Tattoos and my feelings wrong of me or normal?

Ashley - posted on 01/24/2016 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Okay so this might sound a lottle weird. But i really need somr clarity for other women who are married. So recently my husbands mother passed away and he told me he wanted to get a tattoo on his chest next to his heart in tribute to his mother. I kind of got a little upset because it made me feel like inwas second best because he said he wouldn't get my name on his chest next to his heart. He said its biblical that his mother is his heart because he is of his mothers heart. I don't think it make any sense. I feel a little second place in his heart... i dont know how to explain this and i don't know why i feel this eay over a tattoo and it not being me. Any suggestions or hypothesis?

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Jodi - posted on 01/26/2016

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Ashley, it's going to take time. I've seen you post several times about your husband's grief, and it seems it has been incredibly recent. Almost like you want him to wake up a month later and things to be back to normal. That's not likely to happen. Did you seek some outside counselling for yourself to know how to be supportive through this? I'm sure the funeral home would have a service to support you. It actually really does sound like you could benefit from it. I am saying that to be helpful - sometimes we can all use some help,. This is one of those times for you. Grief is such a personal thing and it seems you really are struggling with your husband's grief, but he lost two parents very close together, so this is understandably difficult for him. Seek some support for yourself to help you support him.

Jodi - posted on 01/27/2016

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Ashley, I think the statement that bothers me most from your post is this :"I blame my saddness on the things that he does and doesnt do for me. When really my issues run deeper than that. I have to blame my dad and my mother for my sadness and my feeling of lack of importance."

As an adult, you actually need to learn to stop blaming others for the fact that you are unhappy NOW and move forward. YOU are responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else. Even if there were some things your parents did in the past that you feel unhappy about, you need to actually take control of that and do something about it. For this reason, I do believe that counselling would be beneficial. Then maybe you can become responsible for your own happiness instead of attributing your sadness to everyone else.

By saying this I am NOT disregarding that perhaps things have happened to put you in this position, I am simply suggesting that as long as you continue to "blame" others for your sadness, you will always believe you don't have control over that for yourself. At the end of the day, YOU are responsible for your sense of self.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/27/2016

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It sounds as if you're understandably overwhelmed, but you need to step back.

There's more bothering you than a simple tattoo. Work on some counseling, both of you.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2016

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Ashley, please understand that people process grief differently. If you're expecting him to process it the same as you would, then that's not being fair to him. No wonder he would pull away from you if you're not considerate of his grief. You don't have to understand his process or try to "fix" it for him. You just have to accept that his way is different than yours and be there for him if he needs you. If you have needs that aren't getting met, then you need to calmly talk to your husband about what he's neglecting while he's going through the grieving process. Don't blame him, don't accuse him. Use "I" statements... such as "I feel lonely when you are withdrawn."

Lisa - posted on 01/25/2016

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Do you think this might be his way of processing his grief? Some people feel a real connection to their extended family. It doesn't mean that it needs to affect your relationship with your husband, if you don't let it. Can you walk with him on this journey and help him process? He may just be processing things out loud with you, and trying to think through options. Give him feedback, be compassionate and love him through it. Sorry for your husband's loss!

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Ashley - posted on 02/03/2016

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@shawnn:

My mom was 17 when she had me. She was going to give me up for adoption but my dad was 21 and took care of me instead. Although he did take care of me. He neglected me a lot. They did their best. I do know what happened my mom and dad were on drugs that is how they met. They got pregnant with me and my mom was living with her mother who told her to give me up for adoption but my dad did not allow that. I dont need therapy if after 10 years of being in and out of it and it has not really helped i dont need to keep wasting my time and money. They are only going to tell me the same things over and over again anyway.

I was a child so at that time YES my PARENTS are to blame, it was their decision to have sex and get pregnant. It was solely their responsibility to take care of me. I did not ask to come into this world they chose to give me life and not take care as best as they should have. Funk it though im better for it. Things are getting a little better and better everyday. I recently spoke with my mom again and we will see how it pans out with trying to rebuild our relationship.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/28/2016

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Wow. You are blaming quite a lot on others here.

YOU have to take control of your life, and quit waiting for others to make things better, or make things happen.

You say that "She has been really good at making me feel second best my entire life. She had another child after me and took very good care of my sister. Kept her and did not want to give her up for adoption like me... "~~Honey, you have NO CLUE what your biological parents did or did not go through when they made the decision to put you up for adoption, but to say that your mother 'wanted' your biological sister and 'kept' her when she gave you up for adoption...PERHAPS, (hey, just throwing this out there) your BM was not able to care for you? Was maybe not financially stable? Was maybe a teen pregnancy that was forced to give you up? Because, trust me, sweetie...That decision may be one of the toughest ones to make, to give up your child.

Please consult with professionals.

Ashley - posted on 01/28/2016

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@Jodi: I did for a long time blame my sadness on a lot of things but really what it stems from i believe is my lack of confidence in myself and low self esteem because i had kids and it tore my body up (as it does almost every woman). I feel like this and i crave my husbands attention because my parents were not there for me like they should have been. At 11 years old i was molested and raped. A man forced himself on me and told me he would kill my dad if he did that. I was a kid so i had no idea about the laws and that he could have went to jail. Now I have no where to look and i cant find that guy anymore to bring justice to my life and closure. So since that age i became really promiscuous and as a child (BECAUSE I WAS STILL A CHILD) i craved the attention of other men because my dad was too high on drugs to give a shit.

I recently told my dad about this and ive kept this a secret for 14 years. He feels terrible as for my mother. She has been really good at making me feel second best my entire life. She had another child after me and took very good care of my sister. Kept her and did not want to give her up for adoption like me...

I have been in and out of counseling for the last 10years. I think it just may be time for me to go back.. may be i just might be a little bi-polar...

Jodi, I do struggle terribly to not blame others and its a work in progress everyday but thank you for reminding me though that i dont need to do that..

Ashley - posted on 01/27/2016

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My husband would give me the moon and the sun if he could. I know it. He has bought me roses and has showed me appreciation and love before... I am just realizing that he really is just really going through something so hard to cope with that he is knocked completely off axis.

Ashley - posted on 01/27/2016

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@Raye: I guess my sudden change was because I sat down and really thought about it. The reason I felt like that with him was because I had no one to watch our kids so of course It makes sense that he gets to go out and do those types of things. If i lived close to family and friends then maybe him and i could talk about going out. We dont agree with letting anyone watch our kids not even licensed day care providers. He loves me so much he doesnt want me to work. He doesnt want me to have to lift a finger to pay the bills he covers it all. He just wants me to take care of our children. In todays society, both parents work and the man wants to woman to pay half of everything.

He had to leave me alone a lot because he would have to work a lot during this time and whenever he didnt work we would be close together. I have always been kind of a perpetually sad person and its not fair that i put that on him. I blame my saddness on the things that he does and doesnt do for me. When really my issues run deeper than that. I have to blame my dad and my mother for my sadness and my feeling of lack of importance. My husband does what is priceless for us. Not a honeymoon or a date or a movie can amount to the things that we do for each other. Not a lot of men now a days are willing to take on the responsibility of the finances in the house and to provide for 5 people alone is tough. He is not himself.

My change in attitude happened because I was looking at old pictures of us before the kids and the bills and the stress. We were free and happy and we can have that again. Its only because we have responsibilities and that can often wear down a couple. We have the ability to happy again we are just going through so much... I am being TOO hard on him. He just lost both of his parents and on top of this we are paying $430 a month for a car that broke down twice in the same month he lost his parents. Which has costed us a total of $2,000 in repairs and parts. on top of this his wages are being garnished for a medical bill we couldnt afford to pay. We didnt even have the money for him to go see his mom a final time we put ourselves in debt so he could get there to pull his mother off of life support. Ive been really insensitive. Yeah we had problems before but its not like that anymore. We have been late on our rent for the last two months and we have all these money issues that are just tearing my husband down. I asked him why we are not so romantic and he had the best response "how do you want me to be romantic with you when we have children all over the damn place". He said "we will get our chance please just have faith in me. We are just going through so much". I really just sat down and talked with him about everything i have been pouring out on here and he totally accepted me and my feelings and he was not at all upset. He cleared up a lot of the crap i was thinking.

When we got married we didnt even plan it, it was like a moonlight wedding. It was in our intentions to get married but we had no idea people had planned a wedding for us so fast. There is just sooo much going on in our life right now that of course he is distracted. It makes sense. I dont know what it feels like to have to wake up at 3am every morning to be at work to be in a place you dont have any desire to be. Just to work to have to pay all the bills and always end up f****** broke. I would work but its most cost affective right now because i would be looking at $2,100 a month or more to have all three of my kids watched at a daycare. So it works out this way. We just have to give this some more time.

Right?? I mean do i sound crazy... I think i sounded crazy at first being really selfish.. Like really why do i care about a tattoo? Its seriously not that big of a deal but it took me tallking to you and these other women to see the bigger picture.

Raye - posted on 01/27/2016

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Ashley, I don't understand the sudden flip in your attitude. You spell out all these problems you've had... He left you "alone a lot and he would go out to bars and casinos and gamble and drink and smoke and did drugs" while you were struggling with a newborn, post partum, and death of your grandfather. He always makes you feel like you are not a priority in his life. He's not affectionate toward you. "He is mostly quiet and can be very distant." So, now you don't know that these are problems you've been having for a while?

I agree that maybe you're expecting more than this guy is willing to give, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve more then you're getting. You should both be willing to work on it together.

Ashley - posted on 01/26/2016

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@Raye: I honestly dont know its that we have been having problems for a long time. See what i think the deal is, is that we live so far away from any and all family. We have no one to ever watch our kids for us. We do not trust strangers and that is why i stay home with my kids. Maybe if we moved closer to our family then we could truly have our time together. I honestly have been re-reading a lot of what has been said on this post. It has allowed me to realize, without going to therapy that I am honestly being really selfish. It is NOT his responsibility to attend to my happiness all the time. Which i always do rely on him. Like some hopeful romantic of a sort and its not fair to him because he is a human and has emotions too. He is only a man and cannot express them like i want him too. I guess they say actions speak louder than words and the only reason he made the journey to see his mother was because that was the last time that we as a family ever got to see his Mother in her natural awake and peaceful happy state. Sitting amongst her grandchildren. Thank you guys for all your feedback. It helped me realize this and I am thankful for you guys. I feel terrible and owe my husband an apology big time. I feel like an A%%.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2016

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It sounds like you have been having problems with him for a long time, and this is kind of the last straw. If he has always made you feel second, then you have allowed that by not respecting yourself enough to get your needs met. So why should he act any different now. If a husband and wife are not supportive of each other, then why be in a relationship at all. You should not put the weight of all your happiness on his shoulders, but he should at least be contributing to your happiness. You both could benefit from counseling if you want to try to salvage the relationship. If he's not willing, then maybe that gives you the answer you need.

Ashley - posted on 01/26/2016

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@Raye: I have done that I always use "I" Statements. I learned that a long time ago its rude and disrespectful to tell someone about themselves and say "you" "you" "you". It only leads to arguments. So i try expressing my emotions and feelings by saying "i feel lonely all while you are going through this". His response to me was to seek out attention elsewhere. He said that he cannot be my emotional support that I have to talk to friends and family becasue he is going through something too. Which i can respect. I definitely dont blame him and I am not holding it against him.

