[deleted account]

If the visitation is court ordered and you fail to show up with your daughter for any reason he can file contempt charges against you.

If the court order stipulates that your relatives may not have contact with him, you will need to find a non-relative to take your daughter to the visitation. You also need to look over your court order, there should be a clause stipulating what happens when the assigned supervisor is unavailable. Usually, this clause designates a court official to supervise in the usual supervisor's place and gives detail on how to contact that person. Note, if that clause is missing, your order may not be valid, and if he has a good lawyer, he can have it overturned. If you find that clause missing, you need to speak to your attorney ASAP.

It is odd that the court did not assign a 3rd party liaison or mediator to mediate and supervise the visitation. I work in social services and have lots of experience with family court. In every case I have ever seen where a parent was granted supervised visitation, the visitation is ordered to take place in an approved setting and be supervised by a 3rd party. The custodial parent is not assigned the responsibility of supervision because it usually creates a conflict of interest.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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Sounds like you find another to supervise. Just because you're having another kid doesn't mean that his visitation should suffer.

And I am actually wondering how you got to be the "supervisor" for your ex? Normally that would not happen. But, whatever. Either way, find another to oversee the visits.

Ev - posted on 12/09/2013

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Peyton-I am sorry you feel like the rest are jumping your case but I do see their points and if you would open your mind just a little and try to contact the court and get someone else to take over when you get closer to your due date, then you would be relieved of stresses you do not need. Also, you said you had no one who could be a 3rd party in your place? No friends? As they said, a 3rd party assigned by the court would be best. Its a suggestion is all. One that I must say has merit too. Just think about it.

Jodi - posted on 12/09/2013

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There are places where you can arrange for supervised visitation to take place without you being in charge. The courts would not frown upon you arranging something like this for the period of time you need to. What they will do is frown on you blocking the visitation altogether. I used to have supervised drop off and pick up, due to my ex being an abusive ass, and I used to drop my son off at this centre a bit before the designated time, and then my ex would pick him up. That way, we didn't have to EVER be in the same place at the same time. They also used to supervise visitation for parents at this place. I am sure there is something like that in your area. Use your initiative and find a solution.

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[deleted account]

Whether or not you like HOW they said it, what they are saying is completely valid. You are only now several comments down saying that you only asked how to go about talking to him about it, but your original post specifically states and I quote "he can't see her until I am able to get out with a newborn?" Legally, you don't get to deny him his visitation rights because you have other things going on in your life. You don't get to deny YOUR DAUGHTER her time with her dad just because you have something else going on. Her relationship with her dad isn't subject to your convenience. Also, after reading through all the comments, I too am extremely confused. I've never heard of a court that would grant an abuse victim as supervisor for the abuser's visits. That seems absolutely ludicrous, but if that's your court order, all these other ladies are saying is IT CAN BE CHANGED FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO SUPERVISE IN YOUR ABSENCE. And that is the best advice. And the part that got me was your comment that stated that "He gets supervised rights, judge said we have to talk and agree on any other arrangements." So was it the two of you who decided that you would be the supervisor of visits and the court simply allowed it because you agreed? And furthermore, if the judge said you are at liberty to "talk and agree on any other arrangements" then I don't see the problem. If your court order gives you the freedom to make different arrangements as long as you both agree, then simply talk to him about your upcoming unavailability and discuss who else can supervise in your absence. But no matter what, you don't have the authority morally or legally to decide he "can't see her until I'm able to get out with a newborn." It could be weeks before a new mom is able to get out and about with a newborn, especially by herself, since you say no one else is allowed to be around him so obviously they wouldn't be able to go along to help you with baby. That's just not reasonable.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/10/2013

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Peyton...

You need a hug... I'm overnighting one certified express your way and directly from NYC....

Tata, darling!

LOL

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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who judged? Questioned your story, yes...

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013

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Seriously?! Call the freaking judge for yourself! Angelina County! Quit judging me if you don't know the story. BYE!

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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You say he has supervised visits due to an abusive past, and you also say you are de facto the one supervising the visits.

Now I REALLY know you're full of shit. This is solely my professional observation. Mark my words: NO COURT will grant supervised visits and have the other parent supervise the visits with the person who they allege is abusive.

Good luck with your games :)

Ev - posted on 12/09/2013

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You are welcome, but not everyone here is going to agree with everything you post about, just keep that in mind.

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013

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Well if they would have explained it like that instead jumping on me about trying to keep her away from her bio dad. When I'm not! I contacted the court and do have another court date. Thanks Evelyn.

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013

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Nobody said I wanted her in the delivery room. I just said I wanted her there so that AFTERWORDS, we can take pictures. I don't call names unless someone is being rude to me, & y'all are being rude for no reason. He gets supervised rights, judge said we have to talk and agree on any other arrangements. He has supervised rights due to an abusive past. I didn't nor did I ever say I changed his days due to me going to the hospital. I simple asked how do I talk to him about it! THANK YOU ANYWAYS. I DONT NEED ANYMORE RUDE PEOPLE ADVICE.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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Peyton, no need to name call. No one else has, nor have we given you any reason to.

Lala works in the legal system. She's telling you from her business experience.

If you don't like truth, don't stay here. The truth of the matter is:

1) it is EXTREMELY RARE for the custodial parent to also be the "neutral" party for supervision of visitation. There's usually a reason for supervision, and generally, the custodial parent has a conflict of interest, thus making them far from "neutral". WE GET IT, IN YOUR CASE, YOU ARE THE SUPERVISOR...

2) Court orders are court orders. They aren't about convenience. If your ex has court ordered visitation on the 1st, 3rd & 5th Saturdays, that cannot be changed arbitrarily. You MUST GO BACK TO COURT.

3) Additionally, you cannot "rearrange" the visitation schedule to fit your hospital visit. If you are having a baby, and it's his visitation day, HE STILL GETS HIS VISITATION DAY. Contact your courts and request that a truly neutral party be assigned for the supervised visits, along with making arrangements to have the visits conducted in an institutional setting.

Now, how about you try going about this like a rational adult, and ASK HIM IF HE'D MIND you rearranging his visitation schedule, should your labor happen to coincide with one of his regularly scheduled days. He may not agree that having the child witness labor is "good" for her. That's his right too, you know...have you thought of that? He can very well go before a judge and ask for a restriction on you having her with you whilst delivering...

My point is there's two ways to go about this. Childishly, or in an adult manner. Only you can choose...

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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Peyton, sweetheart, get a clue.

The court-order is not the red flag, or even the supervised visitation bit... The part where NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU can supervise these visits is the red flag. NOWHERE IN THE HISTORY OF CUSTODIAL DISPUTES WILL YOU FIND ANY CASES WHERE IF THE CUSTODIAL PARENT CANNOT SUPERVISE THEN NON-CUSTODIAL PARENT LOSES ACCESS TO KID.

I work within the legal system and yet you are the first individual who has supervised visitation order where, 1. The custodial parent is assigned as the "neural third party" to supervise these visits, and 2. The assigned "third party" is the ONLY individual that can supervise these visits.

Get my drift?

Oh! and, when someone says, "What do I tell..." and "How do I tell him..." that usually means they have decided on a plan of action and now just need some ideas on how to execute.

My favorite phrase:

"Don't give me bullsh!t and call it caviar."

If it itches, then scratch, but don't come labeling my comment "rude" or "crap" simply because I see through your bullsht and respond as such. Its an insult to my intelligence and, at the very least, to my reading comprehension ;)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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Well, you've been told: His visitation is court ordered. You cannot change the schedule just because you're having another kid and it won't be convenient for YOU to keep his scheduled visitations.

If you don't want to fight a bunch of custody fights in court, then contact the courts right now, and ask that a family services representative be assigned to your case to serve in the capacity of supervisor for visitation.

It's not about YOUR convenience, or YOUR schedule. Its about keeping the visitation schedule as the courts have ordered it. You don't have to like it, but you do have to abide by it...

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013

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Actually your "red flag #1" crap is court ordered. No one is his family is allowed near her. And non one in my family is allowed near him. I didn't ask for any rude comments. And I didnt decide anything. I asked a simple question. Thanks.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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Red Flag #1
"No one else in my family is allowed around him and no one is his is allowed around my daughter."
Yet YOU are the supervisor. Which tells me this man poses no threat since you can get close to him to watch his visits with his child. For everyone "not allowed" near your daughter, is this court-ordered or Peyton-imposed?


"he can't see her until I am able to get out with a new born"

Red Flag #2
You're not asking, it is already decided by YOU that he won't see his child until
your newborn be fit to supervise these visits with you. Again, is this court-ordered or Peyton-imposed?


Relinquish some of that control, it will only consume you. You and him are already involved with the court system, which means you won't simply be able to block/postpone visitations without the courts. If you do, trust and believe this is the fastest way for HIM to get your daughter full time.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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I understand the concept of supervised visitation. Since it is court ordered, you need to make arrangements for it to happen regardless of whether you are in labor or not.

It is (or may be) time to ask for someone ELSE (preferably one who has no interest in either side of the situation) to be the supervisor. The courts have a plethora of choices for supervised visitation. And, especially since you're having another child, I can see this possibly becoming more of a problem, more often. A court ordered liason as a supervisor would be a better idea in order to keep stability for the child in question.

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013

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The judge gave him that time. And the judge made me supervisor. Because I don't trust him alone with my daughter, I want to be able to see what goes on with my daughter.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2013

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Is his time with her court ordered? If so, you need to have a supervisor assigned to your case.

As I previously stated, just because you're having another kid doesn't mean that his visitation should suffer.

Peyton - posted on 12/09/2013

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He just got rights to her. She's a year old. No one else in my family is allowed around him and no one is his is allowed around my daughter. Therefore there isn't anybody to supervise. Hes not allowed alone with her so he can't take her. He hasn't been in her life at all until a couple weeks ago.

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