surnames

Lucy - posted on 11/11/2008 ( 11 moms have responded )

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me and my partner recently gained custordy of his 2 children. caitlan who is 5 & kieran who is 3, we also have a 13mth old together ebony-rae. before the children moved in with us their mother changed caitlans surname when she was aged 3 1/2, we are trying to get it changed back in court as she is very upset with having her name changed, when i talk to her about it been double barrelled (lewis-stamp) she becomes very aggressive hitting punching and shouting at me MY NAMES CAITLAN LEWIS NOT CAITLAN STAMP. how do i approach this matter as it's looking like it's going to have to be double barrelled as her mother won't agree to changing it back. i'm at my wits end.. it's heartbreaking because she's not normally an aggressive little girl. she normally shows so much love and respect to me as if i were her mum.. she wont have anything to do with her real mum. i've been in her life since she was 1week old. HELP!!

11 Comments

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Fiona - posted on 03/07/2011

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wow its great that ur partner gt custody of his kids. my partner is currently fighting for his children as his eldest was physically assaulted by his mams new partner and is currently waiting to be sentanced for common assault t which he has pleaded guilty. fingers crossed we gt them. just tell the little she doesnt need t use the name except wen shes a big girl and fills out forms. all the best for the future

Lisa - posted on 11/12/2008

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Again, let her know that she can be known as Caitlin Lewis to anyone she wants to, but that her "Official" legal documents will have to be Stamp, or Lewis-Stamp, to make it easier. Even if her official documents state Lewis-stamp, she can still enroll in school as Caitlin Lewis, and be called Caitlin Lewis. It is obvious that she is crying out for some sort of stability in her life. All the changing from one home to another. She is just trying to have SOME control for herself. Also, bear in mind that she is 5 and a 5 yr old, even in a more stable environment, pushes for control of something. They are becoming more and more independant at this age. She just want to feel in control of something in her life. Try explaining that to her Mother and see if she will agree to back off a little. If she continues to hold on to this issue too tightly, she could really damage the relationship she has with Caitlin. It's a name. It doesn't change who she is. It's a piece of paper. If her mother backs off and lets her get the name changed, will she not be her daughter anymore??? No. But the little girl will be happier, and will feel a bit more control and secure in her life and may eventually have a better relationship with her mother. Just introduce her always when she is with you, as Caitlin Lewis. The matter may be forgotton in time altoghether.

Lucy - posted on 11/12/2008

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thanks every1.. i think i may have explained it wrong though, caitlan does NOT want her mums name STAMP she wants to have the same surname her dad.....which is what she had for 3 1/2yrs. this is whats upsetting her, she asked us if we could change her name back to LEWIS we said we'd try but couldn't promise anything, its when i mention it might be lewis-STAMP that she gets angry as she does not want that she simply wants to be CAITLAN LEWIS but her mum will not agree to this.

Kelly - posted on 11/12/2008

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Sometimes you just have to leave well enough alone. I am a single parent now with four children. Two of the children have their father's last name because they were born when we were married. My other two children have my maiden name, which I use again too. I am leaving the choice up to them as to what last name they would like to have. My oldest child is 11 and I have a 7, 6, and 1 year old as well. There are many other things in life that you need to worry about. If my children would like to change their names when they become of age, then they can do that, and then it's their worry. I just want them to succeed in life, no matter if their last name is different than my own. If you just let your girl be, then maybe she will be less agressive. I don't think that she is in the mind frame yet as to what her last name should or shouldn't be. It should be a decision that all three need to discuss when she is able to fully understand what is going on. I wish you the best of luck in the decision that your family chooses. God bless.

Tam-lien - posted on 11/12/2008

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I think changing her name to Lewis-Stamp is a smart idea. She was born with her father's last name, so every time she has to fill out papers they ask for her name given at birth (even if her mom changed it) as well as her maden name. It's not like you would be changing it to something totally different from what the family has, she had that name to begin with. You need to explain to her that you are not taking her name away, your just adding Her Dad's name on to it. That she is special because she has her Mom's and Dad's last name. It's better to change it while she is younger, that way she gets used to it. You have to remember she is only five years old. She may be angree at you for a while but in the long run she will forget all this drama. Kids are more addaptable than you think. No! changing her name will not change her identity! Speaking as a person who was addopted at 3 years old and that has siblings who were addopted at older ages. We all got are names changed. I think you should entroduce her as Lewis-Stamp at all times and teach her to write her whole name. Don't walk on egg shells because that will only prolong it. As she gets a bit older she will notice that her last name is the same as her siblings aswell as her parents.

Jessi - posted on 11/11/2008

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I understand. I don't know that I would force Caitlan to use the Stamp name, and just use it as it's legally necessary. I think if you have custody, this is an issue that I would approach to a judge. When I asked about getting my son's name changed, they told me that as long as that was the name I was using, that I had permission to change it. I would contact a lawyer or someone to see what your rights are, since you do have custody. Good Luck!

Jessi - posted on 11/11/2008

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My son has a different legal last name than my husband and I, but we let him decide what he wanted to be called. I haven't changed it yet, as it's a messy ordeal. I would just be patient and give it some time. Let Caitlan feel like she has control over the situation.

Amie - posted on 11/11/2008

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I agree with Lisa. Tell everyone that her last name is Lewis and ignore the stamp part. My parents have done this with my brother since he was small but with his first names. His given name is Robert but he's always been known as Joey. I didn't even know his given name was Robert until we were teenagers. lol! It is heartbreaking when one person is this hard about these decisions. My oldest two are from a previous relationship and even though their dad is not a part of their lives he will not sign the papers for the kids names to change when I get married. We want to do this so not to cause confusion for them. Their two younger siblings will be going by Turnbull as will I after the wedding next year. We don't want them feeling left out as they already have asked are we going to be Turnbulls too? They are too young in my opinion (8 &4) to know how hard it is getting this done but we keep assuring them that yes they will be. Until then we keep the fights and court battles away from them. They don't need to know.

Lisa - posted on 11/11/2008

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Tell her to tell all of her friends and teachers that her name is Caitlin Lewis. She can go by what ever name she wants to. Only on paper does it have to be Stamp until you can change that. But until then, introduce her as Caitlin Lewis, Who cares what a piece of paper says. I changed my name in College and the only thing that didn't change was the name on my drivers license. All of my School documents bear the changed name and my original ss# . If it helps her emotionally to have the name of her father, than make it so. Again, only you need to know that legally the papers are not what she prefers, and then you can work on changing that. If you hyphenate Stamp-Lewis and then go by Lewis, no one will even care.

Katye - posted on 11/11/2008

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Why are you having it changed? It won't change who she is or how much you love her. If she has been shuffled from family to family she has enough to deal with. She is just starting to figure out who she is and you are taking away one of the few things she knows about who she is. Have it changed later when she is older and can accept and even support the change.

Tina - posted on 11/11/2008

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Reassuring Caitlan that you are doing this because you love her is important. Children are going to have different emotions about different things and your continuing to reassure her is important. Congratulations on gaining custody. I wish you the best in all the obstacles ahead good and challenging!

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