Talking husband in vasectomy

Tisha - posted on 10/04/2010 ( 45 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We have two children together. He was never a fan of the idea of having kids. He loves our children very much and is an awesome dad but it wouldn't have bothered him if we never had kids. I have kicked around the idea of having one more child but he has made it very clear that he is not on board with that idea. Now I am okay either way. If we do have more then we do and if we don't we don't. We earn a decent living to support two kids but things are tight sometimes and I do look at how things would be in the future. Such as having to put 3 kids through college would be a lot more difficult than two or like when the last 3 years we spent about $300 on back to school supplies for our 8 year old but this year it was closer to $600 because they are both in school now. I have had an IUD for 4 1/2 years. I have a lot of problems with it and I don't want to have it put back in when it's time to have it removed. So, I have suggested a few times that he consider a vasectomy. He says no that I need to get my tubes tied. I really don't want to do this because I am not as dead set in my decision about having more kids. I forgot to mention that he is 8 years older than me. So he is in his thirties and I am in my twenties. I am still young and while I love my husband and I don't see anything happening with our marriage, you really never know now a days. Or, what if in 5 years we find ourselves in a better financial position and we can afford to have another child and live comfortably. A vasectomy is reversible (I know it's not 100% definite that the reversal will work but there is more of a chance than with having my tubes tied). Also, a vasectomy is less invasive. In reality he could go back to work 24 - 48 hours after having the procedure done. While the recovery is a little longer with getting tubes tied. I need some suggestions here. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do because I don't want him to resent me later but he really is the one that doesn't want more kids. I am the one that has battled with birth control off and on for 11 years and all of the side effects that come along with it. Shouldn't he have to take a turn?

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Angie - posted on 10/06/2010

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You can't talk him into a vasectomy and you shouldn't even try. I think it's fair for you to discuss it and then let him make the decision.

Jayde - posted on 10/06/2010

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You've given birth to 2 kids & had an IUD, i'd say you've done enough with your body. Also like you said it's a lot more invasive for you to do it. I'd tell him that you're taking out the IUD & if he doesn't want any more kids then he has to get a vasectomy or no sex. I probably sound like a bitch to some people but i'm sick of hearing (my friends mainly) that the man never has to do anything when it comes to contraception- its his responsibility too. good luck in whatever you choose :)

Samantha - posted on 10/06/2010

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This is an interesting topic, cause I'm in the same boat...we have 2 kids and I can't take pills anymore due to the bad side effects, I've suggested vasectomy to my husband but he refuses it...we can't even use condoms so we're not having sex, cause I absolutely don't want a 3rd baby; it seems he doesn't care since he can live without sex and doesn't even care to talk about this problem. He says I'm the one who should think about a birth control method, but what can I do if I feel awfully when I'm on pills?!?!?! I know vasectomy is easier than have my tubes tied, but men usually think that it's not their business, they mustn't take care of this. I wonder how this situation will last since it's simply destroying our marriage!

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Personally I think there's a difference between him "tkaing a turn" with contraception and having a vasectomy. Discuss this with him. If he doesn't want one that's his choice, but at the same time explain to him that if you have your coil removed and he doesn't want anymore children he'll have to use condoms.

Heather - posted on 10/06/2010

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I agree you cannot force him into having a vasectomy. However, if you do not want to wear an IUD I wouldn't. put the birth control ball in his court. He CAN wear the condoms now.

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Brie - posted on 04/04/2015

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Same situation here!! Except we're officially pregnant with our third, which was totally unexpected!!! Now I feel obligated to get my tubes tied because he still refuses!!! Trust me you can not talk him into it or make him do anything.... Doesn't matter what you've gone through because he hasn't, and he never will... He has nothing to compare the pain and frustration you've gone though to. As far as he knows a vasectomy is the worst thing in the world... If you want it done, do it yourself... He's not gonna get it if he's dead set against it.. And eventually you'll have to learn to be okay with that.. Which is why after we have our next child I will be getting my tubes tied...

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IMO, no one should be forced one way or another to get a vsectomy or get tubes tied. I don't buy into the bullshit of "I carried the baby, I gave birth, I nursed, now it's the man's turn to experience something". IMO, I think that's a selfish attitude and devalues your relationship. Having eithe rof the procedures should be a well thought-out an dplanned, researched decision. What works for one couple maky not work for another couple. While it is 100% safer and easier for a man to get snipped, it may not be the overall best solution for a couple. I would love for my husband to get snipped, but he absolutely refuses. Therefore, if I want to ensure no further pregnancies, I can be pro-active in getting my tubes tied. I'm not going to whine and bitch over it. It's just a fact that if this is what *I* want, then it's going to happen to *my* body.

Krista - posted on 10/09/2010

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While rare, people HAVE died during routine procedures in which you have to be put under. A vasectomy calls for no sedatives at all and he's up and about that very same day. It's NOT invasive and there's little to no recovery time.

Cassy - posted on 10/08/2010

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the implanon implant is really easy, just gets inserted into your arm and you don't have any worries. you get it changed once every three years. i agree though that the men should take a little of the responsibility, why should we be the only ones to go through the annoying, embarrasing and sometimes painful experiences of various birth control methods?

Jillian - posted on 10/08/2010

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My husband and I have 2 kids together. After our second was born he was very much on board with having a vasectomy done. The procedure is very simple and it can be reversed, although we chose to get the permanent done. My husband was home for about 2 days off work and felt just fine the following day after the surgery. If I were to get my tubes tied I would have been in bed for about a week and he would have had to take off work longer to help me. Also, if I would have got my tubes tied I would not have been able to drive or lift anything heavier than the baby for 2 weeks. He may not be able to lift anything heavy for about 3 days.
Have you both talked with the dr? Most doctors agree the vasectomy is the better way to go.
If you decide for a 3rd baby you can always adopt, or at least that is what my husband and I have decided.
Also, I can tell you our love life is so much more fun now! So that could be a perk for him.
Hope this helps!

Gretchen - posted on 10/07/2010

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Have you considered the patch or shot or even a diaphragm? All not wonderful options for sure, but I havn't seen anyone really mention them as possiblities. I agree that your husband is being a bit unreasonable if he won't even consider using condoms, but I don't think it's wise to insist that he get surgery done and it is especially unwise to withhold sex until he agrees to do what you want. That would be a real good way to cause a possible irrepairable rift in your marriage. I would caution you against the tubal ligation for more reasons than you might want more kids later...I know many women, my own mother included, who have had severe hormonal problems afterward and later were required to have a hysterectomy. On the other hand, though most of the women who have commented on here about the vasectomy have stated their husbands had no adverse effects from it, I personally know men who have had a very noticeable drop in sex drive. Surgery always comes with very real risks, even if they are reported to be small. Personally, I was on the pill for the first two years of marriage, til we wanted to expand our family. After our first child was born we switched to condoms because of concern over the hormones in the pill. I have had 3 more children (youngest is 2 months old now), but not a one of them was unplanned. Condoms are a slight inconvenience, but it is minor, and they are cheap, effective, easy to use and they are not an interference. I would encourage trying to convince your husband to use them if hormonal solutions cause problems for you.

Sneaky - posted on 10/06/2010

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Tisha, I am glad you have the option of having it done (unlike me! I'm over 25 AND I have three kids, grrr) but why should you? As you said, you might want another baby one day . . if he is the one that definitely never wants to have another baby (with you or anyone else) then it would be incredibly selfish of him to make you have it done, has he considered a possible future were you might be with another partner? If he loves you and wants you to be happy then he has to consider that if something terrible happened to him you might move on eventually.

I hope you get to a resolution soon!

Tisha - posted on 10/06/2010

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Thank you so much everyone for all of your feedback. I have done all of the research and we are well aware of all of the procedures to choose from (for both of us) and we are well aware of all of the side effects, recovery times, etc. I guess I just feel like he's being a little selfish. He doesn't want a vasectomy (which I can understand because it's permanent and a huge decision to make) and he doesn't want to use condoms but HE's the one that doesn't want another baby. He feels that it is totally my responsibility to take care of not getting pregnant. So, I'm still not really sure what to do. I really like the idea of having the IUD removed and telling him that he needs to figure something out or start picking out baby names. I'm not the one that is soooo concerned about making sure another one doesn't come along so I don't think I should have to suffer from the with holding of sex just to teach him a lesson. And as I said. I don't want to force him in to something. Very good advice from everyone. I have a lot to think about!!!

