Taking Visitation Rights

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

10

20

1

Hubby and Me feel really uneasy when child is sent off with her birth mom. We feel much safer, when Stepdaughter is with her Aunt instead of her mother. Her mother has had 2 DUI's, stepdaughter has said that when she goes for week long stays with her mother that she is always working and she is always staying with a baby sitter. And has even said once that birth mom's boyfriend left her alone in the house (shes 7 currently) while he went out to run a errand. BM has called hubby's family numerous times fishing for information. And recently she called child's grandmother and told her that daughter told her that her stepmother (Which is me) hated her. I confronted stepdaughter about it and she confirmed that she didn't say that, that she would never say that because I take care of her. So in my mind its just BM starting stuff. Stepdaughter after being confronted will start saying something that BM has told her then she'll stop and say I don't know why I listen to mom anyway, she's always lying. BM hasn't followed court rules in over 2 years she's suppose to pick her up and drop her off but she always has someone else do it. Child comes home after visit with BM and usually hasn't been fed lunch cause she got a ultimatum that she could go to the movies or eat lunch but couldn't do both. According to stepdaughter she normally hasn't taken a bath while with BM. And normally comes home in the same clothes that I sent her off in.

Would any of you consider this neglect on BM's behalf? If you were in this situation would you have limited visitation/ or supervised visitations?

Have you ever took visitation rights away from your BM? If so why and what all did you have to go through/prove to do that?

Thanks for the help in advance

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/05/2012

13,264

21

2015

Well, it kind of does sound like you grill the poor child when she gets home

"BM called child's grandmother and told her that her daughter told her that her stepmother hated her. I CONFRONTED MY STEPDAUGHTER..."

Right there. You don't confront a 7 year old with "he said/she said" crap! OF COURSE she's going to say that she didn't say that! AND, she's probably going to tell her mother what she wants to hear as well. She's 7!!! She doesn't want to make the adults angry with her. She doesn't want to tell her mom she likes you, because her mom will be mad. She doesn't want to tell you that she enjoys her mom, because that will make you mad...Or so a 7 year old thinks.

You ARE putting her in the middle. And, yes, you love her, but you aren't the custodial parent. Her dad is, and unless HE sees something amiss, and pursues it, you need to relax and enjoy whatever time you can with the child.

Kelina - posted on 06/05/2012

2,018

9

235

Ok after stewing about this for half an hour I have to respond. First of all, does you stepdaughter have an issue with how she's treated at moms? And to be honest, I sincerely doubt that her mom is deliberately scheduling her work so that she has to leave her daughter with a sitter. Not too many moms have any control over that. Second, has your stepdaughter asked to have a bath while she's at her moms? Because I know I never did when I was at my dads. adults can get busy and forget things like that. Sometimes my kids go longer than a week because they don't seem to need it. They're not overly dirty, they don't smell, etc. and I get busy and forget that they haven't bathed in a while. I'd leave that alone or have dad ask BM to make sure she does bathe at least once while she's there. The fact that her BM doesn't pick her up and drop her off but has someone else do it tells me one of two things-she REALLY doesn't get along with your hubby(or you), or she's working. If she were on good terms, chances are she'd pick up her kid. As for lunch, that to me says your step daughter has the choice to either go out for lunch with mom or go to the movies with mom and she chooses the movies. It's not that mom doesn't have the money to feed her lunch on that day, it's that she can go out to one of two places and your stepdaughter CHOOSES to go to a movie with her mom. If she comes home hungry, feed her. Simple as that, one missed lunch is not a big deal. Now if she's missing lunch every day, then I'd start to get a little worried. Now as someone else pointed out, whether you like it or not your stepdaughter is in the middle of this. She has to be because she's the only one that live sin both worlds and therefore gets caught up in the drama between adults. Try to limit that. Don't tell her how you feel about her mom, and dad shouldn't either. Don't make a big deal of it when she's come home without a bath or lunch. Eventually, if she's not asking for a bath while she's there, one of her friends is going to say something and she's going to change her tune real quick. Also, really, who cares if BM is being a shit disturber and acting like a child? Is she caring for her daughter? are her needs getting met? is she eating and showing up to school and all that? Who cares if she calls up her ex MIL and says something stupid? Either you react to it like you have been, or you don't. I can understand being upset if she did tell her mom that you hated her, but she's seven. two days ago my son told my MIL that I'm mean-the reason? I don't let him watch TV at home. Kids get mad, they forget the big things. They think you hate them because you won't let them go to a birthday party and conveniently forget that the reason was because of something they did. And they're great at misconstruing things so really relying on what a 7 year old says about what happens at her moms isn't the greatest idea. Taking her moms visitation away because of these minor things that you can't prove? would be incredibly difficult and not necessarily the right thing to do. You need to know the whole picture first.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

8 Comments

View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/05/2012

13,264

21

2015

Well stated, Kelina, very eloquent, and covered the rest of the points I couldn't seem to grasp when I posted

Gwen - posted on 06/05/2012

1,345

7

220

I was responding to the statement you made twice in your OP that you "confronted" her about it. I had stepkids too, so I understand how easy it is to start asking when they come back about what they did, who they saw, etc. Especially when you feel the other parent is not doing a good job. It puts the kids in an awkward position. Even though she may be angry at her mom, you don't want her to get the impression she has to choose sides.

Dove - posted on 06/05/2012

12,476

0

1354

Document everything and let your husband decide how he wants to pursue this (if he does). This situation would make ME very concerned, but as the stepmother all you can do is support your husband and care for the child when she is in your presence.

Jessica - posted on 06/05/2012

10

20

1

Thanks for assuming that we grill stepdaughter when she comes home. That's not the case, but thanks for throwing that out there like it actually happens. This was information that step daughter told me one her own.

Gwen - posted on 06/05/2012

1,345

7

220

First, quit putting the stepdaughter in the middle. It's not fair to grill her after every visit... Did you bathe? Did you say that? What did your mom do? What did she tell you?

Second, as much as you are involved in the situation, there is nothing YOU can do. If changes need to be made in visitation, etc. that's up to her father to handle. It's hard being a stepmom because you have to remove yourself from the decision making process and let the biological parents work it out (between themselves or in court).

The only suggestion I can make is to keep lots of documentation to support whatever course of action your husband pursues.

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2012

10

20

1

I need all the advice that I could possibly get.... So if you have a story similar to mine, feel free to tell your story, I'm up for listening!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms