Teen Behaviors

Nikki - posted on 09/12/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

6

0

0

My teen daughter takes things of ours and hides them. Its usually important to us but not to her.Usually things that will really mess your whole day up make you late but you have to find it!Shoes shirts ect... Its very frusterating.My sons new shoe dissapeared off of my bed.We couldn't fid it for days then my favorite walking shoe dissapeared.I carefully had these shoes where I knew where they are.Different things happen all the time.One time I couldnt fid my favorite strapless bra ad I was running late for an appointment.I came home ad there it was laying in front of my closet where I had searched for 2-3 times already.I know it was intentionally placed there after the evet after it had inconveienced me.Back to the shoes.I took all of my daughters shoes bagged them up and told her she would not get any of them back until the other shoes are found.She began screaming asking me if I was taking away my favored childs shoes as well.I said no because he didn't hide his own shoe. I left and came home and she had both pairs in the middle of the living room floor.She said she found one in bottom of laundry basket and the other in the closet where once again we had searched multiple times and I am certain that shoe was not in that closet.Other thigs have gone on like cut cheese holes in my favorite expensive satin sheets.holes cut with scissors in my husbands work shorts and shirts! Ive just started doing things back to her.If she cuts mine I cut hers! IDK if thats right but it seems that everytime she is disciplined or she is upset with us about something she doesn't like we know something is going to end up missing or damaged.Our silverware and dishes dissapear as well as our neighbors silverware as well.She went through all of my Christmas ornament gave some away to neighbors without asking me ad I found pretty much the rest of them emptied out and crushed to pieces i the backyard but she denies doing it!!!One time my sons new flip flop was cut with scissors so I grabbed her new aeropostale flip flops that I just bought for her and cut those.She knew right away I had done it and I told her yes dont ever cut anyones shoes again.Then she says wow how will everyone feel when they know my mom cut my flip flop! I dont know if I should do it back however if shes going to lie about it and continue to do it.I feel necessary to get even because I refuse to be punished in my own home!!!!!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 09/13/2013

3,529

36

3906

The main thing here is to find out WHY she is acting out like this. Just punishing it or providing consequences is not going to help if you can't also address the reason she is doing this. Have you considered counselling for her to get to the bottom of the issue so that you can then move forward?

I also don't agree with just taking revenge on her. If she is destroying your things, then a logical consequence would be that she has to pay to replace it. If she doesn't have a job, maybe it is a good time for her to get one so that she can pay for it. Maybe she would value things more if it hurt her finances in some way. But cutting her shoes up as revenge is a childish reaction and is showing just as little value for things as your daughter is showing. It certainly isn't teaching the right lesson. Taking away her things that she values will teach a better lesson if you make sure she EARNS them back with improved behaviour (don't just give them back when she gives back yours, because again, you are just playing a tit-for-tat game and playing into the conflict cycle, and that backfires).

Tamikyo - posted on 09/13/2013

4

0

1

well we are both adults now(of course) and when we talked about our childhood once before, he said it was bc he felt as if I got all of the positive energy and it were as if he was the "bad seed". Granted, he did some really bad things growing up(stealing, fighting,bad grades etc) but now I.look back and I realize he was expected to be like me! That put pressure on him. 14 is a great age to turn this thing around. Keep going to church when you can, hang with her..do movies or dinner with her give her more responsibility. She is.just going through a little bump sounds like.

Dove - posted on 09/12/2013

11,623

0

1348

'Getting back' at her is the wrong approach. You want to discipline your child... not get revenge on her.

It does sound like she is acting out looking for attention or due to jealousy (you mentioned your 'favored' child... what the hell is that about?). How often to you spend one on one time with her doing something fun or just talking? Have you sat down with her and asked her why she is doing these things?

I would suggest counseling... for her and for you as well. She definitely needs consequences for this behavior, but understanding WHY she is doing it can go a long way in stopping it. In the meantime... it sounds like she can not be trusted at all, so she needs to be watched like a child, supervised with scissors, etc... You CAN take away all of her non-essential belongings, but not to hide or destroy them... simply to put them in 'time out' until her positive behavior starts earning them back.

Tamikyo - posted on 09/12/2013

4

0

1

Wow, ok do you mind me asking the age of both your daughter and son? It seems she could be acting out for attention. I am not sure why she chose this way, but I would suggest just hanging out with her. No discipline, don't talk about the bad stuff, just you and her. Have dad do the same, just the two of them. Ask her about her, tell her about your day, try it once a week maybe. It just seems she wants attention in my opinion. If that doesn't seem to help, maybe looking into counseling is a step. My brother did things like this when we were younger btw so I kinda get where you're coming from.

8 Comments

View replies by

Nikki - posted on 09/17/2013

6

0

0

you are right I think I finally am learning that making her earn things back is a better way.Recently I noticed my sons school candy bar money is missing and Im going to verify if it is her taking it or not.Shes had money for the past few days and bought candy at gas station for a few days now.When I ask he where she gets this money her reply will be " remember this morning I found loose change in an old pair of shorts" My reply' is no I dont remember that happening at all this morning"?Then I am going to make her clean my car out.I was thinking Ill let her go do yardwork for her grandma and get paid to give me the money back.However getting the other grandma involved she will only play the victim.The other grandma will wonder why shes always "getting the blame" its just easier not to empower other people or get them involved it only complicates the situation because theres things they dont seee nor have to deal with you know. The point is that its really another reason for me to not trust her as she is being sneaky.What if we couldnt pay it back?? The fact is that it seems like she doesn't really care.IDK if this is a punishment because shes mad or she just wanted candy from the store.Aside from counseling IDK what would get her to tell the truth because even if the truth is before your eyes she will still deny it.I honestly believe she really believes it or shes good at it.She does it with no emotion no remorse! I dont get it????? Im going to verify if it is her first so I'm "not just blaming her". When I do I'm not sure of the approach I think doing work for me is the best bet keeping outsiders out of the situation all together.IDK

Nikki - posted on 09/12/2013

6

0

0

My daughter is 14 and my so is 9. Thanks it helps to know that someone else understands.Did you ever figure out why your brother was doing it?

Nikki - posted on 09/12/2013

6

0

0

I know it kind of seems like I would be repeating the same behavior as hers! Its tough.I think the most effective way was taking all of her shoes except of course I left her with a pair for school.It worked it got her to locate the other shoes quickly.However I have talked to her about why and there simply is not a why i her eyes because she denies it and its me just blaming her for something she didnt do.I have told her she cant stay alone at the house because she has betrayed my trust.I sat down with her and told her that it takes a whole lifetime to build trust and only a few moments to destroy it. I am tryig to get actively involved In a church to counteract some of this behavior.I noticed a difference last sunday she and I were not getting along and she was very disrespectful and I just knew that I just needed to make it to church that day.We did and her attitude dramaticaly changed for the positive.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms