Teen girls that lie about rape

Roberta - posted on 11/10/2014 ( 42 moms have responded )

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My teen daughter has accused her step dad of rape. I know she is lying but I don't know how to get her to confess or tell me why she would do this. I know she never liked him, but this is too much. I wanted to hear from other mom's who have gone through the same thing. She was 15 at the time and doing drugs and all kinds of bad things. She had been cutting herself and making up other terrible lies up to that point.
Now she is 17 and has gone off the deep end, dropped out of school and is still doing drugs. I think I have lost her.

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Haley - posted on 11/12/2014

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How do you know she's lying? I was molested by my step father and when i spoke up no one believed me. I was cutting myself and getting in to other sexual things at a very young age. I lied. But I didn't lie about what he did to me. I have borderline/ paranoid personality disorder. You should really look in to that disorder. It will only get worse as she gets older. It will lead to suicidal tendencies, self harm, compulsive behaviors, extreme anxiety. You need to talk to her. Be her friend and her mother. She didn't just start acting like that out of nowhere. You need to re-evaluate your behavior as well. Pay attention to your kid.

K - posted on 11/10/2014

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Well, I don't know enough about the situation to make a judgment about the truth of her statement, but it still doesn't quite sit right with me that you're completely brushing aside the possibility that what she is saying might be true, or might have some truth to it. It's not that I don't think that teenage girls are capable of lying, even about rape. It happened to me at least once that I can think of that a friend who told me she was raped turned out to be lying. (I know this because she admitted it to me years later.) I also knew a girl, when I was 13--and she was also 13--who apparently had a reputation for making up fake claims about being raped (though she never actually said them to me). I just think things like this should be taken really seriously. If nothing else, you could say that her making that claim to you, even if there is not even an ounce of truth to it (i.e., there are some inappropriate or hurtful dynamics in her relationship with her stepfather that are bothering her), is her way of saying: "PAY ATTENTION TO ME! SOMETHING IS WRONG! I AM IN PAIN!"
It's a way to get your attention, now, fast. I think people do things like that sometimes (assuming she IS lying, though again, I don't think it's right to assume that right away) because they have some other kind of hurt that they worry won't be taken seriously--maybe they're lonely, or depressed, or have been hurt by a guy, or feel terrible about themselves. Maybe she just hates her stepdad, I don't know--but even that is cause for you to pause and try to figure out how it may be possible for you to help them work on their problems.
At 17, she's on the borderline between being a child and being an adult. I think it's not unusual for someone who is still in many ways a child to be lost, confused, messed up, irresponsible...though of course you want her to mature and grow and become healthy.
I think if I was in your shoes, I would try to get her to sit down and talk seriously with me, and I would do everything in my power to get her to counseling. Don't give up on her yet. I feel for you though, I really do--that is a hard situation to be in.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/26/2014

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I'm sorry, but if my daughter claimed my husband had raped her, REGARDLESS OF HER PAST ACTIONS, my first reaction would not be to call her a liar.

Your daughter has exhibited extreme traumatic behaviour from the age of 8, and like the other ladies here, I don't see a whole lot of help for her. It seems as if you let HER decide when to take meds, when to stop therapy, etc...which was not in her best interest.

Were I you, I'd separate from the hubby, and work on my daughter's health, both mental and physical.

K - posted on 11/11/2014

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Also some of those meds are whacked & not tolerable for some people. Just sayin'.

Haley - posted on 11/14/2014

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When i was in high school my therapist said i had all the symptoms so i suppose through her referral and seeing a doctor they diagnosed me. You should tell the doctors that you think she may have this or that. Such as borderline personality disorder. Which is exactly what it sounds like.

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Debikpost60 - posted on 01/20/2016

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Sorry to have messed thing soup didn't no. I won't get back on your sight again.

Debikpost60 - posted on 01/19/2016

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I'm sorry I have had stroke I won't be putting anything on this sight . Yu don't have to be so rude

Raye - posted on 01/15/2016

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Debi, please remove your personal phone number from your post. This is a public, international site, and you may get unwanted calls.