Tisha - posted on 10/06/2010

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@Tracey A. I live in the U.S. and here where I live the general rule is you must be 25 or have 3 kids for them to tie your tubes. So, if you are under 25 but have 3 kids you can get it done. I am 27 and have 2.

Sherri - posted on 10/06/2010

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However, having your tubes tied is now done laparoscopically and is also done as an outpatient procedure.

Cristin - posted on 10/06/2010

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my husband and I have only been married for four years, but we have discussed having children and we've also discussed birth control. We have three children, and I am currently on birth control. He has told me that he feels birth control is unnatural for a woman's body, and after a good solid 10 yrs or so, if we both feel strongly about not having any more children, he'll get the vasectomy. He has expressed his concerns about my body taking all the stresses of pregnancy, then all the hormones to prevent pregnancy later. He doesn't want me taking birth control all the way up 'til menopause...he says the vasectomy will be "his turn" to take on the responsibility of birth control. I think your husband is being rather selfish in his decision to flat out refuse, especially when he is so dead set on not having any more children. Also, his procedure would be much easier than you getting your tubes tied. It's an outpatient procedure. He will definitely need a bag of frozen peas down there, and some pain killers for the 1st 24 hrs, but he will go home that very same day. As your husband, he should at the VERY LEAST, consider all the difficulty you've been having with this IUD. I say, it's his turn for sure, and my husband agrees!

Sherri - posted on 10/06/2010

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Ya well I don't appreciate the language. I don't swear at anyone on this board ever and I have all the information as well THANK YOU!!

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2010

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Sherri, these days it is done pretty much under a local anaesthetic followed by a very small hole in the scrotum. That is standard procedure. It takes about 10 minutes in a doctor's office (someone who specialises, of course). Given my husband had one, and we researched it, I have all my information, but thank you anyway.



I wasn't slamming you, I was saying your information was bullshit. That's different. It wasn't personal. 2-3 days recovery under normal circumstances.

Sherri - posted on 10/06/2010

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Depends which vasectomy men receive the scalpel vasectomy or the non scalpel vasectomy. When you have the scalpel vasectomy. Men have a wound and tissue that needs to heal taking up to 6-7days before resuming to normal activities. So before you slam people maybe you should have all your information. There are 2 different ways a man can have a vasectomy depending on what kind will work best for him.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2010

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"Recovery time from a vasectomy is 7 days to return to normal activities so it is basically the same recovery time. "

Sherri, I don't know where you got your facts from, but that is utter bullshit. Recovery time is only about 2-3 days. My husband was back at work (a physical job) within 3 days, as was advised by his doctor.

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Stop his sex! If he doesnt want any more kids tell him he doesnt get any more sex until he sorts something out.

Heather - posted on 10/06/2010

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After our second child, my husband and I went to see the doctor together and we discussed all contraceptive options for both of us.



It was really good as my husband heard about the many side effects and problems and risks of female contraception, such as the pill, depo injections, tubes tied, etc He also discussed the expense of condoms, latex allergies etc After being fully educated we went with the referral to the surgeon. We were both sure that we were properly informed and ready to make a permanent decision.



A Vasectomy is not considered a reversible decision and this was made very clear to us by the doctor and also the surgeon he referred my husband to. The procedure took less than four hours and he was back at work the next day.



I would suggest you make an appointment together at your local family planning clinic or your doctor and get all the facts so you can make the best decisions for both of you..

Michelle - posted on 10/06/2010

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from what i understand re the two decisions (male/female) the female only gets her tubes clamped (reversable if you both decide on the third child) but a vesectomy is alot harder to reverse, so i would be opting for the tubes tied as it would work in your favour if you decide to go for the third. Also i guess be happy with two as you may drive your husband away with trying for a third/giving birth to the third. And now there are two kids envolved. in the end it is up to you two to make the decision you are both happy with. if i was the husband and wanted no more kids i would be opting for the vesectomy and i spose tell him that after the surgery he has to have sex like 20 times to make sure it has worked lol. Good luck with your decision and hope you make the right one that suits both of you:)

Amber - posted on 10/06/2010

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yeah, In a marriage I dont think it is only the womans job to worry about birth control. You guys are supposed to be a team and Its time he stops being a baby and take one for the team.

