Talking about ....grandparent rights

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/22/2013 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I just read a blog about grandparent rights.....I have a 14 month old daughter with a mother in law who thinks shes part hers...my child)some reason she thinks she should have her whenever she wants..without even asking...we just got her to start..asking..an my husbands always feeling bad for her an his mother has to have her for the day(I said why cant she just come over)he said she doesn't like you!i said well then that's a problem then...who says that.. im thinking wow...well sorry Charlie this is my baby I gave birth...an I know its my husbands mother,an I will parent my baby..she says everythings not on your terms an its just not your baby..an were all family..NO WERE NOT!!!an ect...I feel like saying get out of my life your a crazy nutcase all you do is fight with everyone the problem is she doesn't like authority..an me as my daughters mother..i tell her no ..I don't wana do overnites oh god.....calling my husband her son..an asks why does your wife keep the baby away from me..first of all she calls my daughter (the baby)or her granbab..she has a name.I call her by her name an I call her my daughter an his mom looks down an gets depreesed..I don't know what does others think.....of my sistuation....but I have nothing to do do with her an this is my baby.an why is it called gran___parents their not the parents..at all!i have major issues with my mother in law..never seen anything like it..its scarey how she thinks my daughter is apart of her an her an her son should be talking about her an she calls him befor work an im not around..he doesn't even parent her..i do 99% ..I just want to know what others thought....is what she saying crazy or does everyone act this way..

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Jodi - posted on 05/23/2013

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I still think you have such a clear disrespect for your husband that you probably should seek counselling (actually, you probably should both seek counselling). It isn't healthy for your child for you to have such a high level of disdain for her father.

Jodi - posted on 05/23/2013

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"he doesn't want anything to do with her! so to me im her main caretaker..he doesn't feed change bath ... NOTHING SO IF I JUST SAID LAID AROUND AN SAID I DONT WANT TO I WORKED......UMM NICE. JUST BECAUSE YOU WORK DOESNT MEAN YOU GET A FREE PASS...OF BEING A DEADBEAT FATHER.. ive seen better stepdads"

Seriously? He does nothing? You're talking about your HUSBAND like this? Calling your HUSBAND a deadbeat father because all he does is work and put a roof over your head and food in your belly so that you get to stay home with your child?

Honey, anyone who is talking about their husband like this CLEARLY has greater issues than just the mother-in-law. Honestly, if you were speaking about my son the way you are speaking about your husband, I wouldn't like you very much either.

Now, I'm not saying he shouldn't lift a finger to help you with the baby, but lady, you clearly have absolutely zero respect for him either.

Ev - posted on 05/22/2013

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I have to agree with the first poster. You sound angry. I do agree that the grandparents should have time with their grandchildren but at the choice of the parents. You need to come to some sort of agreement for the best interest of this baby. SHe does have a right to know that grandmother just as much as she gets to know your side of the family. I am not trying to be mean about it but I have been there with issues with inlaws. And now they are my former inlaws and we have a better relationship than before. I have also seen better step parents too but my kids ended up with the bad eggs for step moms. I do not like it but I do have to deal with it and its how you deal with it that makes the difference.

Dove - posted on 05/22/2013

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Well... no offense, but you DID have a baby with the man. Now you get to find a way to deal with him... and his mother... for a LONG time. They will both be a part of your daughter's life (as they ARE her family) in one way or another, so it is probably best to figure out a civilized way to deal with it all.... and that's where counseling for you could be very beneficial right now.

Good luck!

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Lindsey - posted on 05/24/2013

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Tell your husband that you are his wife she may be his mother but you both gave birth to a child and if one of you say no on a situation the answer is no... You are right she is not the mother you are you gave birth to her and you don't need someone trying to tell you how to raise your child it's hard enough as is... Let her see her once a week if she doesn't like it tell her to bad that's my terms and tell her husband that this is what you want bc you want to spend all of the time you can with your child bc they don't stay babies forever... Your mother in law doesn't have to like you but she does have to RESPECT you to get your respect when it comes to your child... Don't worry all mother in laws or in my case my ex boyfriends mother their all crazy!!! They all try to tell you what to do you just have to put your foot down and stick with it that's all you really can do. Your husband should respect you as the mother of your child the person who gave birth to his baby to respect your wishes.

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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An to answer the last part...he works to keep a roof over my head< were married an im his wife .. he should work. my father pays 600 a month also tords his daughter an his grandchild.. because hes to busy buying 500$ watches an clothes shoes wants bikes trucks...workout..things an chews smokes an blows money..ect he should be clothing his baby an buying food an diapers for her.. HE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFOR HAVING A BABY! an he told me I could stay home with her an rasie her until 3 preschool..im the mother! his mother took him away from father when he was a baby changed his name (that's controlling) an I would dream of doing such things... I want him loving her an being a role model shes gonna grow up an marry him ...a man like him...I just want him to be a better father

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/23/2013

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I can't really understand you well enough to be able to help you ? The genetics counselor said your daughter has a higher risk of becoming a drug addict or your mil is probably a drug addict? It seems like you have more troubles then I can help with and couples counseling is the answer

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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my mother should be also included in mothers day,shes good to my husband buys him birthday cards an ect... an we said that but she started crying an said I took him away, im not thhe one who acts young,im just venting an wanted adice from others who have same problem nit ppl who don't understand...an know what im going throu

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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No...no ..no..i should explain better I was talking about how she cornered me ...an I didn't understand if it was such a big deal why isn't her husband over siting with his mother... she called an said their having a dinner an it was 2 hours away, an I have my mom an gramal ...also. he said we have to delivery cards an see my mother also she made the whole day about her... an she says to me when I hold his hand let him go! let him breath... an I look over an shes holding her husbands hand ect...shes jealous

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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An when I went to genetics,doctors told me her chances of being a drug addict,is high...an theirs alot of mental,bipolar,ect..more..its just not 1 or 2 cusins its like7..an parents who use... his own father... said he didn't wana be around this.. oh did I mention a family member is in the hells angels ya no thank you,...an I didn't know all this(lifestyle before)an my husband told me he wasn't interested... so... me wanting a better life? an im not saying my familys perfect...but a diff.lifestyle...in deed!

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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You would tell your son to get a divore..an take my baby? the thing is he was a herion addict an on drugs ...an he had broken my finger anger issues..ect.. I drank but nothing of the sorts of drugs... we got sober together attended aa he got a job,an has been doing good... for two years he was with his family he has a lot of cusins he used with their still using.. an me an my family attend church ..nody use'es drugs or is under the influence, (our child needs rol models that's how my husband used drugs...an his own cusin who got sober also..has two children an a wife that stay away,anyway..no im not young I had a baby an I have to protect her..an he has a lot of mental emo problems from her..shes in denial,her son almost died an she doesn't like me because he got sober an it was because of me... an we together decided to bring a child into this world ...unstanding our child wouldn't be around bars drinking swearing ect.. adult parties...ect..I want something better.. I just want to have a healthy life for my daughter..its more important than anything.. an yes we got together..an said hey lets make this work we needed counseling already for the issues we had befor my husband got kicked out of the sevice for using... he has a lot of problems..with that..also but as for her well you saying you would seek a divore an custody, I don't think a judge jury would disagree with my parenting..an the life I want to live ...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/23/2013

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Part of growing up is learning how to interact with all different types, learning how to act and react to stimuli, and how to handle things in an adult manner.

Counseling is a must.

Part of my problem here is that I'm having a very hard time understanding what is bothering you the most, because you don't articulate it very well. For example, you say that she cornered you during a mother's day lunch? I'm not sure if you meant during lunch or on Mother's day when you were all out as a family group...

Anyway, that last one stood out because Mother's day is a Hallmark holiday. It was created in order to "honor" your mother and her efforts to raise you. That's not "honor your wife" day, that's what your anniversary is for. You got upset with the woman because she wanted to spend time with her son on Mother's day?

You kind of ramble all over the place, and don't make a lot of sense in some of your posts, except that your extreme frustration and irritation is coming through. And I'm still wondering what your definition of "young" is. I promise, you won't be hassled because of your age, but it will help me formulate a more appropriate response for you.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/23/2013

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I believe a mans wife and children are his first priority, but the woman who gave birth to him and raised him should not be pushed away either. Your MIL obviously loves your child which is priceless , but if you feel she is being a little overly pushy then calmly tell how how it makes you feel. And remember one day your kids are going to have children and how would you feel if you couldn't be apart of that? Grandparents get soo excited to have a baby around again and they might get carried away but it's usually out of sheer happiness!

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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Gosh...onemore thing when we got married I later found out... she said to my husband if you get married,will be closer with me?an be around more.. we were.. she got kinda crazy,tords me,we went out to lunch an she cornered me, an said your taking my son away, an she wouldn't let me past the door.. I wana say ...your husband he has a mother an shes here.. an your husband is by your side,an it was a mothers day dinner.. here siting next to me..? an when you get married I thought your suppose to start a life..an grow up ..not meaning not having her in his life but we were starting a life together, I think she lost control of him that's the thing an sad.. that's not love its controlling..on her part,an she treats me horrible

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/23/2013

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When I married my husband, I married his family, and he married mine. Family is NOT just you, hubby, and your kids, because you and hubby did not spring fully formed from the cabbage patch, no matter how many parents try to tell you you did.

You don't seem to have a problem allowing YOUR family, your mother, father, brother, sister, etc be involved with you. You don't seem to have a problem with allowing your child to know her entire family as long as it's YOUR side and not him or his.

I'm sorry, but that is most definitely NOT how it works!

I know that you're frustrated, and you're upset, but you really don't seem to be looking at the whole picture. Please don't take offense at this, but from your posts it sounds as if you are very young, and have the idealistic view of what "a perfect family" is. Young is not a problem, as long as you stop, take a look at the big picture, analyze how your actions and reactions are affecting not only you, but everyone around you and how they handle you.

In that respect, I have to agree with Jodi that were you speaking of MY son that way (and in addition, myself), I wouldn't like you one bit, and would actively encourage my son to seek a divorce, and custody of the child.

You say you're not young, that he's younger, but what's your definition of "young"? The posts that I'm reading tell me that you are. Early twenties, maybe.

So, you haven't answered a couple of other things either: If his family was so horrible, why did you hook up in the first place? And why did you STAY after you found that his family's values were so drastically different than your own? And why on earth did you MARRY??? (much less have a child...)

Please see a counselor. They can help you get this sorted. Your feelings that your mIL is trying to take away your child, the feelings of inadequacy in your marriage, the feeling that he does "nothing" (except work to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head)

Oh, and family will ALWAYS be a part of each other! You can't erase geneology!

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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An tell me ...do you believe when you marry someone you marry their family, or you have your own? An have them apart..of us ..meaning our family.

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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Hi thank you,for the support an no im not..young.hes younger)an their diff,their family is diff than mine,they are all very co dependent,an a lot of them use,party ect..an I don't I belive in church being sober an having a healthy family, but she sticks up for them an says I think im to good no that's not it,i cant an wont have my baby around that lifestyle.my husband then says well why did you marry me then...im like ahh... your sober an your not your family,your you an I am me..im not my family..IM REALLY CONFUSSED ON THAT..an theirs not only me another women married into ..his cusin, she said she stays away,she has two little ones..i waited to have a baby,an had it with wrong person, he wasn't ready an her his mother,has a lot of control issues, she said to me I took her son away..she loves to fight she fights with everyone, her boss even,an her husbands children ...seems everyone who comes into the family..everyone is afraid of her shes a bully an is super mean..well I had thought,she always wanted a daughter an had a son..she never had him he would stay with his aunts for two weeks at a time,an she wants my daughter over night I say no I don't wana do overnights an she said im controlling?no..I was in my bed every night when I was little..it doesn't matter she doesn't respect me at all.. I have major issues with her an have for 3 years.shes tried everything in her power to control my husband an tells him what to do..an he listens.. but theirs so much..an yes we need counseling..badly,i don't want my daughter around adult parties an adult conversations sex talk an swearing...its bad.. im only looking out for her,befor I stayed away some... but now gosh I don't want her around that. tell me your thoughts please..

Tanya - posted on 05/23/2013

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You sound young, just like me when I had my first son with my husband. I was very threatened by MIL, her knowledge and her experience. My husband and I went through 3 yrs of marriage counseling and I am so grateful for his patience with me during those first years. NOW I am grateful for my MIL's knowledge and experience, I honest;y don't know what I would do without her. I have apologized to her so many times for the way I treated her and she admitted that she also felt threaten by my relationship with her son. We are on the same team, we both love my husband and my son and we both want whats best for them. (don't get me wrong...sometimes we still have different ideas of what is "best"). I would never take away the relationship she has with our sons, having a grandma is the BEST!! I wouldn't trade my grandmother for anything. It is special.

I highly recommend you speak with a professional. i know, i know, there's nothing wrong with you, it's THEM...I thought the exact same thing but then I realized that I don't live in a glass house and I am not perfect and that I did have control over how I reacted to my MIL.

I honestly wish you and your family the best of luck.