Also, it is very hard to read your posts due to lack of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I'm so sorry that this is happening to your family, but people can't help you if they can't understand you.

If the investigation is still going, then the only thing you can do is wait until they present the findings to the judge and make a ruling. If your son is innocent, then it really sucks that this has happened. As I said before, this girl should have been taught respect so she would not lie about something so serious that it could ruin people's lives. But either she wasn't raised better... or maybe she really was raped. I know you don't want to believe that about your family, but the authorities must take her claims seriously until they can be proven otherwise. You all just have to hang in there.

Debikpost60 - posted on 01/15/2016

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I no my son not only that when her mom had custody of my grandaughter she saw things she should have never seen. The reason why I no she is lying is she changes her story 18 different times and when they keep asking question she adds to story and officer even said she would go on and answer his questions before hevasked

Debikpost60 - posted on 12/17/2015

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Roberta dp would like to talk with you if you would like my numerous 918 695 6915. I have found out when you think you have close friends that would be there for you and they arent. My hub and and my families are no longer with us they have meat there maker. Iam 56 my name is debi p

Debikpost60 - posted on 12/17/2015

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My grandaughter has told police dad sex raped he since 5yrs and when asked by police if she wants to be alone to tell her story she waned all the neighbors next door to hear she said happened to her friend on 6 9 15 and her friends said if she didn't tell they would tell there mom if it happens again. Then the girls write escape route she will do if it happens again at 3 in the morning she wright note at her house get ipod charger sweetshirt and go out window to neighbors and then wrote peace out. She ran next door and said it happened again, but the police concert rated on 6 9 instead of 6 11 . She had no problems telling story in front of neighbors mom and dad or police. Each time she is asked about what happened she has told 23 stories and has told more and more stories that doesn't add up. Dr. Says saw nothing on exam she states at beginning he annal rapes her while on back. Could not be done my son is in jail and has been in jail for 5 months preacher is afraid of nervous breakdown. We have special dr who deals with kids who lie about rape I hope god will bless our family and truth to come out.

Debikpost60 - posted on 12/17/2015

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My son has been in jail for 4 mon there is no evidence of rape . The phy said tat se was all about her and she as been caught in lies at scool. I have always respected the law but I have found out that the innocent has to prove them set instead of innocent until proven guilty iv work in law and medical and boy has this woke me up

Debikpost60 - posted on 12/14/2015

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My son didn't get her till she was 5yrs old and he's in jail for this he has had trouble with her lyng since he's had custody we told I'm to just love her and he did he even diorce his second marriage do to his daughter didn't get along. We this rape thigh happened he meet a Yung ladies d fell in love she had a 4 yr old. Though things was fine she even called her mom. I pray she get caught in this lie or yes my son will g to prision. They dnt care what the phy say at time of exam it's just note sex abuse but phy. I he and pray no oe goes thru what we are ginger thru

Raye - posted on 12/10/2015

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Debi, Is your son imprisoned pending the investigation? or was he found guilty? If she's placed with a foster family, then they are the ones currently responsible for raising her, and you really don't get a say in their methods. If she truly has been lying, then someone should have taught her better as a child so she wouldn't want to ruin people's lives with lies. If she has been lying, then hopefully the investigation will prove your son innocent and she will learn that her behavior and her lies were not in her best interests. It will be a hard lesson for those people who's lives she has damaged because of it.

Debikpost60 - posted on 12/10/2015

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Iam going thru this my grand daughter 12 yrs tells different stories always adds to them when they want to end their envestigation she starts rambling on. My son in jail. She's with foster mom coloring her hair and doing what she wants and there isn't anything we can do she states afraid of us and she is saying that do to we can read right thru her what will happen to our son will this child get away with it

Dru - posted on 11/26/2014

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It nearly happened to me and I got threatened not to tell mum or he would hurt me I know you probably love this man and your daughter has lyed to you before But please consider this time she could be telling you te truth!

