Talking to your child about her biological father.

Desimari - posted on 01/29/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My little girl just turned 4 and her bio dad has not been in her life for more than 2 years. I met my fiancé about 2 years ago and she calls him dad. I don't know when is it a good time to talk to her about her bio dad. Her bio dad recently wanted to know about her but I still don't know exactly if now is the right time.

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Sarah - posted on 01/29/2015

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As for if the right time is now to have contact with her bio dad that is something you will have to figure out. In some ways the younger she is the easier it might be on her, but there are many things to take into consideration.

As for when to talk to her about her bio dad.....that should be now. She should always know about her bio dad. It should be something that is open and honest. It does not always have to be talked about, but it should be something that is always a thing that can be talked about and the opportunity should always be there. If you have pictures of him that would be a good way of just having it out there. She does not need to know all the details about him right now. Have a flip book of pictures of people that are in her life, grandparents, even bio grandparents, bio dad, friends, babysitter, etc. Then have that book out where she can look at it and you can talk about who each person is. This lets her know about her bio dad. When she has questions she will ask and then you can talk more about him at that time.

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2015

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Has she met him yet? If not, better sooner than later. While it may seem confusing you can help her to understand that she has two men in her life. If she calls you fiance "dad" then choose a term for her bio-dad that helps demonstrate that the two men are not interchangeable. Calling one "dad" and the other "papa, pops, dada, father" whatever, will help her know they hold separate spots. I don't encourage you to ever lie about the situation, but rather follow her lead. She is four, so she can probably understand the basics of the biology. Using terms like "real dad" or "not your real dad" will be confusing. Answer her questions as they come up. She may ask why she only has one mama? You can answer that honestly, that she grew in your tummy and you are the only mama she has, but she has a dad and a "papa". Papa knew mama before you were born and he loves you a lot.

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Dove - posted on 01/29/2015

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2 years ago would have been the right time to be talking to her about her bio father... so now would be good. If he wants to know about her... now is also a good time for them to start getting to know each other unless drugs or abuse has been what has kept him away... in which case you would want to know that he is clean and/or been in anger management classes... or you have a third party supervisor in addition to yourself in order to begin visits.

Desimari - posted on 01/29/2015

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Thank you for your help. I have been thinking about this for almost a month and I don't want to keep it from her and I like the idea of the flip book. I just didn't know how she would understand the whole situation.

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