(Side note: DH and I have been married for 12 years, have 2 boys and my MIL now lives with us)

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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An respect for him they way he treats our daughter that was thrown out the door long ago an the way he treats me with money..he pays for it..an our daughter needs groc.my fathers here to help us..an I said can you at least call thank him..he said what you need me to wipe his ass? hes in a wheelchair! ya respect LOL.....our daughter comes first,an his mother is the reason hes like this...she enables him

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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IM frustrated that's all. I asked anyone or everyone if they deal with same,im sad for my daughter,it seems he wants nothing to do with her or having a family.. an yes im angry that's why I got on her for advice. an counslings next

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/23/2013

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He has no relationship with her...an he works40 hours a week I also worked..when I was preg. y brother in law works 70 an has a very close relationship with both children he doesn't want a relationship...im not talking bad im frustrated..its sad she doesn't know him hes here all weekend hes on the internet trying to buy a bike new truck shops...we get handme downs from sister an my father buys all the groc.for us an diapers ect..about 600 a month an my daughter gets all her clothes shoes from my sister. my husband says its his money an he earned it. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TAL;KING ABOUT but thank you

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/22/2013

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An onemore thing yes i know he has 50% of our daughter ... he doesn't want anything to do with her! so to me im her main caretaker..he doesn't feed change bath ... NOTHING SO IF I JUST SAID LAID AROUND AN SAID I DONT WANT TO I WORKED......UMM NICE. JUST BECAUSE YOU WORK DOESNT MEAN YOU GET A FREE PASS...OF BEING A DEADBEAT FATHER.. ive seen better stepdads

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/22/2013

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yes I understand that, that's fine but when she says I have not all rights an I just carried her an how she comes off...shes in therapy now..not me... an she said screaming an crying I took her son away an now her granbaby........shes the one with issues im just a mother trying to rasie my daughter ...she comes of as very unstable!an she calls her son,berfor work an tells him what he should be doing .....i dont get calls from my mother sister dad...like that..because they respect me an treat me with respect..any grandmother who wants to take my daughter to bars... the va around that....also that's an issue..i think my daughters better than that,an were all not family were our own. thats why you get married..an have your own family everyones suppose to be appart.you grow up an move on..start a new generation..the bible,god,wife,baby,an then mother..the rest..its our marriage an our baby our life...I have been throu a lot with her,doing backround checks on me she tells everyone I lie going past my house checking on me at night ..stealing mail,going throu my an my daughters mail ect.. taking her certif.of birth..an shes always wanted a daughter an she thinks shes getting mine,,,she tried taking her husbands 3 girls from their mother..she brags about it how much she spent 15 thousand...i said wow did you get them...no..you didn't,,,thats the problem an she has told me to my face I should be able to come get her when I want...shes wrong..but thanks for your advice.. also I don't think mothers should get all rights but were better at making choices ..that's what i mwant (an i said most) i seen a lot of good dads an husbands i just didn't marry one!.i know a lot of men(brother inlaw) sisters husband omg! dream husband an dad to his children everything he does is for his family..an he calls an talks to his mom when he can HIS FAMILY COMES FIRST! witch is my sister an his children THAT SHE GAVE BIRTH TO i didn't have my child for his mother...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/22/2013

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I'd say time for some counseling.

Not that your MIL doesn't perhaps have some issues, but...I see more than just a few things in your post!

First of all, it's not just YOUR baby. Your husband has 50% interest in the kid too. And, technically you ARE all a family. A family consists of the MIL too...your husband didn't just spring out of a briar patch, after all.

She calls your husband her son...and he is, so??? I don't see a problem there. She calls the baby her grandbaby...and it is, so???again, don't see a problem there. You say baby has a name and you call her that, and you call her your daughter, but that's the same type of behaviour that you're calling your MIL out on...

So, let me ask you this: do you let YOUR mother refer to the child as her grandchild? Do you let HER call herself grandmother? Double standard if you do, honey.

Quote:"I have major issues with my mother in law...it's scarey how she thinks my daughter is apart of her..." Honey, if she's your husband's mother, your daughter IS a part of her (or rather SHE is a part of your daughter)

Quote:"her son should be talking about her" I'm assuming you mean she thinks her son should be telling her how her grandchild is doing...again, not unreasonable.

I think, as I said at the beginning, you need some counseling to handle your feelings that she's trying to trump you out of your kid. And then some family sessions with your husband, so that he can see that you need his help in handling this new phase of your life.

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