Jodi - posted on 11/13/2014

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I'm sorry you think my suggestion was unintelligent. However, with what you have sad here, regardless of whether she lied or not it MUST be fully investigated by the appropriate authorities. I know of a 10 year old girl who was sexually abused by a step father and noone knew about it until Child Protection were contacted by her school and they investigated. Her mother had no idea. You cannot know how she would react at the time if it had happened. I'm not suggesting she's not lying about the rape, but I'm also not going to say she is.

And I ask, yet again, with all these counsellors, has she spoken to them about the rape at all?

Roberta - posted on 11/13/2014

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Haley,

I have a question for you. How did they finally diagnose your illness? We have been to several doctors and my daughter has been admitted to two different psychiatric hospitals due to her hurting herself.

They all just seem to say the same thing, she is depressed.

Roberta - posted on 11/13/2014

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Raye,

I read your story again and my heart goes out to you for all you have been though.

Your story does sound a lot like my daughter and am so happy that you grew out of it. It gives me hope.

I have heard from other moms that as bad as things seem now, time often heals the pain and the past.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me and others. I hope in some way what you and me have been through will help others that find themselves in similar circumstances. There must be some good to come from all this mess.

Thank you again and God Bless you.

Raye - posted on 11/12/2014

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I don't think people WANT to believe she was raped. It's just such a serious accusation that it needs to be taken seriously and investigated. When I was assaulted, I didn't tell anyone for a long time. So, it does seem unlikely to me that she would brag about the rape if it actually happened. The negative result on the kit, her later confession, the social media posts that seem to indicate she was plotting his arrest, and the friend's suspicions are all signs that she was probably lying about it. It still needs to be given full attention to all the evidence. I hope she was lying, and (if that's the case) I hope your husband is found innocent. Good luck.

Roberta - posted on 11/12/2014

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That is not a very bright way to look at this. You are saying that she lied to me when she confessed? And she was telling the truth when she said she was raped? People like you scare me for my husband if he ever has to go to court. This is why I wanted to put this out to see what type of reaction I would get. And I see that most people it seems want to believe her even though the rape kit said otherwise. Look this is my kid, if she had been raped I know she would not have been so happy that day and the days after. I said this before but she posted on the twitter the day before that she was going to put 'him' in jail. I know she was mad because her step-dad took her pot and grounded her. And yes she tells the councilors, she was raped. she tells them what they want to here! she goes around and tells everyone she was raped. like it is something to be proud of. Something I don't know if I mentioned is that one of her very best friends sent me a text message, saying she thinks she lied about the rape.
someone said something like the da would not purse the case if they didnt think he raped her. that is so foolish. da brings cases all the time that have no merit. cases indicted by the da are dismissed all the time. I have a friend who used to work with the da and he told me they indict everything. They dont care if they ruin lives. I bet they are mostly man haters that think every man is a pig and anyone who looks at a girl should be locked up. Have you not read that men have been locked for years before the girl decided to fess up, that they made up a story for revenge or whatever. You need to wise up, teen girls will do crazy things and they know all they have to do is say rape and the whole police force shows up at your house, which is exactly what happened. Did it matter that she told 4 different stories over the course of that morning? Did it matter that she 'knew' the night before? Did it matter that she confessed. Did it matter she posted 'she got what she wanted'. It seems not matter what you want to believe her...

Jodi - posted on 11/12/2014

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Roberta, but if she is a liar about the rape in the first place, how do you know she isn't lying to you? With all these counsellors she has seen, has she discussed the rape with them?

Roberta - posted on 11/12/2014

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people keep asking me how i know she is lying. Which is scary. Did you not read that what I have written. You sound like the da. SHE CONFESSED TO ME. Among many many other things that happened around that time and since... Please read everything
I wrote and then tell me what you think.

