Teen sex

Sjnaumoff - posted on 02/21/2017 ( 13 moms have responded )

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We recently found out our 13 year old daughter was having sex with her 16 year old boyfriend. They are both stright A students and excel in band. Their "dates" were supervised at my home or his. When she turned 14 we decided to let her ride to school with him in his car. I was concerned with the amount of physical contact and started snooping. Sadly I found out they had been having sex. I also found out his parents were allowing alot of physical contact and kissing at their home. What do I do now? They "feel" like they are in love. I don't want them to see each other but I don't want to sneak around behind my back either. We have asked for a 2 week no contact so they can think about what they have done and to come up with a plan to prevent it from happening again. She has lost her phone and is not to be anywhere unsupervised other than school. His parents seemed to be on the same page as us yet they have given their son his phone back and he is basically back to his life and it has been less than a week. We would prefer she make her own decision to not see him anymore but we don't know how to push her in that direction without making it an "us against them" thing. Help!

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Dove - posted on 02/22/2017

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It's the mature 13 year old kids that realize dating at their age is inappropriate.

Ev - posted on 02/22/2017

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Hope--I do agree with the other two ladies. I am the mother of grown adult children 26 and 20 at the moment in age. My daughter was told from the beginning that 16 was the age she would be allowed to date. My son was told the same and to this day he hs chosen not to date girls yet. My daughter was 16 when she had her first dating experience and first boyfriend. They were never left alone in any room of any house they were in and had supervision all the time. One Christmas, her boyfriend in high school came to stay at my house for the holiday but she went and stayed with her grandparents, my parents, while he was at my house with me and my son. She came home during the day. They both respected that idea totally. That is a mature 16 year old for you.

I do not see the need for someone ages 13 to 15 to date. It is too young. They are not always that mature at that age and do not even begin to understand what it means to be in a relationship let alone the feelings that accompany that. Also, being left alone is not a great idea and can lead to them having the chance to have sex as in the case of this mother's child. I think this mother needs to monitor her child more closely when this young man is around....yes young man....and make sure they are kept occupied so that they can not find a chance to sneak off and have sex.

As for mature teens--Dove has it right. Mature teens would know better about having sex than just going ahead and doing so. Maturity at 13 is a lot less than it is at 16. I do not think a 13 year old girl as mature enough to be in relationships let alone are they really that mature to begin with except for certain ones. I really think group outings are best at this age with a mix of boys and girls with adults supervising.

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2017

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I have to agree with Dove here. I have two boys 20 and 15 and two girls 17 and 12. My teens are not permitted to date until 16 and then it is an earned privilege. Certainly I allow my younger two to socialize with peers in groups. They have their whole life to learn how to navigate relationships. Why rush? .

Hope - posted on 02/22/2017

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I don't have an issue with a 13 year old dating a 16 year old. Let's be honest, most 13 year old girls are more mature than most 16 year old boys. But having sex at that age IS unacceptable. I love the idea of the research paper on STDs. She needs to understand that even though they are "in love", she may not be the only one he's "in love" with. Show her photos of what herpes looks like and how she can get it even if using a condom..and it NEVER goes away. Tell her being pregnant at 14 isn't as glamorous as some tv shows make it out to be.

As far as keeping her away from her boyfriend, good luck with that. If I were you, I would focus on educating her and put her on the pill. All the research papers in the world probably will not keep her from having sex again, so better safe than sorry.

This is a tough situation, but it is part of having a teenager. Good luck!

Dove - posted on 02/22/2017

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Tell her you made a mistake in letting her date at 13/14... it is completely age inappropriate to allow these types of relationships at this age... for this very reason. How much sex ed have you given her? Does she know all the reasons WHY sex at her age is dangerous and inappropriate? It may be time for her to do a research paper for you on all the different types of STDs and what they can do to her body... and what it would take for her to raise a child for the next 18 years if she were to get pregnant now.

I'm not sure how to go about the relationship thing at this point... since you have already allowed it, you are right. The sneaking around thing is a possibility. I certainly wouldn't 'allow' them to be alone together any more though... even supervised should be in a group at her age.

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Sarah - posted on 02/24/2017

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Any boy who thinks it is okay to have sex with his girlfriend, whether she is 13, 14, 15, even 16, is certainly not mature. Ditto for any girl who thinks she is ready for sex.

Sorry to be blunt, but dumb, dumb, dumb.

What to do about it?
It has to been done with the boys parents. First thing is to get agreement with all parents that these two kids lack the maturity for a sexual relationship. Together the parents have to convince the kids to stop. I know kids may not listen to their parents. Is there a school counsellor that can be of help?

Hope - posted on 02/22/2017

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It's probably best I stop commenting on comments. Your extremely mature 15 year old daughters have their opinions and I have mine. We all agree that having sex at 13 is idiotic. But we will have to agree to disagree about whether or not a 13 year old is "mature" enough to handle going to a mall or seeing a movie with another person (aka: a date).

Dove - posted on 02/22/2017

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'Immature' isn't name calling... and I formed my opinion on maturity of teens based on my own teenage daughters (who are both 15 now, extremely mature, and still not dating) and their opinions of other teens who were dating and having sex at that age... of course, they didn't call them immature... they called them idiots, so... ;)

Hope - posted on 02/22/2017

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I don't think we need to resort to name calling in a forum where we are trying to help one another. And yes, I think it's funny that you feel a 13 year old would think it is inappropriate for them to date at that age. Sorry if I offended you.

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