Sneaky - posted on 10/06/2010

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I haven't read all the posts here, so if some one else has said this already I am sorry for repeating it!

I am in Australia here and when I mentioned having my tubes tied to my doctor he laughed at me - he said there was no way in hell I would find a doctor who would do that on me since I am so young . . .and I am in my early 30's!!! So I doubt you could find a doctor to do that surgery on you anyway.

One of my doubts was also that I do not think it is my right to undergo a general anesthetic and elective surgery and all the risks associated with that when I have three children and a husband who prefer having me here and healthy!

We chucked the vasectomy idea because I don't know what the future holds. What if we get divorced one day and he wants more kids with a new partner? I guess I just do not like the idea of having anything that might not be reversible done. . .

For the moment I have the implant in my arm, it last three years and I am one of the lucky ones who gets to suffer the side effect of NO PERIODS. Yea! I guess we get to revisit the discussion in three years though :o)

Good luck with your decision.

Sherri - posted on 10/05/2010

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Actually it is no more invasive then Laparoscopic Hysterectomy it used to be major surgery it no longer is. It is now considered day surgery and recovery time is less then 6 days to return to normal activities. Recovery time from a vasectomy is 7 days to return to normal activities so it is basically the same recovery time.

However, I don't think it is fair for either one to force the other to have any surgery. What about the Depo shot or another form of birth control. Also who cares if he is in 30's and you are in your 20's that should have no baring on the discussion what so ever. Because we are the ones that get pregnant I feel it is up to us to deal with the birth control or not too if that be the case. However, that is only my opinion. If you want him to be in charge of it there are always condoms.

Amber - posted on 10/05/2010

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I have three children, I had planned on getting my tubes tied after our third that was just born in march. Ive had all the IUD's, hated them. not good with pills etc. I told him I wasnt going to put myself through surgery. Its much less of a procedure for men to have a vasectomy than a woman to have her tubes tied. It heals faster, less pain etc. I told him I had done my part in being pregnant and giving birth three times and this was his part lol. He agreed and did it.

JuLeah - posted on 10/05/2010

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Louise .... I think maybe your issue need professional help. I have never heard of a man reacting like that. Hormone inbalance? Issues around what it means to be a man? Two years is long enough to live with this. Bring in a professional. You can talk with one, even if he won't.

Jodi - posted on 10/05/2010

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Tisha, I think you need to understand that it becomes less reversible over time. Basically, following a vasectomy, there is some sort of back pressure effect which damages sperm production, or can create another blockage of the testes. So basically, you chances of reverals and actually conceiving after 10 years (as an example) is pretty slim compared to someone reversing it after 3 years. If you have your hearts set on leaving your options open, just keep this in mind.

Louise, I agree that your husband's issue sounds psychological, and he really needs to see a counsellor. Maybe reversing it will change him, and it would be worth it if it could possibly save your marriage. Can you get him to talk to someone?

Jill - posted on 10/05/2010

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If he does get a vasectomy make sure he goes back and gets it checked!! My husband had one after our third son and never went back and got checked...my FOURTH son is now 2 years old!! We love him dearly and wouldn't change things for the world now but it was a huge shock to say the least!! Just go back for the check up!!

Kathy - posted on 10/05/2010

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My husband suggested the vasectomy. It was done on a Friday. Fifteen minute procedure, then icing and pain meds for the weekend. By the time Sunday came around, he was fine. A lot easier and safer than having my tubes tied. It was such a freeing procedure. We have never regretted it! Let him know you won't be having the iud again because of the side effects and he can take care of birth control. He has a couple of options-no sex, a condom, or the vasectomy. Good luck!

Tracy - posted on 10/05/2010

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@ Louise, it sounds more of a mental issue with your husband than physiological. I've known MANY men who have gotten it done, and not one went that direction. Have you spoken to the dr who performed it? Have you tried counseling? His manhood hasn't been taken away, he needs to understand that.