Summer Ray - posted on 11/11/2014

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My teen daughter has accused her step dad of rape. I know she is lying but I don't know how to get her to confess or tell me why she would do this. I know she never liked him, but this is too much. I wanted to hear from other mom's who have gone through the same thing. She was 15 at the time and doing drugs and all kinds of bad things. She had been cutting herself and making up other terrible lies up to that point.
Now she is 14 and has gone off the deep end, dropped out of school and is still doing drugs. I think I have lost her. is school hard for her and what is her name and what is where name my name is summer

Sha Tara - posted on 11/11/2014

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I haven't personally gone thru this before. But what I would do is look into a Boot Camp for behavioral problems. see if this helps before its really too late

Raye - posted on 11/11/2014

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Roberta,
I am sorry for what your daughter is doing to you, her family, and herself. She is seriously hurting about something, and needs to get herself straightened up. But, people don't change unless they want to and it helps if they feel they have a support system to help them. Keep letting her know that you love her, regardless of what she does, and that you want to help her. keep trying to get at the heart of what started this whole ball rolling when she was younger. It's ok to tell her that her actions are wrong, but don't discount her feelings. It's a slippery slope trying to get that balance, but she has a right to her feelings and just needs a better way to express them.

Some of my story... my parents divorced when I was 6. My mom started making me feel like I would never amount to anything around 11. I was a smart kid, but I started having this cloud hanging over my head that if she thought I was a loser (and had no reason to) then maybe I would give her reasons. I started lying, skipping school, shoplifting, and otherwise acting out. I didn't realize at the time that these behaviors were counter productive. We went to counseling at various times through my teens, and I would either not say anything or tell them what they wanted to hear. Counseling wouldn't work because I didn't give it an honest effort to try to make it work. I ran away 3 times (at 13, 16 and 17). I never did drugs, but I began hurting myself in high school (burning myself with a hot needle). I was sexually active and started basing my self-worth on getting boys to sleep with me or knowing that they wanted to. I had a pregnancy scare at 16 with my then boyfriend "B", who ended up attempting suicide. I continued dating him through HS out of guilt, and broke up with him before graduation. "B" then forced his way into the house and sexually assaulted me (which I have only told to a few people). He moved 3 states away, but, when I was "asked to leave" by my mom and moved out, he was back and stalking me. I was the first in my immediate family to go to college, but with my ex waiting for me after classes, and having to work to support myself, I dropped out of school. It seemed like I would really never amount to anything. It's crazy to me now to think that one feeling that I had as a kid, that I'm sure my mom never intended, led to so much destructive behavior and heartache.

I'm not sure what clicked in my head, but I finally realized that my actions were creating my reality. It may have started because of someone else's opinion or a feeling that I had, but it was me that chose the wrong path. I ultimately was responsible for where I would end up in life and I started making better decisions. I decided I would not settle for working fast food. I got into retail, then into office work. I decided I would not work for a sexually harassing boss, and got a better job. I have worked hard, and I think I have done well for myself. I'm 39, I make decent money, I have a wonderful husband, two wonderful step-kids, and a lot of experience to hopefully help make it so they don't grow up the way I did. My mom and I even get along now (although I haven't admitted to her all that happened in my childhood).

Although my experiences were not exactly the same as your daughter's, I guess I want to say that your daughter may not be lost. She is definitely hurting from something that has grown out of control over the years. She's misguided, and acting out in all the wrong ways. And at this point there might not be anything you can do. But she can still decide to turn her life around. Don't give up on her yet. I wish your family the best of luck with this situation.

Guest - posted on 11/11/2014

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I agree with Jodi...this is NOT ADD and/or Depression.
Also, DA's get paid on salary, not by the case, and in most areas in the US they are over worked--too many cases, not enough DA's to handle them. That is why so many criminals end up back out on the streets so quickly--the DA is too busy juggling too many cases at once to really focus on any of them.

The fact that the Police and the DA are taking her seriously means there IS some kind of problem in your home. It costs A LOT of money for the state to pursue these kinds of charges, and I can assure you, they won't do it unless they have very good reason to believe her. In order for you or him to be found guilty, her DA has to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he did something to her. Your daughter's word alone will not be enough for a conviction, and I can assure you that if the DA didn't feel like she had enough evidence to convict you or your husband, she'd have the charges dropped, so she must have something.
Kids lie about this stuff all the time--it is a very common cry for help--and the police and social service workers know that. They will work to find out if she is lying, and if so, why.

She is 15 right now. You can still admit her to an inpatient mental health program in the US, but if you wait much longer, you will not have that authority. It sounds like that is what she needs--If she won't take her meds or do her therapy sessions, and you can't make her, she needs to be in a place where she can be monitored 24/7.

Jodi - posted on 11/11/2014

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I would suggest you investigate further. This is not ADD and depression. This may be why her meds don't work for her.

K - posted on 11/11/2014

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Well, I don't think there's ever a shortage of crime! I'm not saying this because I'm siding with your daughter, per se...I think that's kind of a wacky way of looking at it anyway. There shouldn't be "sides." I'm saying that if the DA was even considering the case maybe there was something there. Then again, maybe not! Either way, you do seem rather excessively on your husband's side. Maybe your daughter has driven you to it in some ways, but I still have to question that.

To be honest with you, I think the cutting and the pot smoking and even the melodramatic behavior--while worrisome & problematic--are not necessarily indicative that she's gone over the edge or has an irreversible mental disorder or something. I think some of these behaviors are practically trendy. I mean, she obviously needs intervention. And the rape charge is something that could be really serious--whether it's true or not.

It's hard to analyze your situation just from what you've written online. But I would say you should try to get her into counseling, as others here have said, & even that you should try it--possibly with her. Maybe you both need a mediator.

Dove - posted on 11/11/2014

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You've said she's had issues since she was EIGHT years old... yet all you are focusing on is the rape accusation from 15 years old... She needed your help constantly and consistently from 9 years ago... Full evaluations and constant psychiatric care. You didn't get her that... did you?

Roberta - posted on 11/11/2014

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She has been seen many many times over the last 5 years. They said ADD and depression. She refused to take her medications and in fact we found out she was selling the ADD medication at school. Everything we have tried has backfired. The other thing we found out at that time, she was telling her friends she wanted me and her dad to get back together. So maybe that was in the back of her head. Also, I just heard from one of her oldest friends that "it may have been a set up". referring to the rape charge. I cannot even talk to her about this anymore or the da will lock me up for witness tampering. So we just wait and if we go to trial, then we will tell our story. But this has ruined many lives. It is all just so sad.

Jodi - posted on 11/11/2014

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Roberta, has she had an official diagnosis? I think this is your next step. In fact, given what you have said here, I'd suggest this should have been done long ago. She clearly has severe mental health issues, and has evidenced this since she was 8 years old. If she had been seeing a counsellor all this time, she would have a diagnosis by now. What is it?

Roberta - posted on 11/11/2014

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I think the police and the da have a lot to gain. This crap keeps them busy. Insures they have a job. It is all about numbers. The more crime the better if you are a da.

Roberta - posted on 11/11/2014

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Again there is so much I haven't told you. We have tired so many things to help her. Even home schooling her. All she wants to do is smoke pot and hang out. Nothing means anything to her. She went to go live with her dad after all this started and within 6 months the police arrested him for abuse when he tired to take her phone away. So I separated from my husband so I could take care of her and within 6 months I was arrested for basically the same thing. The police and da have empowered this girl to do whatever she wants and have taken away any chance we had to discipline her. When I tried to tell the da that my daughter confessed to me, the da accused me of trying to cover up for my husband. She accused me of lying! I would never pick a man over my child. I would never lie to cover up a horrible crime. I would ditch him in a minute if I thought he had touched her. I could tell, day one, she was lying and the last 2 years have made me more convinced that she is. The case is still pending, under investigation. Those first minutes when I saw her after her being at the hospital and the police station all day with her dad, She was way too happy. Not upset at all. I could tell that she loved being the center of attention. In what world is a 15 year old happy about getting raped? And then we saw her twitter post the next night, that "She go what she wanted". Something like "I got what I wanted, money, drugs and freedom".