Ashley - posted on 01/26/2016

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@ JODI: No i have not gotten so seek outside counseling. His mother was cremated and nothing was offered there was no service. I do not expect him to wake up one day a month later and pretend like nothing happened. I just feel sad for us because since we have been married all he could talk about was making plans to do things with me and our children and do things with his mother. Now that she is no longer here he has no plans and he has nothing to say to me anymore. This whole time i thought that i was the motivation and the true happiness he felt. I guess I was wrong. Is this what it feels like to be married and to have a husband who (while his mother was alive) would make me feel second best most of the time? For example we drove 1,700 miles to see his mother, but we cant even drive 1 hr away to do something dedicated to us. I am not at all trying to be selfish I just wish someone could understand how i feel.

I experienced the loss of my grand father and his support for me was not at all satisfactory. He left me alone a lot and he would go out to bars and casinos and gamble and drink and smoke and did drugs a couple times and few times i caught him watching porn. Hang out with friends and coworkers... All while i was going through a depression of losing my grandfather and having just had a baby i was also going through post partum depression and staying home almost everyday. (At that time we only had one car). So i guess this is what has made it hard for me to be empathetic and sympathetic.

He is mostly quiet and can be very distant. We have not been married for that long about 5 years now. Everything we were doing was in honor of his mother and we really havent taken anything out of our marriage for ourselves except for our children. We wanted to have kids. We have not been on a honey moon and what i am really seeking is closeness with him and affection. Yes we are intimate at times but it is nothing like it used to be. while the news of his mother is devastating I wished that we would celebrate her in happiness rather than in sadness.

I will go online and seek some counseling though because i guess i am being rather callouse.

Ashley - posted on 01/26/2016

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I guess i am just craving his attention and him to do something in regards to me that is so special anf wonderful... what that may be i have no idea.... and i should just be leaving him alone in this time (unless he needs me).

Gena - posted on 01/25/2016

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I think it is a very nice way to honor his mother. I personally am full of tats. I have my husbands name tattooed on my arm. He doesn't have my name tattooed but it doesn't bother me at all. We both have our wedding rings tattooed and our wedding date with semper fi. I think you are overreacting. I also have a tattoo for my sister that passed away and one for my living mom and living dad..but not for my other living sister. Not that I don't love her to bits. It's just a personal choice. For my son I got a symbol tattooed instead of his name and birthdate...because I have enough dates and names on my body. And I am definitely not getting anymore names or dates tattooed. Like I said I really don't care that my husband hasn't got my name tattooed. I know he loves me and he doesn't need to prove it under his skin. Well to be honest my name wouldn't even look nice on him cuz its so long (Genevieve) and he is full of biomechanical and skulls.
As far as I know the bible tells us not to tattoo or mark our skin.

Sarah - posted on 01/25/2016

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Perhaps your husband meant to say it was a "biological" not "biblical" tie to his mother? Like the other moms have pointed out, it is a tribute to his dead mother.

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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Technically calling it biblical is wrong as when you marry you leave your parents and become one w/ your spouse.

Other than that... I don't know what to tell you. I would not be happy as I do not like tattoos at all and wouldn't be married to someone that would want a tattoo... and if that changed it would certainly bother me, but it's also his body and his decision and as a spouse it would be my 'job' to support that.

Raye - posted on 01/25/2016

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I have several tattoos, all hidden under normal clothes. Personally I am against having names of anyone on my body. However, I do understand having family (mother, father, children) names as tattoos, as they are your blood. No offense, but you never know how secure your relationship is with your partner. In this day and age, you have a 50/50 chance. Family is family, even if you can't stand them they are your blood and that is a tighter bond than with any other living being. This doesn't mean he's not dedicated to you or that your marriage is doomed. Marriage is what you make of it, and if you want to hold a grudge over something like that, then that's up to you, but I don't think it's worth the energy to worry about it.

Michelle - posted on 01/25/2016

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I agree with Jodi, he wants something to remember his dead Mother by and it's very normal for people to get tattoo's to remember.

Jodi - posted on 01/24/2016

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Personally, I think you are overreacting......it's a tribute to his dead mother. If that's how he feels he can be close to her in some way, then leave it alone. This is his way of managing his grief. He doesn't NEED your name on his chest near his heart - he has you in person.

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