Louise - posted on 10/05/2010

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@ sarah if I thought it was a easy as that I would of suggested it. I wish it was I really do. He had so many problems after having it done I dare not tell him to reverse it. I just hope that one day something will click inside his head and he will be the man he once was. :-(

Jessica - posted on 10/05/2010

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I'd have him talk to his doctor about the procedure. And if any of his friends have had it done, they would be great to talk to. You can't force him to have a vasectomy and many men are afraid to have surgery on their very special parts!!
My hubby had a vasectomy a year ago and didn't have any problems. He tells all his friends how easy it was and their wives appreciate that!
Maybe explain to him how much more invasive and expensive it is to have your tubes tied as oppsosed to him having a vasectomy.
Good luck!

Tisha - posted on 10/05/2010

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@ Tracey - I'm not sure if you were referring to an IUD when you said coil. I already have an IUD and have had nothing but problems. It is now time to have it removed. I researched the coil and that does cause permanent infertility, which is what I don't want. I am not ready to give up the option of having another baby. I would like it the still be out there just in case!

Julie - posted on 10/05/2010

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HELLO!!! Let him know that you carried the kids and delivered them and that if he really doesn't want another one then he needs to get the surgery, if not then what happend, happens. See if he is willing to take the risk of having a third,or he is really done having kids.

Sarah - posted on 10/05/2010

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Louise...tell your hubby to go have them re-attached. Maybe that will get him out of his funk.

Tracey - posted on 10/05/2010

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If you think things may change in 5 years have a coil fitted. They last 3 - 5 years.

Louise - posted on 10/05/2010

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Can I just say that my marriage has been totally destroyed by a vasectomy. It was a mutual decision to have it done as we did not want any more kids. We had an active sex life and were very close, married for 18 years and had two teenage kids and a baby on the way that was planned. He had his vasectomy whilst I was 7 months pregnant and everything was fine. Within a month my husband went from a kind hearted family man to be introverted and bad tempered. His sex drive no longer exists and he has huge mood swings.We have had many long chats about this and he says he feels demasculated. I have not found any research about this as a side effect but believe me it exists. We are now two years on and things have not changed. I seriously believe that the vasectomy was the crux to this and I wish we had not had it done

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This is an age old arguement between couples but realistically it is quite a major decision that does effect both of you so it should be a decision both of you make. There are pros & cons to both tubal ligation & vasectomy & which one is better for you depends entirley on your situation & your own health. For example, if you have had issues with other forms of birth control then the possibilities of you having hormonal difficulties after having a tubal ligation will possibly be increased. On the other hand if there is a high incidence of Prostate cancer in his family then there might be a slight increase in the risk of him developing it after a vasectomy.



I suggest taking him with you to your family doctor & talking about the pros' cons & risks associated with both procedures as they relate to your particular situation. It's not about "Who's turn it is" but about what is best for you as individuals & as a family.

Jodi - posted on 10/04/2010

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My husband had a vasectomy. It just made sense to us after doing the research.

In addition to the things you listed, the vasectomy also only has a failure rate of 1 in 2000. A tubal has a failure rate of 1 in 300. That was a BIG factor for us.

My husband had his done on a Friday and was back at work on Monday, so generally it only means one day off work.

Tracy - posted on 10/04/2010

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A LOT of men get really squirrely when you talk about cutting into their boys. Maybe ask him to talk to some men that have been through the procedure? I've talked to many guys that have done it, and all but one had no problem. A bit sore for a few days, but nothing major. Keep in mind you may not change his mind. Let him know that you're done doing the pills, patch, IUD, etc so he can wear a condom.

Lisa - posted on 10/04/2010

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My partner said two kids was enough but did not want to get a vasectomy so I finally agreed to go on birth control but told him that I did not think it was fair because I hate the affects that birth control has on my body. After a year of battling with birth control and what it was doing to my body, I told him I was coming off of birth control and it was now his responsibility. Baby #3 is due in January and he agreed to a vasectomy. :)

Alison - posted on 10/04/2010

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Gosh! My situation is the opposite - he wants more kids and I don't. I always thought the vasectomy was the smart way to go, but I have recently come to understand that the one who doesn't want children needs to take responsibility for the birth control. Your hubby is being a bit of a jerk. What happens if you tell him you've got an appointment for the removal of your IUD and he better schedule a vasectomy before you get preggers?

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