K - posted on 11/11/2014

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Actually, to be honest with you, I don't think the police & prosecutors have much to gain. I think it costs money & takes up their time to prosecute a case, & I don't imagine they like prosecuting cases that they don't have sufficient evidence on.

I don't want to pile on and tell you what a bad mom you are, because I know kids have problems even when we do our best sometimes. But I do think that you're kind of automatically siding with your husband here when maybe you should be trying harder to be your daughter's advocate.

Dove - posted on 11/11/2014

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Keep her IN the counseling... at least from 8 years old on. How long at a stretch was she in counseling? Has she been evaluated by an actual psychologist/psychiatrist for mental health disorders?

She's been having issues for 9 years at least and it doesn't sound like you've done all that much to get her help... they don't just give meds to a child that says they are depressed and suicidal w/out a full evaluation.

I don't know what else to tell you. At this point you may just have to let her live her life and pray for her safety and well being. My stepsister is bipolar and put our parents through all kinds of stress and they tried and tried to get her help. Eventually... they just had to let her go and pray... though she was much older than 17 at that time.

Roberta - posted on 11/11/2014

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She told me and the police that it only happened one time. Which by the way it all happened after we found drugs in her room and then the step dad wanted to take away her phone and put her on restriction. She had a big party that she was going to miss if she was on restriction. Also, she was acting 'crazy' since about the age of 8, before I met her step dad. She has been cutting herself since age 11 a year before I married her step-dad. Here is an example of some of the stunts she has pulled. She faked a broken foot once for two days until we took her to the er and they found nothing wrong and she just got up and ran down the hall. Then there was the time she tripped in her bedroom and we had to take her to the er, we thought she broke her arm. Later we found on her computer she googled " how to break you own arm and make it look like an accident". She had done exactly what it said to do. How she said she hurt herself was exactly what it said to do on the page she googled. We have tried to get her help, but she won't accept it. If we take her to councilors she cries that she is depressed and suicidal, but then won't take her meds. We know she is crying out for help, but we don't know what to do.

Roberta - posted on 11/11/2014

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I understand that I didnt fully explain why I know she lied. First of all we have found out that she was posting stuff on the internet the days before that she was going to put 'him in Jail'. The morning she called her dad and said "he raped me" she was taken to the hospital and they did a rape kit and concluded she was not raped. The day she was supposedly raped she seemed happy about it. In the days after she had posted on the twitter that "My life changed forever, I got what I wanted". A year after his arrested she said to me, "I did it because he was going to get rid of my dog". Also, I read the police reports of them interviewing her. She told 4 different stories of what happened, what she told me was completely different than any of the four stories. The police don't care about these differing statements, they say she said he did so we are going to put him on trial. Instead of seeing her statements as a lie they charged him with charges related to all four of her different stories. What I have seen is the system of police, DA and even attorney's all have much to gain from pursuing these cases. I could go on, but this all makes me sick to think about.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/10/2014

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OMG you are terrible!! Maybe she started cutting, and doing drugs and going off the deep end because she was raped by her step dad...someone who she is suppose to be able to trust. Also because her mom chose to not listen to her, and thinks she is a liar and chose a rapist over her own daughter. YOU HAVE LOST HER!

Dove - posted on 11/10/2014

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How do you know she's lying? Unless you were with both of them 24/7 and never slept... you can't be 100% sure she's lying. Lying or not... she needs therapy desperately and should have been receiving help for the past 2 years at least. Maybe she is cutting and doing drugs and stuff because she ISN'T lying, but you won't believe her... or maybe she is lying and needs serious psychological help.

Jodi - posted on 11/10/2014

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How can you know she is lying? The behaviour she is displaying is fairly indicative of some kind of trauma or pain. I am not sure how you can be so certain she isn't telling the truth. You should at least investigate it through some form of counselling for her.

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